Getting a gift that will be treasured

Christmas entertainment at Eastgate Mall,
Johannesburg, South Africa

Happy 2017 everyone! Sorry for the hiatus. I promise to write at least two or three times a month this year. Hope you work to make all that you wish for come to fruition this year instead of just noting things down then sitting in anticipation. Reminds me of Sydney Youngblood’s song Sit and Wait. I had to take about 20 minutes break to share the song on my Facebook and dance to it a little. I last listened to it donkey years ago.

The festive season has come and gone. For me it signifies family time, relaxing, spirituality, and a general sense of goodwill. Before 2016 I used to see Christmas time as a time to eat sweet and rich food without restraint, but I was more disciplined this time around. I shouldn’t reward myself with food as if I’m a dog, right? I had a normal meal and was OK with that. I like getting gifts for people for important dates like Christmas, so I did get some for the significant people in my life.

Presentation of gifts has redeeming or dog-box factors

Before I get anyone a gift, I actually reflect on it, especially if it’s a grown up and someone quite important to me. I think about it for days or even weeks. Sometimes I even buy gifts months in advance. I think about the value of that gift in that person’s life. I don’t just buy something that would make someone feel I was rolling my eyes and saying, “Let’s get this sh*t over and done with.” I buy as a statement to the recipients. I want them to feel special; to look at that present and feel my love. I want to get a present that makes someone see that I did put some thought into it. For instance, a woman from my network asked for help with Christmas gifts for disadvantaged teenage girls. I decided to take part in her initiative and bought essentials like sanitary pads, bath soap, deodorant, handbag, and a few more basics. It would not have made sense to buy a jigsaw puzzle or teddy bear for such a project. My uncle Ben Bofu once told me a story about donors that came to a disadvantaged mosquito-infested community bearing mosquito nets. The villagers thanked them and used to the nets to trap fish from their river. They were not worried about mosquito bites but about their families’ rumbling stomachs. The donors had been generous, but clearly had not thought about what this community needed, what it would appreciate.

I also bought a beaded necklace and earrings for a lovely cousin that taught me to love earrings. They were not expensive, but I knew the kind of gift that would connect us and onethat she would value. I have things in my possession that when I look at I feel nostalgic and hold them close to my heart thinking, “ Aw! So and so!” Gifts are an emotional thing for me. They don’t have to be expensive, but they need to have a soul in them, they need to be treasured. I would honestly rather not get a gift than get one that makes me feel depreciated, not appreciated.

I will list the Top 6 gifts that would do it for me. They are not in their order of importance:

The Body Shop Products

1. Gift card from The Body Shop or Clicks
2. Deodorant with a sweet, fruity scent
3. Good, powerful camera
4. The newest book by my favourite author
5. A collection, even a CD by one of my favourite musicians
6. A dress that fits perfectly (It does count where you buy it from. I did mention that my gifts don’t have to be expensive, but if they are from a significant other, I know what he can afford! It’s better to buy something cheap that would be appreciated than something big that does not tug a heartstring. I think someone should get a gift that they would not be ashamed to declare to the world that I got such or such a thing from such and such a place.)

I read on a Wikihow on getting the best present for someone and among other things, the page said, “However you go about it, a gift that shows that you spent time thinking about her or paying attention to her will be more greatly appreciated even if it turns out that she doesn’t like the gift itself. Present the gift – even a potentially bad gift can be saved with correct presentation.”

I took to my whatsapp streets and consulted a few people on what gifts they would appreciate. Read and enjoy!

Susan – I assume if it’s a new relationship people are still sizing each other up and trying to figure what one likes, scents and styles so there will be room for errors. But after some years when you know each other from discussing and knowing each other’s standards it’s only smart that you find diplomatic ways of investigating what one is burning for or from just discussions it’s easy to pick cues on what your partner wants. Like I heard ‘him’ mentioning leather bags for computers with shoulder cross-over thing. I didn’t buy because I can’t afford but will keep an eye on sales. I mentioned headphones and want good quality. So if you see someone buying knitting needles when I’ve been singing about headphones, I will be pissed off. With my man, I’m free to mention that I have spent within a specific range for his gift so that he can also stay within that range or feel free to go way up. I realised I had to say it after he bought from H & M when I had coughed up quite a bit sometime last year. So agreeing that we should get gifts not less than $50 could be a good thing, or writing a wish list. There is a site you can register with family members and those close to you will know what you actually want so that you don’t end up buying stuff that won’t be appreciated. When I got the H&M I gave it to his daughter – told him H&M is for young girls in high school (rolls eyes four times) and I never got H&M again. Not to put myself in some fake class by refusing that gift but I know he can afford better and has taste so why dzikisira (debase) me like that. What you accept is what will continue so I put a stop before atambarara (he went to far). Just raising my standards; that’s all.

The Fairmont Zimbali Resort, Durban, South Africa

Leslie – any effort to get me something would make me happy. I never look at a present as something I don’t like. I cherish the thought more than the actual item. Even if he got from some low-class shop, the fact that he stopped and thought, “Let me get Les something,” zvakatokwana zvakadaro (it’s good like that). Handidi hangu kunyepa asi ndikazoshaya (I don’t wanna lie but if I don’t get any present at all) present zvachose with no explanation panofiwa (someone is dead meat). Creativity with presents is a gift, that’s what I think. Some people battle and others find it easy. Ndakamboudzwa neimwe mbuya kuti hanzi kana akauya akabata newspaper tambura uchitenda nemufaro. Kana benzi rinotozonyara chete. (An old woman once advised me that even if he comes bearing a newspaper as a gift, receive it graciously. Even if he’s an idiot, he would eventually feel embarrassed.) I thought that was valuable advice. I guess I have a very weird way of looking at things. I try not to build expectations or a standard around people. I think that by doing that you will always be disappointed.

Tatenda – For presents I love jewelry and spa treatments and holidays if someone really wants to spoil me. I have gotten lousy presents before, the worst being a face cloth with sewing needles and some sewing thread. I hardly know how to sew. I made the mistake of not telling the person. I accepted their gift but they had not put any thought or effort into it. Needless to say, the relationship did not last but imagine if it had. If would mean probably getting lousy presents all the time. So now I think you accept the gift but lovingly tell them you didn’t like it.

Patricia – I prefer useful presents or a voucher which I can use to buy what I need no matter how small. I don’t mind gifts from chain stores, but it also means if I want a MacBook Air he should also buy because I need it. I didn’t get a Christmas present at all yet I bought him a nice one. I haven’t asked him yet because I’m still shocked. Don’t even know how to ask.

View from Moses Mabhidha Stadium, Durban, South Africa

Sihle – I am not really particular about presents but what I can tell you for sure is I like eating out, travelling and visiting places with my family. If my husband bought me something from a cheap chain store, it would not be a problem if it is nice. I’m not bothered by the shop.

Progress – if I got a present I disliked I would smile and say thank you (if it was hubby). Anyone else id sell it of its value or pass it on.

Priscilla – I don’t know what to say about presents! I rarely get those. In an ideal world I would appreciate being given something I cherish: a book by my favourite author maybe. If I get something I don’t like I would gracefully accept it, knowing someone went to a lot of effort to get it for me. If my husband got me a gift from some cheap store, then it shows the value he places on me and our relationship. 

What advice would you give to your son who is getting married?

In a recent episode of one of my favourite South African soapies, Ashes to Ashes, a young man, Tsietsi was about to get married. The father, Sello and his friend, Mickey were standing with him in an office and the father asked Mickey to help him counsel Tsietsi on how to handle marriage. Together they said if you ever have a girlfriend and her bed is warmer, always ensure you sleep at home every day. If the other woman is a good cook, eat her food but make sure you eat again at home. If your wife catches you out, lie! Remember your lie and stick to it. BOOM! Marriage counselling was done in less than two minutes. They were convinced they had equipped the young man for his upcoming marriage. I just thought to myself, what a load of BS.

Picture sourced from Internet

But this is not just drama. My own research with men in my circle showed that most men never really got premarital counselling. They just bumble through marriage with no clue whether they are coming or going. People just assume, “Oh he’s a man. He’ll figure things out.” This is hardly fair on the man and the wife he marries. Not giving your son guidance on marriage is setting him up for disaster. Even if he got an angel for a wife, it would still not work because it takes two to tango.

I went to my friends and asked them what advice they would give to their sons and I got what I thought were very enlightening answers. I do hope all of them follow their own advice. My input is at the very bottom. Enjoy reading, share with your spouse if you are already married, do some self-introspection, and most of all, communicate with your significant other to find out what would make them happier.

FARIKANAI :  This is a piece of advice I just gave to one of my sons in the Lord. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husband, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Most married men struggle in life because they live contrary to this scripture. If you check all men who abuse their wives, they haven’t achieved much in their lives and they have no peace. It’s like they reach a dead end. I like the part that says that your prayers may not be hindered. Yes the basis of a strong and great marriage is God. You need God in totally every aspect of your marriage. Know that the woman is a weaker vessel and needs to be taken care of and do not be offended by her weaknesses. I’d also advise him that he is the head of the family and should provide for his family. His wife is there to help him and not to fend for the family. Remember your wife is not your mother to feed you and provide for you. Love your wife.

CHIZ: I take it this is advice to a son who is ready for marriage, meaning one who is in a serious relationship and is really considering it! in which case I would have to repeat the values I have been instilling in him all along, because for me this topic shouldn’t just pop u at this critical moment like it did in my own case with my dad. To be honest I don’t remember half the things he said in that discussion because I brought it up, received the talk, and in two weeks I was married. This marriage advice should really start from the time this lad starts noticing girls, at these stages though, it would be mostly about how he should treat women, what the bible teaches on the subject etc. be involved in his life, creating an atmosphere where the lad would rather talk to you about relationships rather than his peers (sounds strange, I know, but it can be done). So when it comes to the real deal…it’s a matter of highlighting a few reminders and bringing to his attention some of the responsibilities that are associated with this life-changing decision and of course supporting him all the way.

DANIEL: firstly marriage is about giving and receiving. It must be balanced. If you find yourself just giving or just receiving, there’s something not right. Secondly never say or do things you don’t want said or done to you. Last but not least, don’t take someone’s child into marriage if you’re not ready to love and respect them. They could be happy with someone else so make sure you make her happy always.

RUTH: what I always tell my son is, “don’t be like your father,” because he knows all about his father’s cheating ways. He caught him in the act so he’s been saying he doesn’t want to get married.

SUSAN: would ask him to remember karma, golden rule. And to go out and experience the world, to know about condoms and safe sex- not to rush to settle. Have fun, get a profession, travel before you settle and only settle with one who is your friend – don’t settle  because of societal pressure, and have a bit of time to bond with your wife before babies. If after two years or so you see that you’re still good, then procreate – otherwise be free to move on. When you settle dear boy – spoil her rotten, tell her you love her, appreciate her make-up, her dressing, her cooking – buy her flowers. Kana mari isipo maputi (When the money isn’t there he can buy maputi.) Kiss and hug her, hold hands, be her lawyer, her critic (who you criticize with love), be her best friend, her better half and helper. She isn’t your slave or subordinate – she is your equal whom you should love and adore. Ndapedza hangu (I’m done here).

TADIWA: I will tell my son that ideally a man should work and provide for family. The wife is his helper and kubatsira hakumanikidzwi (help should not be compulsory). He should love his wife and everything else will fall into place. He should appreciate it when he argues with his wife…the moment she stops arguing or correcting or ask about his whereabouts…he is SINGLE again. 

MANDY: Work hard for the family. Knowing that family comes before all else. Respect the wife, support her dreams. No belittling or verbal, emotional, physical or financial abuse.

• Help the extended family from afar rather than bringing then into the home. Empirical evidence has proved that it strains or even ruins the marriage.
• Incorporate wife’s suggestions and make decisions together rather than being wayward and headstrong.
• Take care of the in-laws who brought up his wife, or at least allow the wife to do so if she has the capacity.
• Be a good role model for the kids through good character, work habits, relationship with wife.
• Strive to keep wife and kids happy. Spend quality time with them, teaching them to fix plugs, gadgets, going for holidays, fishing, taking walks in the hood, watching movies t home/cinemas.
• Invest for the family. Having trust funds, school accounts, rainy day accounts, houses, etc.
• Go to church, love God, pray. It usually helps somehow.
• Help around the house even if you become rich – mowing lawns, unblocking drains etc.
• Instill and maintain healthy habits and fit body.
• Cut the repressive traditional crap such as kugezeswa maoko(having the wife kneeling before him with a dish of water so he can wash his hands before meals), leaving clothes on the floor etc kungoti ndezvemukadzi come what may.

ZA: I would advise him to choose wisely, not to look at the outward beauty only but to take time to know her and see if she is also beautiful on the inside. I will tell him that he should take good   care of his woman so that he won’t be ashamed of her kwete kuzochiva vari kuchengetwa nevamwe (not covet women that other men look after). When he’s looking, I’d advise him to pray for a God-fearing wife…and never to expect miracles from a wife he would have met at clubs and pubs. I’d tell him that it’s not always about finding Mrs Right but the question is if he is the right guy. And he should get to know the girl’s family first because in our tradition, you don’t marry one person but the whole clan. And look at how well the mother has aged so that he can picture her 40 years down the line ha-ha *tongue out*. Not forgetting one important aspect, he should find someone with at least a basic level of education; even form 4 to begin with. An illiterate wife can be too costly and a constant source of embarrassment, which will tempt him into extra marital affairs with educated ones. And no matter the circumstances, he should never raise his hand to a woman, NEVER! We should be good examples as parents because no matter how much we talk, if we do the opposite they are bound to copy that, especially the fathers. They should be positive role models to their boys. And moms, be an example of an ideal wife of course because when boys search for a wife, they look for a woman who resembles their mothers as much as possible in most cases.

CHIDO: My son, here is what I’ve learnt about marriage. Marriage is about friendship. Your spouse is your go-to person. You do not go behind her back or go over her, you go with her. Marriage is about trust and every day you are building that trust. One day you will need to withdraw from this trust bank, so deposit as much trust as you can in your spouse. Lastly marriage is about forgiveness. Marriage is made up of two great forgivers.

CHIEDZA: I would advise my son to not let anyone come between him and his wife and to treat his wife as his best friend – no secrets. Be very open about anything no matter how bad it is. He has to share his happiness and sadness with his wife and she should come first. Children are an added blessing to the marriage, but wife comes first because he came to know wife first before the kids.  Plan everything together with her and not make decisions alone. He has to consult her in everything.

TSITSI: Marriage is a lifetime commitment thus you need to settle with someone you really love. Take time to know your partner so that you will not discover some traits you don’t like when married. If there are things you don’t like, it’s best solved before marriage. Be faithful and honest. Everything should be transparent. Most marriages are failing because people are not faithful and honest. If there are any traits you don’t like in your partner be open and say it. Never pretend because eventually this might affect your marriage. Always respect your partner. Marriage is a mixed bag of everything thus you need someone who you will respect and love even in difficult situations.

GREATMAN: I would advise him to perceive marriage as a lifetime commitment that requires special attention from both parties, an arrangement where one gets what they give. Really would love him to perceive marriage as a process not an event. To get the best out of your partner, view them as a partner and friend instead of object to be bossed around. Most importantly, I would advise him to learn to be humble and apologise in case of a mistake and never tell a lie.

NGONI: I would tell him that I raised him to be able to treat people well, particularly women. Since marriage is meant for life he must take his time to choose a life partner and not bow to social pressure. There will be challenges in marriage and he must face them head on. He should not involve people in his affairs unless necessary. Treat his partner as the other half meant to complete him. Involve her in decision making but must also be firm as the head of the house (not be put under petticoat government). He should remember to make a balance between the two families in terms of social and financial support. Above all, treat your wife as you would want your daughter or sister to be treated by a man.

ERNEST: I will advise him on being content with his wife and always pray to God to protect their marriage, to love, forgive, be happy and have lots of sex. I will give him Psalm 91. It’s the verse we were given by our late friend who was a priest.

VITALIS: I suggest your article could be in two parts, courtship and staying together in marriage (!!!Vitalis was my O' Level English teacher y'all hehe). During courtship

1. Pray hard. It needs holy guidance.
2. Befriend first to see habits.
3. Go check how they live.
4. Should be a Christian.

Plus, my son, look for someone who’s loving, who is beautiful in your eyes. Find a people’s person who will love your relatives or else you will be isolated in the family. She should be well-behaved. She needs to be smart and a good cook. If it’s about marriage, you need to have cardinal principles to guide you: transparency, honesty, accountability etc. the truth is most good men are led astray by women and vice versa.

CEBI: My take would be to find out if he knows what marriage is. Knowing that marriage is a commitment not a feeling will make the union a happy one. Feelings change, so marriage should not be built on them. When you disagree on something you may feel unhappy but that doesn’t mean you’re not committed to each other. Beyond being a commitment, marriage is a covenant between two people. Proverbs 3:19-20… it takes wisdom, knowledge and understanding to build a marriage.

REJOICE: I would advise him to pray for his marriage, respect his wife, not to keep secrets, not to cheat, love his wife’s relatives. Stand by his wife always. He should communicate and to have fun.

PAIDA: Know her HIV status. Investigate sexual history; know her relatives, religious background. Level of education should not be the foundation of your marriage. Your choice should not be influenced by what you see on social media.

SEKURU MILTON: Ngaatsvage musikana ane chimiro chaanofarira kuti asazobhoekane naye mangwana. Azive kuti anogona kumuwana ari or asiri mhandara (kana amuda asiri mhandara ngaabve agutsikana naye asazozvidya mwoyo  nazvo till amen). Mukadzi haasi wekudzvanyirira pazvose. Asamhanyire bonde naye vasati vaitwa HIV test. Changamukawo kutsvaga nzira dzekufadza mukadzi wako pabonde. Ukapusa unotorerwa netwakachangamuka. Musikana ngaavewo mudiki ne4 years or more please. (He should find a girl with a physique that pleases him to avoid future frustration. He should know that she will probably not be a virgin, and if he loves her regardless of that fact, he should forever hold his peace till amen. Women are not to be oppressed all the time. He shouldn’t rush into sex before getting tested for HIV. Be sure to satisfy your wife in bed because someone might snap her away from you. The girl should be younger than him by 4 years or more.)

ANGELINE:  I’d advise my son to be an honest, loving and faithful man. To appreciate and treasure his wife, to be her best friend and stand by her no matter what, to respect and protect her and their kids whole-heartedly.

FARAI: when he’s old enough, I’ll tell him that marriage will be one relationship where he doesn’t have to win every fight, compromise is the name of the game.

NYARADZO: I will tell my son to love his wife but still asambunyikidzwe nemukadzi (he should not be oppressed by the wife) because at times madzimai tinotonga (women are control freaks). All I want is to see my son happy saka ndikaona asina mufaro or kana kandiudza kuti ari kutongwa ndinotopindira munyaya dzavo chete (if I see him miserable or if he tells me he’s being oppressed, I’ll definitely be involved in their affairs).

ERICA: conflicts are inevitable in every marriage. You will be married to a person, and every person is unique. In marriage learn to resolve conflicts and to work in harmony not fight over petty things. Marriage is a team of two, from a Christian perspective, to process life together for the Glory of God. Respect your spouse’s ideas even when you disagree with them.

OTTILIA: Follow your heart, your instinct. Marriage is successful if you are equal partners giving as much as you receive, and willingness to compromise. There is no head or tail in that sense. Knowing that the head would be useless on its own allows you to appreciate the importance of the tail (this is in a metaphorical sense.)

MHONDA: the wedding ring is the smallest but toughest handcuff ever made. Think twice before you decide to lock yourself in. Don’t get into marriage so that you can fall in love.

KUDA: I guess I would tell him to follow his heart and seek a friend, companion first before all glitz and glamour. The lady should be your best friend.

CLARA: Go for HIV testing and stick to the one you have chosen.

DORCAS: to put it simply – be a good husband and find someone who values him and values family.

MYSELF:  Your marriage is not likely to survive or at least be happy if you’re not friends. Friends might butt heads a few times, but they look out for each other, they like spending time together, they don’t do things that they know would hurt the other.  Be the reason why your wife would want to go around telling people that marriage is a blessing. Don’t be the reason why she goes on her knees every day with tears in her eyes and says to God, “You say you neither sleep nor slumber, where were you when I married this person?” Your presence in her life should add value, not take away anything from it. Marriage is about companionship and loyalty. It’s not about the woman worshiping the ground that the man walks on while he doesn’t make an effort to make her happy – to every king there must be a queen. It’s not about flowers that wither, clothes, or a car that she could very well buy for herself. Yes the material things count too, to augment the love you have for her, but they should never replace it. They’re not the most important; otherwise you’ll just be the cash cow while she continues to look around for other things that she’s not getting in the marriage. Do as you would be done by – if you don’t like to be cheated on, don’t cheat, if you like to be respected, show some respect, if you want transparency, be transparent, if you like being shady in the relationship, accept it when she does it too.  You’re getting married because you chose this woman. Don’t allow anyone, not me, not your father, or your sisters to influence how you relate to her. If she’s nasty, you’ll see it. Don’t let someone else be your eyes. A family that prays together stays together. It’s a tried and tested concept.

Related Post Marrying Wisely

Guests from hell

When I was still quite young, below 10, my father’s distant relative visited us from the rural areas with his wife and five undisciplined children. The husband and wife both were said to have some level of mental illness and lived in abject poverty. They were dressed in very dirty and tattered clothes and made a real spectacle as they walked down the road and descended on our house. Our house wasn’t very big, so when the seven of them came, we became quite a crowd. His children were all over the show clamoring, literally climbing walls, and everything you can expect from unruly children. He said he had just decided to visit my father because he missed him. Heartwarming as it was, we were all at the verge of tearing our hair out as the visitor and his family stole the show.

My father was quite frustrated and asked him, “Why do you move around with your whole family like this? He responded, “Sekuru, nzou hairemerwi nemusinga wayo.” (translated literally it means the elephant is not burdened by its own tusks, meaning one does not find it challenging to deal with their naturally given responsibilities. One should be equal to one's responsibilities**.)

In the townships, neighbours see everything. Our neighbour from across the road came from town with terrible news. She had just seen our guest and his family sitting in a restaurant in town enjoying refreshments. No guessing where they obtained the money for those refreshments! “I think they’re coming back, ”the neighbour said. We all wanted to faint. Sure enough, towards sunset, our street was treated to another spectacle as the guest and his family sashayed back to our house. History from the previous night repeated itself.

The next day, my father took him and his family to the bus, paid the fare himself, and did not leave until the bus departed.

Over the years, I’ve also had a fair share of guests from hell, guests who make you feel too scared to get out of bed or come back home from work because they would have just taken over, like the camel in *this story. I once hosted a bully who would demand a specific blanket I was using saying that’s the one she wanted to use. She would also come to the kitchen as I was dishing. I used to dish directly onto the plates, not in a bowl for everyone to serve themselves. She would come and her eyes would dart around the plates before settling on one. She would stretch her hand and point towards the chosen one. “I want that one!” she would declare. She also became best friends with my helper, and every time I turned my back, they would burst out laughing.

I also hosted another who would turn down the food we offered, waltz into the kitchen and start preparing her favourite dishes without even asking. We would just sit there like spectators and watched her do her thing like she owned the place.

My late brother-in-law was an amazing guest. He would wake up, do his bed, clean his room, and he would sometimes even wash his plate after eating if the dishes had already been done.

It’s difficult to start dishing out dos and don’ts when guests arrive because you may end up coming across as uptight and people might end up feeling very uncomfortable. I’ve been hosted in places where I was really distressed by the treatment I got or the general atmosphere, and would hate for anyone that visits me to feel that way. At the same time, I would not want the guests to be way so comfortable that I become uncomfortable on my own turf. I don’t think I’m a fussy hostess, but here is what I expect of my guests:

• Observe meal times. After preparing meals, I want to rest, not have to wait on someone who decides to have their own timetable.
• If you are not allergic to what’s on the table, please just eat it. Don’t get all uppity on me and cook separate meals because I budget for the month and your preferences might set me off. There are exceptions to this rule, though. there are people that have free reign of my house and can request what they would like me to cook for them because they also spoil me when I visit them.
• If you have your own special food that you would like to eat, not because you are allergic to mine, by all means you can buy and cook it or if you can’t, just ask. I would gladly help.
• Relax. Don’t be rigid. If you have to go out early, let me know the night before so that I can wake up aware that there is an early meal to prepare. I don’t want to suddenly have to run around as if there is an emergency when you knew all along that you had an early day.
• Do your own bed.
• If you are a woman, please help out with the cleaning, cooking, serving, anything. Don’t just sit and prattle away while I work like a flogged horse. 

Below are some of my friends’ stories about some obnoxious habits their guests exhibited. All names have been changed, just in case the guests come across this post and decide to pay them another visit!

Georgina

I dislike visitors who don’t clean up after toilet or bathing, don’t spread their beds and ask me or the helper too many questions, e.g. how much was the table, ndidzo nguva dzinodzoka baba vepano? (Goodness! Is this the time your husband comes back home?)

Monica

They had stinking shoes and general bad odour, such that it was hard even to use the bathroom after them. They had bad habits in as far as personal hygiene was concerned. I couldn’t solve it because they missed vital lessons growing up. Too bad!

Thando

I hosted my aunt’s daughter who wanted to be treated like a queen even when she didn’t contribute anything in the house. She was selective on everything from bathing soap to lotion to food to TV channels, and would mercilessly raid the fridge. For instance id buy fruits and juices which were supposed to last for a certain period but you would just helplessly watch her consume things at an alarming pace. She was also a student on attachment who would expect you to transport her to work. She later went to South Africa for a post grad and also butted heads with my sister who was now looking after her. Her behaviour was a huge embarrassment with my brother-in-law. When she started working, they never saw her money and she expected them to cater for her every need including buying her bath foam and special hair shampoo as her skin was ‘sensitive to soaps. She would wash dishes wearing industrial gloves.

 Fay

I had one who started arranging her cosmetics in my bathroom – a lipstick here, the eyeliner there…  I simply took a plastic, put all her things, gave her and said, “Here are you things. Don’t leave them in the bathroom.” She would leave the comb with hair on it in the bathroom. I simply threw the comb in the bin. I don’t like to be stressed under my own roof so I do what makes me happy.

Cleo

We tell our guests the house rules as soon as they arrive. I only make breakfast for my husband. If the guest wants to go out between the time hubby eats and our own breakfast time, then he prepares his own food. I once had serious problems with visitors who didn’t want to respect our residential complex rules and made lots of noise. Another was storing dangerous stuff in the garage. He would go out and steal diesel by draining it from haulage trucks, and he would keep it in the garage. I threatened to report him and he stopped. One of our other rules is that married people are not allowed to bring friends of the opposite sex. If they are not married, we don’t want them bringing different boys or girls home.

Miriam                                                                   

I found work for my friend and helped her relocate to stay with me. I hosted her for one month and she didn’t cook or do house chores. I used to do her laundry when I was doing mine, but she would only take hers only when doing laundry and would use my washing powder. I did her laundry because we were using the same basket so I thought it impolite to do mine only. I saw that she didn’t want to move out, so when there emerged a vacant house nearby I quickly told her and pushed her to move.

I think the best way to deal with difficult guests it to be open about how you do things from the beginning. But sometimes we want to be the perfect hostesses and forget that we are actually stifling our own happiness and comfort all in the name of accommodating people who are just being selfish.

Mary

I once hosted a cousin and everyday he would bring his own guest for dinner. You can imagine the inconvenience of having to put an extra plate. So at times he would finish work late and I would put his plate of food in the microwave and tell him your food is in the microwave. It’s so irritating to serve food twice.

Sue
If I host i will tell the guest to feel free in my kitchen for self-service. I don't want to feel inconvenienced, unless if the person is challenged somehow. I don't have time. 

Julia

They come as guests and end up wanting to compare how you do your stuff in your house with how they know. It was my honourable mother-in-law. It was the worst nightmare of the month. She would criticize even her beloved son. As far as she was concerned, my helper was eating too much food, watching TV too much and was not respecting me, I was too friendly with her, my husband, her son was not man enough to put order in the house…Finally it got to the top of my head and I stood my ground and told the son to discipline his mom. She never had the ear to listen so I ended up just ignoring her snide remarks and we ended up understanding each other.

The advice I would give is don’t even change your system. The guests have to adapt. It’s your house and your rules.

**Obtained from this page

16 Days of Activism Contribution

I don’t actually think commemorating 16 Days of Activism against Gender Based Violence (GBV) will yield any big results. Women will continue to be brutalised, raped and killed. I, however, believe that just like with other important days we observe, it gives us an opportunity to discuss certain issues that are usually left on the wayside as we concentrate on the “more important issues”.

Gender-based violence, in my opinion, is mostly a product of poor communication between men and women. Deceit, power play, and especially sex have contributory roles in how people end up holding each other’s throats instead of hands. I really went to town trying to analyse how I view relations between men and women – the cheating in marriages, how married women are mostly at the losing end while men emerge victors most of the time, and how women view sex and what they really treasure in their relationships with men.  

I was fortunate to get contributions from my good friends Vitalis and Peace, which I’m publishing verbatim to avoid any distortion. I’m sure most men won’t like what I write about their treatment of women and will think I just hate men in general. Not true, I like men so much that I even went ahead and married one of them. But I keep my eyes and ears open and observe things.

My contribution to the 16 Days of Activism against GBV is in the articles To have and to (strangle) hold, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”, and What do women want, really. Enjoy!