What women want, really...

A lot of noise is made about what women should do for their men, sexually or otherwise. Yet not much is discussed about what women want, or their expectations from their relations with men. The topic: What do women want has been a subject of many books, movies, and caricature. I don’t think women should ever be treated as a collective. Each man should speak to his woman to understand her, not ask his friends what they think women want or read books about it. We are all very different and it’s unfair to paint us with the same brush. I spoke to a number of women from my circle and they shared their views on the importance of sex in their lives and their responses are below. It was interesting to note that most married women declined to comment.  They mostly just laughed and dismissed the discussion. And I totally get them. We were raised to think sex should just be inflicted on us by men and we should just pretend not to have any opinion about it. i say down with, "women must be laid and not heard".

The single ladies were more forthcoming. I actually had to cut some of the contributions short for fear of losing my fingerprints as I typed away on my keyboard. And of course, their names have been changed to protect their modesty. After all, sex is being discussed here, a subject our society thinks women should not partake in. 

1.       Angela (35, married): I feel men believe marriage is all about sex. Of course it is important, but I just don’t want it to look like that’s why I’m married. Being together, laughing together, hugs and kisses matter to me. It puts me off to know that every time I get a kiss then it means we have to have sex afterwards. I love being loved, not being sexed. Sex should be a bonus.

2.       Prisca: Honesty, integrity, intellectual; and emotional and physical attraction.

3.       Sylvia (31, Single): Compatibility in all senses, dressing, hobbies to include sex. I value friendship  - he should be my  most trusted, my partner in crime, a man with whom I feel very free to open up about my most deepest thoughts and be at liberty to express my fantasies with or without having to restrict myself. Regardless of how good a guy is in bed, if he’s not my friend then it won’t work. Give me a porn star with a third leg the length of a donkey and think that seals the deal – WRONG!

4.       Rose (31, Single): Bank statement.  You know what they say, I would rather cry in a Ferrari. Sex is the pillar of a relationship

5.       Lorraine (35, single): I value a man that I am to share my stories with and laugh no matter how silly. I think no matter how good the sex is, a woman’s body shuts down if she is not treated right. Sex for a woman is far more complex than it is for a man. For a woman to enjoy a sexual encounter and make if fulfilling, she needs to be in the right emotional space and men who know what they are doing know how to put their women in this space. Given a choice, I would rather be with an amateur in sex but who knows how to treat me right and we can figure our way out as we go.

6.       Cleo (age unknown, single): At this point in time, the truth is nothing matters to me. I don’t value anything anymore. Men are shit.

7.       Mabel (35, engaged): Well, it’s quite tricky because as much as there are other qualities to consider, like loyalty, someone who has potential for good sex is also important. But some men are really good at sex but lousy in all other respects. Or they like making a lot of women as happy as they make you. Ummm that’s difficult. There are just some things you can’t teach someone to do. Good sex demands a lot of energy and some men are generally lazy with low libidos. How do you teach someone to be active if he’s just lazy? And as African women we are expected not to be very open about sex, so it’s best to just get someone who knows what he’s doing from the word go so you won’t have to struggle with how to approach him about his little problem. If we could at least talk about it openly, even with our partners we could eliminate a lot of problems.

8.       Ella (35, married): I don’t want sex every day. Sex in the morning is a killer due to bad breath. Please no kissing in the morning until we’ve brushed our teeth.

9.       Tracy (34, single): I want a man who is kind, one who adores and loves me to bits and he should afford a really good living. We should be on the same page concerning religion. Sex is very important. It’s one of those things that help to dissipate tension without the use of words.

10.   Martha (35, single): I always tell the men I date that if you don’t aim to please me with everything you’ve got then you can’t have me. It’s no wonder I’m still single! There are things you don’t think are important when dating. Then when you’re married you discover they are really huge. O look at that one only. I normally don’t look at everything else, not even the past of physical features. Or sex. My longest relationship wasn’t sexually satisfying and he was really ugly, but to date I still say he was the best man I ever had. He was not rich. But he would do everything he could for me. People’s priorities are different. She will probably realise later that sex is not the be it and end of it all. At some point you will get tired of the sex, and if it’s the only thing that binds you, then the relationship is doomed. I have dated giving men (rich and not rich) and tight fisted men. I have realised that the one that is giving is giving in all areas. In my experience, and I’m ashamed to say I have had lots of experience, the stingy ones are the ones that come to the bed with a lot of “I don’t do this, that and the other” and ask a woman to do exactly what they don’t do to them. So there, I said it!

11.   Tricia (age unknown, married):  Sex is an important element in marriage and until there is sexual intercourse between a husband and a wife, the marriage isn’t yet spiritually recognized.  This shows how important sex is in a marriage. When you look at how aggressive men are towards sex, you may this that’s all they need from women. Of course, if he has not married you yet or does not really intend to, what he will need from you is nothing above your body. Many young girls think their greatest asset is sexual dexterity, but submission is what men need. When you’re a humble woman, you’re expensive jewelry, and a man of integrity will fear to lose you. It is submission that truly makes a romantic wife. So be the African queen you want to be, but when dealing with your husband, play the role of a humble maid.