Western Christian marriage is not for Africans

* The views below belong to the Guest Blogger. My response is in italics

By Vitalis

 My unconventional view of the Western Christian marriage is foreign to African men. Looks like men are forced to make vows while intrinsically, their desires go beyond the one “lucky” lady. A very warped view, heh?

In addition to our cultural socialization, men’s sexuality is in the eyes. We see too much and then desire to touch. Now what is the world full of? Beautiful women other than our ladies at home. It doesn’t really matter if the beauty is fake or genuine. I am convinced that some men cheat because their sexual needs are half met at home. Communication on sexual inadequacies is poor. Men want sex and most women are dead wood in these matters.

Men think of sex most of the time. And that sexual desire, coupled with our lustful eyes, make us crave for it every day.  My major accusations on women are:

1.       Women are sexually rude, culturally and religiously rigid and abhor any new sexual escapades

2.       Women carry family burdens into bedrooms, e.g. when men fail to provide, they pout and close their zips.

3.       Openly deny men sex as punishment for a, b, c.

4.       Women are unromantic

5.       Women fail to understand their husbands’ sexual needs.

6.       Women neglect their husbands and focus on kids.

7.       Women are poor communicators

8.      Women relax too much after marriage, telling themselves they are there to stay and nothing can push them away.

9.       Women nag.

10.   Some women are just dirty and don’t groom themselves.

Most couples aren’t taken through sexual orientation and possible challenges. Rather, the young couple is taken through moral uprightness. Perhaps proper sexual teaching must be carried out even at college. Marriage isn’t about sex only, but a good sex life is grease in a marriage. A sexually dysfunctional marriage is a brewing storm and like a festering wound. While sexuality is very sensual and physical, we just have to include spirituality to make it work. Unfortunately, our churches, especially the Roman Catholic Church, have failed dismally in guiding couples to sexual bliss.

Editor’s note: The allegations leveled against women by Vitalis really rubbed me the wrong way as I felt they were generalized and unfair. I felt I needed to respond and add other points that I think are valid:

1.       The problem is men simply go out to look for better without even telling their wives that there is a problem. Sometimes the problem is actually the men themselves, and sexual rigidity might actually be as a result of the husband being a lousy lover, to a point where the wife hates going to bed to endure bad sex. do you know how many women are disgruntled about their sex lives? You would be horrified if you did. Most men are said to be actually clueless. Making love is not like straddling a bike. One minute you’re walking, the next minute you’re sitting on it. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. How you treat the woman outside the bedroom determines the quality of sex. Sex is also a far cry from going to the toilet. You know, just go, relieve yourself and that’s it.

2.       Carrying family problems to the bedroom: There would be no need to carry the problems to bed if men were interested in solving problems. Let’s iron out things so that everyone is at ease by the time we go to bed. Sex isn’t just for the man’s enjoyment, and you can’t enjoy it if you have things bugging you at the back of your mind. Sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too, and problems, especially those caused by the man, will cause emotional and consequently sexual detachment.

3.       Punishment – no one would feel the need to punish anyone if men learned to apologise for their wrongdoings. This thing of just wanting to carry on like nothing has happened doesn’t work. The attitude that if you don’t give it up, I’ll go and look elsewhere has to stop.

4.       Neglecting husbands in favour of children: Once we have kids, we have to take care of them, we can’t wish them away. Women are overwhelmed with having to juggle being a mom, wife, employee somewhere, and I find that complaint by husbands to be rather inconsequential. Men should help with the kids too so that their wives can breathe and be able to entertain the husbands too.

5.       Being scruffy: if the husband provides money for makeup, hairstyles, good clothes and grooming, or isn’t overly controlling of the wife’s finances and the wife prefers to be scruffy, then there’s major reason for concern.  Good communication translates to good sex. A marriage that has no sex is in serious trouble. There’s obviously someone in that marriage who feels unappreciated and there’s no telling what they might do to feel better about themselves.

6.       Most men don’t seem to know the benefits of being friends with their wives. When they have free time, they would rather look for their friends and go out drinking or for a braai. The wives are only are taken to the in-laws’ homes where they work like flogged horses. They last went for movies or to eat out when they dated other guys before marrying their husbands.

7.       It’s actually true that women get tired. When a woman is too tired for sex, her husband should understand. It is unfair to force your partner to have sex when she doesn’t feel like it. There’s actually a name for it. It’s called rape. Of course, it would be concerning if someone claimed to be tired every day.

8.       A lot of men are bad communicators. Without good communication, sex is poor. Women are usually afraid to be vocal about their sexual needs because men are uptight and will think it’s their prowess that’s being knocked, or they are being compared with somebody else. It’s always about them, what they want, how they feel, never about the woman.

9.       Taking sides with in-laws when wife is being harassed.  A lot of men are not objective where their relatives are concerned. They don’t protect their wives, yet expect the sex to be good. Interference from extended family can kill the sex life.  A sad wife can’t be a good lover.

10.   A lot of women don’t remember the last time they got a random kiss or hug from their husbands. That’s probably the reason why a lot of women are so excited at weddings when it’s time for the groom to kiss the bride. Kissing has become a marvel for most of these women, if they don’t pay their utmost attention at this crucial time, they will never see any kissing until the next wedding. Except on TV of course. A lot of husbands don’t like holding their wives’ hands in public. They think holding hands is a display of white tendencies. Small things count.