Why most married women are reluctant to report rape

Pic by Mishy Mudekunye

As I was writing an opinion piece on rape (Read it here), I was curious to find out women’s preparedness to disclose rape to their partners, particularly if they were married. It was disturbing to note that not many are keen to report rape either to their husbands or to the police. It scares me to think how many rapists are walking scot-free because of this reluctance to report. I kind of understand where these women are coming from, even though I wish to change that mindset. I also spoke to three gents, who I must say, were incredibly sweet in their approach, but things are easier said than done. When you’re not in a situation, you think and react differently than when you are in it.

All rape should be reported, regardless of the aftermaths. Rapists belong in jail, not on our streets. If a woman doesn’t report rape, she exposes another to the same violation. Let’s speak out ladies (and gents! Increasingly men are getting raped too and choose silence for their own sets of reasons).

This is the question I asked them: If you got raped, would you tell your husband and report to the police?

Za – Yes and no…it all depends on how the rape occurred. Normally I don’t think I’d have a problem with reporting to the police, whichever way it happened, but with a spouse it can be tricky because I will risk being made the author of my ordeal. For example, I might be raped by a boss whom I was close to, maybe to my husband’s disapproval. In that case it’s difficult to tell him. As a person who deals with offenders on a daily basis, with some being perpetrators of sexual offences, I have come to understand that rape occurs under different circumstances. The easiest to report is when a minor is sexually abused by an older person. Then there are instances where one is raped by robbers or waylaid by strangers; that is also easy to report. But when it’s done by someone you know and trust, it’s difficult to report especially if married, because you risk being accused of lying and having had an affair. Husbands feel stripped when the whole community gets to know of the rape, and this in turn leads to the collapse of the marriage. In a case where one has an understanding and supportive husband, when the issue comes out, the man’s relatives tend to persecute the woman, you’ll be regarded as a prostitute when you are just an innocent victim.

Ngoni – Hmmm tricky stuff. As informed as I am, I think I would tell because I would need to seek treatment for prevention of HIV. If I didn’t inform him and he saw me taking the tablets, how would I explain it? I know it’s easier said than done because men are highly unpredictable. As for police, isn’t it automatic that they get involved before you get treatment?  If it isn’t the case, I don’t think I would report. It’s so humiliating and I’ve attended rape court cases. Hmmm you need to be a strong character to be in that dock? I felt sorry for the victims as they were torn apart in the presence of their husbands. Haaa even if he loves you, he won’t get an erection at home after witnessing that. I know a couple who were robbed here in South Africa and the woman was raped in the presence of the husband. Initially he was supportive, though he never touched her again and eventually they separated. So it’s like it was the woman’s fault.

Susan – I think telling him depends on what type of person he is, so to me it would be about knowing his character first. I know men that would blame and accuse the woman for going out to seek the rape. Instead of comforting and seeking the best possible way to assist her go through it, they’ll probably hit and rape you too as punishment. I think if it is someone with whom you have always had a good relationship, it might be possible, but I think I would keep it inside.

Leslie – Yes I would, without thinking twice. First port of call will be a hospital for ARVs. If you hide it, then it comes out like you consented. The risk of issues is higher if you hide it. I know a lot of people would prefer not to say anything, but what if the same rapist comes back for you or goes after your daughter or relative? How would you feel then?

Sandra – many people don’t want to tell their hubby because they want to avoid future problems like divorce. Also, they might not report because they are afraid of the shame that rape brings to a woman. Not reporting might result in the woman suffering from depression. As for me, I would rather tell my husband and report to the police. It’s good for the husband to know, just in case you contracted HIV or any other STI, and can protect him.

Dulile – It leaves a lot of unanswered questions. No man wants to sleep with a woman who has been raped. The thought of knowing that someone was eating your cake is a complete turn-off, especially for men. Their tool is very sensitive.

Namatayi – I’d definitely inform the police.  I would not tell husband unless there was risk, i.e. if tests revealed an STI or worse. Men are unpredictable. He may torture me with that in the near future as if it was my fault to have been raped.

Rejoice – I would tell my husband, just in case I’d have contracted a disease, but not the police because they are not reliable. I’d, however, ask the husband to keep it to himself. But if the husband is not the caring type, I will not tell him.

Bubu – Eish, tough one. He needs to know but you would have to kiss him goodbye.

Kholiwe – Rape is very traumatic incident, so I believe I would tell him to help me deal with it.

Faith – Yes, I would tell hubby and report the case, but it depends on how caring your hubby is. If he’s good, he’ll help you pull yourself together during that time and make sure the rapist is behind bars. But if he’s uncaring, you would be in trouble. You’d probably just need to stay quiet and not report to the police.

Chinga – I would tell him and report to the police as well. If I don’t tell him, it would appear as if I’m hiding something, that I did something and then decided to call it rape.

Fortunate – It depends with the situation – how did you get raped, but for health purposes, you will tell hubby and report to the police for you to get prophylaxis drug.

Nyaradzo – yes I would tell my husband and make sure that the culprit goes behind. If you don’t report, the stress will kill you.

Sihle – Yes I would because that issue will eat you alive if you don’t talk about it.

For the men: How would you react if your wife told you she had been raped?

Ernest – I would want to know and would go for counseling on how to handle the situation so that my love for her would not change. A cheating wife, if raped, would not report.

Tavonga – I would shoot the mother@$% that did it! It’s hard. The thing she would need from me more than anything is support and understanding because she will not be the same person emotionally and mentally. I would not reject her because a person doesn’t choose to be raped.

Greatman – that’s a tough one, but I honestly wouldn’t want my wife to suffer the effects of such a tragic incident alone. If it is genuine rape, I really would love to support her. A man knows when his wife is lying or not. Besides, intimate details around the rape will give a clue as to what really happened. The culture you cultivate with your partner will, however, determine if she will be free to tell you or not. I believe it’s easier to deal with the pain associated with the truth than the pain associated with lies and secrets.

Reporting rape will reduce more cases

While sentencing a rapist recently, Chief Justice Bheki Maphalala lamented how the courts were overflowing with rape cases. A report released in July indicated that there were 124 cases of rape between the months of April and June, an increase of 11,7 percent in comparison to the same period last year. It is disturbing to live in a violent society where you have to look over your shoulder all the time. What should disturb us even more is the reality of many rape cases going unreported, which might be exacerbating the situation as the criminals continue to roam freely, preying on more women.

People don’t report rape for reasons varying from fear of being shunned by the family if the assailant is a member of that family, promises of recompense, lack of faith in the justice system, fear of being judged by society, and where married women are concerned, fear of being rejected by husbands.  The society we live in is not always sympathetic to rape victims, unless if it happened during a home invasion or the woman got waylaid. If the aggressor is known to the woman, she is usually made to feel like the architect of her ordeal – “What was she doing there in the first place? What was she wearing? She must have seduced him. They must have been in a relationship.” It suddenly stops being about the dastardly crime that has been committed but justification of why it was done and how the woman could have avoided it if she didn’t want it. The rapist becomes the victim: poor man, what could he have done with the woman delivering herself to him on a silver platter like that? Men who rape don’t do so because they were provoked in some way. They do so because they are criminals, and criminals belong in jail. Rape can happen to anyone. Even men are not immune to it. If it was your mother or daughter that got raped, would you try to justify why it could have happened to them and exonerate the attacker?

It made sad reading when the woman that was allegedly raped at the Manzini Wanderers Clubhouse, and initially chose not to press charges against her alleged assailants, was flogged via social media. One person said she brought the rape on herself by dancing seductively. Dancing in a certain way or drinking at a certain hour is not an invitation to violation. Others questioned why she was drinking at night with men. A reader even misdirected his sympathy by saying, “Poor husband!” I refuse to believe the cliché that men are dogs which can’t control themselves. Rape is not really about irrepressible urges. It’s an expression of power by cowards who target those that they presume are vulnerable to them.

Senelisiwe Zwane, a social worker who deals with offenders, said in about eight out of 10 cases, rapists never own up to their offence. The few who do admit twist the facts in ridiculous ways to make themselves look less guilty. She gave the example of an 80 year-old convicted of rape who blatantly claimed that he was asleep under a guava tree which his granddaughter climbed with no panties and unfortunately fell and landed on his manhood. Zwane said most of those who admitted claimed to be in relationships with the victims.

In a random survey, out of 12 married women, only five said they would definitely tell their husbands and report to the police in the event of rape. (Read their exact responses here.) The others were wary of telling “uncaring” husbands for fear of the blame being laid squarely at their feet, preferring to just report to the police. There were many “hmm, aaahs, we’ll have to see”. There are horrific tales of men whose wives got raped and the men became so repulsed that they did not want to touch their wives again, resulting in the collapse of marriages. One woman, Rejoice, said she would tell her husband but would not bother to tell the police because she had no faith in them. It’s hard to blame her, considering what happened to Cebsile Khumalo of Nhlangano (Swazi News September 19). She bravely fought off an aspiring rapist and reported him to the police, but the case never saw the light of day after the police reportedly concluded that there was no witness hence struck the matter off the court roll. Rapists don’t usually rape people at a crowded market place. Usually the victim is the only witness and should get her day in court, which makes the way this case was handled quite perplexing. If allegations that the attacker had raped before are true, then it is a much bigger problem.

Regardless of cases like Khumalo’s falling through the cracks, there is reason to have faith in our justice system. Rapists are getting convicted almost on a daily basis, although more continue to commit the same crime. It’s now time to roll in the big guns on this scourge, no more treating it as a hush-hush affair. What probably needs to be done is to sensitize the public a lot more about rape: that it is a revolting and violent crime that everyone should fight against, all cases must be reported, and victims need support and sympathy, not verbal abuse on top of the psychological torment they already have. There needs to be even more discussion with younger children too, and listen carefully to what they say. Gone are the days of “children should be seen and not heard”. We should tell them over and over to report anyone who touches them in any sexual way or abuses them, even if they are threatened.

McolisiColani Vilakati was jailed 30 years in July for raping two children under the age of 10 (Times of Swaziland July 28). The children told their grandmother, but she sat on that intelligence and thought they meant he proposed love to them. What a letdown! It is important to report rape timeously in order to get access to a prophylactic within the stipulated time to avoid sexually transmitted infections, and emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy. There might also be need to collect evidence before it gets tainted and for the rapist to be caught before he gets time to spin his web of lies. Reporting rape is not easy because of the delicate details involved, but in the interest of justice, it has to be done. One has to consider the repercussions of not reporting. You will always know that the maniac is out there, ready to pounce on his next victim or even come back for you. Maybe you will even see him every day if he’s known to you, gloating and walking scot-free with an extra spring in his step while you’re crumbling inside. Not getting reported makes the attacker more brazen and the attacks may escalate to serial status or even murder. You don’t want it to get to that; it has to be nipped in the bud.