Marrying wisely

Almost on a daily basis, there are reports in Swazi papers regarding vicious crimes of passion. Mostly it’s the men stabbing the women they have been in relationships with for a long time. It is hard to believe that all these things are happening to people who once lost sleep over each other, wanting to be together, but eventually got to a point where one loses sleep and sanity fearing for her life while the other loses sleep cogitating how to make the woman pay for whatever offences he thinks she committed.

I just keep wondering where people go wrong when choosing people to get married to or share their lives with. Do some carry out some form of assessment of they just fall into it without much consideration, like I did? I never got much counselling from anyone, except a nun, believe it or not. 
Knowing what I know now, I would say marrying wisely can happen, but there are a lot of factors that make it almost impossible, especially in the society I come from. People, especially women, are usually bullied into marriages they are not ready for. When you reach a certain age, people won’t just get off your back. They keep bugging you about when you are going to get married. People aren’t concerned about your happiness, they just want you to get married because “everyone should get married.” When the marriage begins collapsing they force you to hold on “for the children’s sake”, tell you that divorce is a sin, all marriages are like that.

Because of all these societal prescriptions, many people are trapped and frustrated, which has seen a rise in crimes of passion, HIV infection as people stray from partners they don’t love anymore but feel compelled to stay with, and suicides. There are people who would rather die than face another day in the presence of someone they picked for themselves, all because they probably did not put much thought into one of the biggest steps of their lives. That sucks. Premarital counselling would really help prepare young people for marriage, but the problem with our patriarchal society is that all attention is on the girl to go out there and make her husband happy, while men get little or no guidance to make marriages work.  They just go thru life thinking women are supposed to serve them while they cheat, drink and shout at their wives like strong African men and everything is honky dory. A man is deemed to be successful if he is gainfully employed and can provide materially for his family, while for a woman it means acquiring a husband who can look after her, and holding on to him like her life depends on it. it doesn’t matter if she has acquired six degrees, if she doesn’t have a man by her side to take home to mama, society would want to judge her harshly and say, “But…”

For me marrying wisely would involve marrying someone you can call a friend. Ask questions about his vision in life, what are his aspirations, where does he stand in his spiritual life? What might look like small things usually become really big mountains that can send your marriage toppling over later in life. Look out for how that person treats you in private and especially in public spaces. Be with someone who never makes you feel small. An ambitious person is a good catch because there’s nothing appealing about stagnating in life. Some people, however, are so ambitious that they will trample on everyone’s head and dreams, including yours, just so they can go up the ladder. They will even kick you down to the bottom so that you never catch them and they are the only ones on top of the pyramid. Look out for the signs. Then there are the unaspiring ones who will want to pull you to the bottom of the ladder so that you can’t upstage them. They want you to flush your aspirations down the gutter then you can vegetate together. You need all your wits around you when you choose a marriage partner.

I asked my friends what they thought marrying wisely involved and got very interesting responses. Evidently people have varying opinions on what marrying wisely entails, and that must be the reason why most marriages end up drowning. Spouses’ expectations of each other might not correspond; the man might feel marrying wisely means having a woman who knows I’m boss, stays at home to support my career and waits on me hand and foot, while the wife might feel marrying wisely involves having a husband who supports her as she climb the corporate ladder, a man who doesn’t act like a puppet master. If the two don’t find common ground, before long they end up butting heads. Read on…

The Cynical

Edith** – You are asking the wrong person, Hun. I thought I married wisely – twice around – look at me now. I also need to know maybe then I can get it right in my next life lol. I learnt nothing from my marriages other than that appearances can be deceiving.

Cecilia** - There's no such thing as marrying wisely. Being wise is avoiding it altogether.

Susan – Wisely doesn’t work, it’s just luck. The wise thing is not to marry. Be with someone when you have means to take care of yourself and that someone can take care of himself too. Someone who can live and let live, with a sense of humour, shares some of your passions. Preferably if you have been together for some time so you know him better.  But the wisest thing is financial independence. On its own it can’t make one happy, but it gives a lot of leverage and options.

Vision – One can never marry wisely. It’s just God’s grace we pray for to land the right partner, and lots of hard work to make a relationship sustain. Marrying wisely is marrying my wife! It’s more luck than strategy really. 

Dorcas – Haha I don’t think there’s any such thing because we all constantly change over time. I think it’s God’s case.

Tsitsi – Marrying wisely??? That’s God’s case.

Samuel – Wow, is there anything like that? I know that hindsight knowledge teaches you otherwise or qualifies people to say you married wisely.

Fortunate – Marriage is about an individual, how much you are willing to sacrifice to make it work. There is nothing like marrying wisely.

Cleo** – I feel marrying wisely doesn’t exist. I have seen the worst of marriages. Many people change after marriage. Cheating seems to be the norm nowadays. People can’t just be trusted.

Hazel – I think marrying a kind, forgiving and God-fearing person is wise. Unfortunately even if you think you are choosing your partner wisely and make what everyone would say is a good choice, you can never be sure, because these people (men) can change on you. Rinonyenga rinohwarara, isn’t it? On Christian programs I have heard lots of stories of women who married guys who seemed like good Godly men who then transformed into devils after the wedding or some years into the marriage. So I think in the end it is a combination of choosing as wisely as you can, prayer and luck.

The philosophers

Chiz – I guess people need to date long enough to have a good understanding of each other before marriage. Things like religion, likes, and dislikes, the other   person’s temperament in general are very crucial.  People should be able to move away if they find any faults while dating rather than compromising and hoping they will change after marriage. I didn’t consider all that when I got married, but was fortunate enough to find the right one. In other words, if I knew then what I know now, I would have considered those things and would still have married my wife.

Daniel – marrying wisely is getting someone who is intellectually compatible with you, whereby you can have a discussion or argument but still understand each other. This, however, should be sealed with love otherwise it will be a disaster. A wise loving partner should know what to say, when to say it and how to say it.

Farie – I think marrying someone whom you can gain something positive from, someone who will build you up, inspire and strengthen you is wise. You should avoid someone with a lot of negativity which will eventually bring you down. In other words, get to know the person’s vision. A man or woman without a vision will just live a life without purpose and I likely to go round in circles. Unfortunately I didn’t think of all that before I got married kkkk.

Chido – I was never a material person. I think marrying wisely, the first thing are you in love with that person, compatibility do you feel good around that person or you have to do everything to please them. Can you be angry at them when they make you cross or you just smile? Do you enjoy same hobbies or you just go and watch soccer on telly to please them. I think if you marry a person who ticks on all those above you have done wisely.

Nondumiso – I think marrying wisely is marrying someone you have known for a while before falling in love with – you share the same interests and ideals.

Greatman – marrying wisely is marrying someone you love, understand their life vision, and accept their weaknesses, marrying someone who has desire and economic potential to achieve. Above all, it means marrying someone who understands God.

Vitalis – if I had to tell my child about marrying wisely I’d ask, does your chick love you? Are you in love, are you friends? What makes you think she loves you? Why do you love her? It is a whole lot of defining what love is or is not! What is your future together like? I would ask, “If we removed the beauty and material things, would you still love her?”

The spiritual

 “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain.” Psalm 127:1

Sihle – I think marrying wisely largely looks at one’s beliefs. Have they received Christ? If they have and are walking with Christ and they have a desire to try and live by the word of God, the biggest challenge has been covered. How do they conduct their life? If their dealings and how they conduct their day to day shows their Christian beliefs, then chances are your marriage will be ok because they can exercise restraint. Respect for parents? Yes there are parents who are bad news but I believe that even if they are witches, the fact that they did not devour you should make you respect them for who they are.  If he doesn’t look after his parents, don’t think he would think yours need to be helped. If we go to the word of God, we are required to honour our parents and there are no set conditions. I think attraction also has its place. You don’t want to wake up 20 years later and think, what the hell did I do? I am not really concerned about his financial status because I know that God is in the business of blessing people. God can bless you even if you are uneducated. Not saying that education should not be considered, but just saying even without it, God can still raise one up. So the person should hard working and not lazy.

Peace – Biblically Proverbs 31, a respectable person is a total package. Respectability then can be unpacked based on cultural, social, spiritual, economic standing.

Anesu – I think marrying wisely entails understanding biblical marriage; look to God to give you the right mate, know what you are looking for, be sure you really know each other, and take all the time you need to choose the right one.

The clued-up

Rejoice – Marrying someone with a good heart, who is organized, with potential to improve himself. Don’t just fall into relationships with men who abuse you, lie to you, cheat on you and are stingy even when you are still dating thinking they will change after marriage. You should do quick screening. Most people put money first, but without love, it comes at a price. Don’t settle for a garden boy, you need to be sure there is growth potential here.

Ngoni – It is marrying someone with potential and you are comfortable with.

Moreblessing – Well, I believe when one makes the decision it has to be after weighing many things – love, level of companionship, financial stability/potential for growth, does the person fit in your vision? You don’t just marry blindly.

Fortunate – Marrying wisely means marrying someone who is financially stable. Most of the problems start where money is short.  And of course, marrying someone you love. Most difficult situations are neutralized because you love someone. So for me love is very important, but financially we just need to be stable.

Senelisiwe – Marrying wisely to me means landing a husband who will ensure that you are financially secure for life…who even after divorce will leave you richer than he found you. It’s finding a man who makes more money than you can spend…that’s wisdom kkkk. It has always been said that money cannot buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Hummer than on a bicycle. I’m sure the ideal answer is that wisdom is marrying a guy who genuinely loves you unconditionally and respects you. Call me materialistic, but I still stick to my view.

Mary – I think marrying wisely entails getting what you set out as what set out as what you wanted to start with, and more. I like to be a kept woman, I know all feminists are going to make some noise, but that’s what I like. I wouldn’t mind to be Grace Mugabe. Arguments will always be there in marriage, however, I would like to be able to console myself by using his credit card instead of going to the corner shop and getting a kitkat. I love being loved. I tend to reciprocate what I get. A good marriage for me would have children.

The matter-of-fact

Jasper – marrying wisely means knowing the behaviour and morals of your partner before committing to each other. It means knowing of his or her past, plans in life, and the kind of people he or she associates with.

Rumbi – know what you want, and learn from success and failure. Some people don’t know what they want.

Tatenda – I think you need to be compatible religion wise, be friends, be compatible vision wise and age wise.

Fay – marrying someone you know and who you have a base of friendship with.

Uncle Ben – you don’t marry wisely when you are already married.  It is about taking time to know one another before you engage into marriage gear, because once you get into it, it is difficult to get out.

Faith – marriage depends on the person you are dating. Some decisions taken are not wise at all. Most people just get married for the sake of it, but being married to someone who respects and adores you is a wise way to go.

** names changed

The Parent I would like to be

Headlines like this one are a common sight all over the world

Daily reports of violent crime show that we now live in a highly dysfunctional society full of angry people.  A lot of the aggression in the world is usually attributed to the background of the perpetrators. While I feel that a person should choose his own path, carve his own niche in life, without perpetually blaming his rough childhood, it’s probably easier said than done. David Holmes supported this theory while commenting on the case of William Bonin, the first man in California to bring execution by lethal injection after sexually abusing and killing 21 boys between the ages of 12 and 19. Holmes said a child’s dark side can flourish in an abusive environment. This essentially means that every child might have his good and bad sides, but his upbringing has the power to determine which side becomes more prominent.

I strive to be the best mother in the world. If they ever offer a medal for it on the world stage, I want people to feel they would have done the universe a disservice if they didn’t give it to me. My children didn’t choose me as their mother; I created them, with God’s blessings and a little help from their dad. I willfully brought them on this planet; they were not a mistake or an accident. For that reason, I should always be looking out for their best interest because they are my responsibility. For various reasons, our spouses or partners can walk away from us and get somebody else. Our kids, however, cannot replace us even if they wanted to. They are stuck with us for life, so I should make sure that my presence in my children’s lives is as painless as possible. As long as I’m here, my children should never have to turn to strangers for something that I can provide. I want to be the kind of parent that won’t give a snake to my children when they ask for fish.

My children should be free to create their own paths

God is our spiritual parent, and I’m the earthly one for my children. My deeds should clearly show that I’m His representative to my children. Before I react to anything they do, I should first ask myself how I would feel if God, being my father, reacted to me the same way.

In his book, Daddy, come home, actor Zane Meas laments the absence of fathers in their children’s lives and the impact that has on the latter. There is a line in the book that says, “Boys join gangs because they don’t belong to a gang called family led by a leader called a father.” As an avid viewer of the programme Khumbulekhaya on SABC 1, I’m always overcome with sadness upon realizing that there are also mothers that dump their babies in their infancy, never to come back for them again. This just makes me more determined to cushion my children from the pain in this world by always being present when they need me. Under no circumstances will they ever feel orphaned or rejected while I’m still alive.

I want to be exemplary to my children, when I’m wrong, I will apologise, even to them. I will teach them that being pig-headed especially when wrong, is in no way a sign of strength; it’s actually idiotic. I will not show any partiality to my children. None of them should ever be made to feel better or worse than the other based on their endeavors or gifts in life. I will do as I would be done by.

In the society I come from, if children point out the mistakes of their parents, they are threatened with all sorts of bad things like getting disowned or avenging spirits coming to haunt them once the parent dies. Some children, upon being charged and convicted of the crime of insulting their parents, are condemned to recompense their parents with an ox or goat; just for standing up for what they believe in. All this is simply because a parent won’t say sorry and is trying to teach his child a lesson never to accuse them of wrong-doing ever again. In other words, keep your pain to yourself. If I do wrong, don’t you dare speak about it or you’ll pay, literally! By refusing to just say sorry dysfunctional families are created and dysfunctional families make a dysfunctional society. Those children will also grow up to be spouses and parents who also do not apologise for their wrongdoing, because it was never part of their vocabulary. In this kind of scenario, from an early age, parent to child conversation is never fostered and children are taught to bottle up their pain and not speak out when they should. Putting a lid on emotions can be catastrophic because one day they will boil over. Asking a child not to speak out is blocking communication channels between him and the parent. And we act surprised when people commit suicide because they feel all alone in a burdensome world, and children zip their mouths about things they should speak about, like sexual abuse. I will keep communication channels open so that my kids never have to feel they are alone with no-one to turn to. . Home should be a safe haven, that place a child knows he’s cushioned from the big bad world. If we fail to make a child feel safe at home, then we have totally failed as parents.

Cool mummy by Michelle Mudekunye

I want to be a cool mummy, one that my children will be proud of. I think it is a misconception that if you get too close to them, your children will walk all over you. Children do need a firm hand, but there is a notoriously thin line between that and an iron fist. I want to be a pal, without ever letting them forget who’s boss. Most parents believe that to be a parent worth his salt is to always be ready to crack the whip at the drop of a hat and make your children quake in their boots all the time. I would like my children to fear irresponsible behaviour as it can irrevocably impact their lives, but under no circumstances should they fear me.  I’ll ensure that they know the door is always open if they want to discuss anything under the sun. I will teach them never to let things fester in their heart because that is corrosive to relationships, and consequently, life itself.

I would like to teach my kids to fear God, to respect themselves, and others so that they can also be worthy of respect. Our accomplishment as parents is measured by the deeds of our offspring, more often than not. For example, when a child behaves badly out there, people are known to ask whose child is that, didn’t your mother teach you to knock first before you enter? Didn’t your mother teach you not to stare? When people encounter my children, I want them to say, “Wow, your mother raised you well!” even if they have never met me. It would break my heart if anyone ever called my child, “son of a b&*$h!”

My favourite channels on TV are Investigation Discovery and Crime Investigation (CI). This afternoon I watched a documentary on CI about the murder of 12 year-old Autumn Pasquale in Clayton, New Jersey by 15 year-old Justin Robinson. Robinson, apparently had grown up seeing his father strangle his mother, and that was how he also killed Pasquale. After the conviction, Autumn’s father started a petition for Autumn’s Law. Under this law, abusive or neglectful parents were to be held accountable for their children’s wrongdoing. At the time of writing, more than 13 000 people had signed, but others didn’t agree with him, especially considering that Anita Saunders, the killer’s mother was the one that turned her son in after noticing his suspicious comment on Facebook. I agreed with one blogger who said,

 “Sadly, some kids are just psychopaths and sociopaths by nature. You can raise them right and if it is genetically in them, there’s no kind of parenting than can deprogram that.” 

Obviously some things will not be in my power to change, but where I can, I’ll show up.

I want to raise my children to be strong individuals who don’t run a mile with their tails between their legs and find unhealthy escape routes when problems come. They should sit down and work out solutions. It is also perfectly OK to ask for help from the right people when one is really stuck, but being self-sufficient is more ideal.

From my own conduct, my children will learn not to allow a person, particularly a spouse, to take over their whole life.  They should never lose their sense of self because they invited someone into their life. If their marriages or relationships fail, they should be aware that they always have a place in my house, beneath my protective wings if they want a place to lick their wounds from. I’ll also lick their wounds with them like Mother Dog.  They should never endure miserable marriages on my account, just to boost my street cred.  (There is a lot of street cred commanded from marrying off your kids in the society I come from.) I will tell my children that sometimes people make poor life choices, but it doesn’t mean they should be enslaved by them for the rest of their lives.  They can’t replace their parents, but they can definitely replace an abusive spouse.

Love should ooze in everything I do for my children

One day I will have to loosen the apron strings. I have no intention to sever them completely. When my children are older and have flown out of the nest, getting a call from me should be the highlight of their day. They must never tremble or wish to run into the wilderness in trepidation upon seeing my name on their phones, fearing I’ll make unreasonable demands and threats. I’ll never use emotional blackmail to guilt-trip my children.  Words like one day when I’m gone you’ll wish you had treated me better will never escape my lips. My children should never have to wonder if I love them or not. Love should be oozing from the words that I say to them and the things that I do to or for them.  Even if I spank them or lash out at their offences, they should know it’s coming from a place of love and it’s all for their own good and not my desire to inflict pain. And, yes, I will spank. I believe in not sparing the rod to spoil the child. I don’t care much for the hogwash that corporal punishment has been outlawed.  I didn’t turn out to be this awesome parent by getting away with murder haha!

My Top 11 Love Songs

When one of my friends looked at my playlist on Youtube, she said I had the wrong skin colour because of  my choice. I disagree because I believe music transcends all barriers, including skin colour. I heard someone say he went to a nightclub in China and saw Chinese guys  bobbing to Mandoza's Nkalakatha. Such is the power of music.

These are the songs that make my heart melt like butter on a hot knife. In case you feel amorous one day, consider listening to them ;)

 

*    In no particular order:

1. When the night comes  - Joe Cocker

2.  Still – Liquideep

3. I know I’ll never love this way again – Dionne Warwick

4. Book of Love – Peter Gabriel

5. In These Arms – Bon Jovi

6. When you’re gone – Bryan Adams and Mel B

7. All for one – Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting

8. Whisper in the dark – Dionne Warwick 

9. Feel so close – Calvin Harris

10. Adorn – Miguel

11. The best you ever had - John Legend