The importance of education for people with autism

It’s World's Autism Awareness Day, this year being marked under the theme Autism and Humanity – Every Life Has Value. I have a lot to say today, and it’s not a pity party. Just a candid discussion and opening up like this is a sheer act of bravery. You might have to read this in installments, go out for a coffee or smoke break and return when it suits you😉. A million pages wouldn’t cover everything in my head and heart, but I'm going to primarily address the issue of education for children/people with autism, but I will digress a lot. I always do. My superpower is my ability to tell 10 or more stories in one. First of all, I'm not one of those mothers that sugarcoat the challenges that autism brings and say "God gives special children to special people" or "Autism is Awesome". I’ve had people that ask, “Waida kuti zviitirwe ani (If not you, then who)?”, “God knows your heart, He doesn’t give you burdens that you can’t carry.” Given half a chance, I really wouldn’t opt to take one for the team, no, thank you sirs and ma’ams. I’d totally rewrite the whole script. While we’re here, please don’t say any of the above to anyone with a medical condition, or has lost a loved one, or whose child has special needs. Those are very insensitive and thoughtless things to say. There’s nothing glamorous whatsoever about autism. It's a horrible, horrible condition that shouldn't afflict anyone. It robs people of the joy of parenting, a real thief of joy. There are people who believe every person with autism is a whizz at Maths, music, art or other things. The reality is actually quite different. It's a debilitating condition, not only for individuals that have it, but also for the parents and carers, especially mothers. When you have a child with autism, the right way to express oneself would be “we have autism” because it pervades all facets of your life. It affects how you parent, socialise, plan your life, sometimes even what you eat as a family, everything. Often when I’m trying to be supportive of Victor or listen to his endless stories, Rudairo waves two fingers in the air✌🏾 , and that’s not the peace sign. It’s her reminding me that I have two children and should listen to her stories too. But I feel that Victor, despite being the older child, needs more attention and I waited four years before hearing him speak, so I have to listen. It’s very hard to strike a balance sometimes, so you have to keep checking yourself and in the process you spread yourself too thin. In very unfortunate circumstances, many mothers have to quit their careers so that they can be full-time caregivers to their children on the spectrum who nobody else can handle. It’s almost always the mothers that have to make huge sacrifices, many fathers just run for the hills to avoid the discomfort. Back to the topic, many children (who then grow into adults) are denied the opportunity to get an education. This could be because of an unsupportive system or families that just don’t see the value of taking them to school. Some families even hide their children with autism or keep them locked up because they are either ashamed or have no clue how to handle the meltdowns that worsen in public. The cruel remarks worsen what’s already a very difficult situation. With so little knowledge on the condition, some schools expel pupils whose issues they can't manage. The perceived misbehaviour is usually an indictment on parenting skills, and it becomes easier for parents to just avoid social settings altogether to avoid getting judged for something they have no control over. Help is available to manage the meltdowns, aggression and other behavioural problems in the form of therapy and medication. At some point I used to be very much against medicating people on the spectrum, but learned to accept that it really is a means to an end. If it’s the only way to ensure your child or loved one can function socially, manage anxiety, hyperactivity or severe behavioural issues and be able to take instruction at home and at school, then why not? Diabetics, asthmatics, and haemophiliacs get medication to help manage their conditions. It’s the same concept. Education is important, even for people with autism, especially for people with autism. It gives structure to their lives and for lack of a better phrase, whips them into line by ensuring they have a set pattern to their lives. Most of them actually thrive in structured environments that schools provide, not chaos, uncertainty or being forced to be hermits that never go anywhere. Despite being differently wired, they have the same needs as everybody else. They need self-actualisation, whatever that looks like to them. Many that get the right kind of support excel in their trades of choice and become contributing members of society, one way or the other. It's heartbreaking when some families write off their children simply because they don't function in a way that society regards as normal. Denying them a chance to flourish is robbing them of their future. Charity begins at home; so if you write off your own child, what chance do they stand out there in the marauding world? When you write off your child, you inadvertently teach people how you want them treated. You need to be prepared to go to war for your child, and I’ve fought quite a few, and have a few more in the tank. Victor knows I’m his fighter. When someone mistreats him, he knows he has to tell me, and after telling me, he asks, “Are you going to deal with them?” And I say yes, and I do address the problem, not like the textbook mad black woman. You can still handle business calmly and decisively. Not all battles have to start with a war cry or the haka, but they still need to be fought. Among the many things I’ve learned in my journey with autism is that although I’m generally a soft person, I need thick skin like a rhinoceros and an inner gangster always lurking in the shadows so that I can stand ten toes down on business when I have to. The world isn’t always kind to softies. You can’t simultaneously be an autism parent and a wilting flower. You need tenacity, you need willpower and you need the grace of God. Back to education, when we relocated to Eswatini, Victor seemed to be accompanying other pupils to school as there was no evidence that he was learning anything. In his own time, he mastered how to type, play games and navigate his and other people's laptops. He started reading for comprehension, something I'd thought would never happen. At one point, his late former teacher Gwen told me I needed to accept that he couldn’t read and stop buying him so many books, but I was unrelenting. Sadly she didn’t live long enough for me to tell her that because of Victor, Rudairo was able to read and spell well ahead of her peers because he always read to her and obliged when she asked him to spell for her.

But try as we did, he just wouldn't write. I was OK with that and was satisfied with him typing. Afterall, no one writes anymore these days. Even at the bank you don't really need to sign with a pen. When we returned to South Africa and placed him at a new school, his teacher Carol insisted that he write. I told her I preferred that he carry his laptop to school so that they could hone what he was already good at, not force him to do what he struggled with and magnify his challenges, making him feel inadequate. She insisted he wouldn't bring his laptop to school because she intended to make him write. I was really upset, but because I didn't have too many options lining up for me in the way of school, I decided to tuck my little tail neatly between my legs and allowed her to bully us by forcing him to write. He did learn, and is still learning to write legibly. Some people struggle to read his hieroglyphics, but I can actually decipher very easily because I'm his mom. His ability to type and write have given me a window into his innermost thoughts. During the COVID-19 lockdown he wrote pages and pages on his frustrations with President Ramaphosa changing goal posts regarding the opening of schools. And when holidays approach, he types several pages about his plans to visit his grandparents in Rusape. Now that he has his own phone, I suspect my close relatives want to crucify me upside down for giving him their phone numbers because he bombards them with calls and messages, even at the most inopportune times. He wouldn’t be able to do all that without going to school. He would not have an outlet, because confining him at home would have denied him that. His social skills, which were appalling before, have improved by leaps and bounds because he gets to meet other people daily and keeps learning how to carry himself in public spaces. It’s been well over a decade since he took medication for meltdowns because they’re completely gone, not a single sign that they ever existed. The one moment I felt grateful for Carol's decision to force him to write, that the insistence was in divine order, was when Victor got lost, it will be four years in five days. A kind mom called the police when they couldn't understand each other. Even though he can communicate, on that day he was scared and overwhelmed, and that got in the way of him adequately using his words. The police tried to ask for information from him, but he likely thought he had been arrested and was scared that I'd be angry, so he refused to give them the details, while I was busy losing my mind imagining all manner of horrors that could have befalled him. And the right to remain silent is protected by the constitution, so he probably was exercising it. The police just fed him and let him hog their heater on that cold night, not sure what to do with him. Eventually, around 2am - 14 hours after last contact - he found a pen and paper in the police station and wrote my name and address. The bewildered officers couldn't quite make out what he wrote so they asked him to read it out loud. He did. That's how they came to get me at home where I was sitting up crying my eyes out. He wouldn’t have written if he had been denied the opportunity to go to school. That's my sermon this World Autism Awareness Day. The results take long or aren't even visible, but trust me, it counts to send children on the spectrum, including the non-verbal, to school and allow them to socialise. Not all who wander are lost, as the saying goes. When you least expect it, the results of going to school will rear their beautiful head. Our children have their own place under the sun and shouldn't be treated like the planet's stepchildren. They should be in environments that allow them to flourish, not regress, they should be seen and heard, they matter. If they should fail to achieve anything in life, may that not be because they were denied a chance and someone in their life chose not to try. It can be disheartening to pay school fees for a child that doesn’t show evidence of learning anything, but pay anyway. It’s not a favour taking them to school, they’re entitled to it. They have a challenging condition as things stand, they don't also have to be illiterate. They will grow up to be adults and can't always be sheltered at home. They'd need tools for survival, be able to read, participate in social activities, transact at stores, work even. For those that believe, Ecclesiastes 9:11 says “I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all. So never say never. This morning Victor told me that he dreamt he had left our house and was moving into his own apartment. I don't rule out the possibility of that happening. Everyone, regardless of their standing in society, has a measure of God’s grace. Thank you for reading 🙏🏾🤍.

The Pencil ✏️

A girl in Rudairo's class stole her pencil the day before yesterday. Rudairo saw her using it and confronted her, but staying true to her brand, that girl - I'll call her Rose - stubbornly refused to hand back the pencil. She said, "Everyone knows I bite my pencils , so here..." and she proceeded to bite our pencil so it would look like the rest of her stash, probably also pinched from unfortunate fellow pupils. The teacher wasn't there when all of this was happening. Rudairo let Rose be, and yesterday showed up with a receipt from a month ago when she bought the pencil.

I had no idea she still had it. She reported the thieving classmate to the teacher and presented her receipt as evidence that the pencil belonged to her. The classmate could only present the bite mark as evidence. In the end, we got our pencil back, which Rudairo proceeded to dip in sanitizer as it had been in Rose's mouth. I'm really proud of her for being so resourceful. We would have lost all of the R8.99 we used to buy the pencil, and money doesn't grow on trees, you know. When she told me she had been reunited with our pencil, I told her Rose should thank her lucky stars because I'd already ironed my bum shorts, ready to go and kick up some dust🥊🥊. Rudairo said I should remember to take off my earrings too if an opportunity presents itself again for me to start a fight. I believe it sure will, because that child wasn't punished, after all it was just an R8.99 pencil. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how hard-core criminals are created. They start small, with pencils, then next time it will be a jersey, money, and eventually a car and even a life as they get more brazen after getting away with "little offences". Before you know it, you're visiting them in jail and looking for lawyers. I'm not saying she should have been nailed on the cross, but she definitely needed to be reprimanded or get a demerit at the very least, to nip the bad behaviour in the bud.

You never really know people

In his testimony before the parliamentary committee investigating allegations of corruption in the South Africa Police Service, former Police Minister Bheki Cele said murder was not ruled out in Anele Tembe's death, but prosecutors refused to take the case forward. Anele was popular rapper AKA's fiancée, and she died after 'falling' from the 10th floor of a Cape Town hotel in April 2021. Her death was believed to be a su!cide, which her family and those close to her still dispute. There had been counter-allegations of abuse on the relationship, but mostly against AKA, who was subsequently shot dead in Durban in February 2023, almost two weeks after his 35th birthday.

In the wake of Cele's comments, AKA's father, Tony Forbes, came out in defence of his son. He said he wasn't a killer, wasn't aggressive, loved Anele dearly, and had even asked for her hand in marriage two weeks before she 'jumped'. Tony said the ex-minister's comments were hurtful and unfair. I do feel for him because it's definitely not pleasant to have your dead son's name dragged in the mud. I don't know if AKA took his fiancée life or not. In fact, nobody does. The two people involved aren't here anymore to speak for themselves. What I know, however, is that you can never really vouch for your child or loved ones. Our sweet, obedient and God-fearing children can be absolute monsters in other circles, especially to their intimate partners. It would hurt to hear someone describe your sweet little prince as abusive, but people are capable of such ugliness despite the good side they choose to show to those they hoodwink. There was another case this week at a Cape Town school, where a group of teens ganged up on a schoolmate, flogging him with an assortment of objects such as belts, a hockey stick and I don't know what else because I couldn't bring myself to watch. I'm sure the parents of those evil little thugs are also horrified to see a side of their children they didn't know existed. So next time someone claims they are being abused or have been abused by someone you love or think you know well, don't be quick to dismiss them and say oh I've worked with him for 20 years and he's the most humble of people, he preaches at church every Sunday, he donates to the poor and has no mean bone in his body, or whatever else you think you know. Abusive people are actually two-faced and pick who to show their ugliness. That's why there will always be people who will put their heads on the chopping block for them, believing them to be incapable of cruelty. People, men especially, buy flowers and cars everyday for women they beat to a pulp behind closed doors. Serial killers and child abusers are mostly known in their communities as upstanding people who wouldn't hurt a fly. Even Adolf Hitler had a legion of supporters too!

Skye needs her beauty sleep

My father says Skye is the ugliest dog he's ever seen. I disagree, but because the bible in Exodus says we should honour our fathers and mothers so that our lives on earth can be lengthened, I chose not to argue and let him be. It's starting to get warmer now in Joburg, with Spring Day just hours away. It was bitterly cold in winter and Skye, who usually likes to sleep outside, was amenable to sleeping in the house. She would drag her bed to Rudairo's room, which is now pretty much hers too. Rudairo doesn't mind sharing her room, but Skye sometimes prances a lot and barks late at night, as dogs do. Tonight I heard Rudairo shouting at her saying, "This is why some people say you're ugly. How do you get cute when you hardly get any of your beauty sleep?😆😆

A year since #MarshalltownFire

Today is the first anniversary of an inferno that killed 76 people at a hijacked building in the Joburg CBD. Some of the people failed to escape owing to informal structures that had been built within that building which hampered their escape, while others jumped to their deaths. The remains of some of the victims are still in state mortuaries, unidentified. A very articulate man was interviewed by many media houses, and claimed to have woken up to find his room engulfed in smoke. During a commission of inquiry into the fire, chaired by Justice Sisi Khampepe, that same man, 31-year-old Sithembiso Lawrence Mdlalose , was called to testify as a witness.

Unprovoked,  he blurted out that he had caused the fire as he was trying to conceal a murder he had just committed while high on some drug. He was subsequently arrested and charged with arson, 76 counts of murder, and 86 of attempted murder. His case was repeatedly postponed as authorities tried to verify his details and conduct further investigations. In the last update I've seen, he was still in custody in March, but my colleague Ziniko Mhlaba, who's covering the story, says his lawyer successfully argued that the confession was inadmissible, following which Mdlalose was released. The commission of inquiry found the City of Joburg and Johannesburg Property Company liable for the disaster. No one has been held accountable. 76 people. Try counting to 76, that's how many people died in a horrific manner. They were staying in that building illegally,  but that doesn't mean they had to be incinerated alive. Their deaths could have been avoided, but someone slept on their job to avoid them getting into that building. They're clearly still sleeping because another fire killed four people in another hijacked building in the same CBD last week.

When a plan backfires

 

This former police officer, Lucky Mudau, went to the hospital where his partner, Lebo Monene, worked in February last year and pumped her body with several bullets before turning the gun on himself. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on where you're standing, he didn't die. He suffered spinal cord injury and became paralysed from the neck down. He was sentenced to 25 years in jail this week, but the court said he would not be imprisoned as there's no correctional facility that can accommodate a quadriplegic. He's unable to do anything for himself whatsoever, and now needs assistance to do even the most basic things.

The woman's family is upset with the judgment. They feel Mudau, by avoiding prison, has dodged the bullet, excuse the pun. They wanted him to be made to stand in court so they could be satisfied that he's indeed unable to do so. And who blames them for being suspicious? People who've been pardoned on their death beds have been seen walking, playing golf, and even dancing in some instances. What if Lucky Mudau is seen standing on his own two feet and shopping at Woolworths in a few months? What happens then? 

I wanted to say I hope he lives well into his 90s so that he can have sufficient time to carry his cross and reflect on the heinous crime he committed.  But because I strive to be a good Christian, I'll just keep quiet and pray for the children he orphaned.

It's just heartbreaking that he took a mother from her two children, a daughter from her parents and a contributing member of society. Now he's unemployed and helpless, and has essentially taken himself from his child, parents and other loved ones too. He's now a permanent burden to everyone around him. If life had rewinds and second takes, he would go back to that fateful moment and just walk away. Move on with his life and leave her breathing to move on with hers. Sometimes it's costly to always want to have the last say, as he knows fully well now, I presume.

Father's Day: My 2 Cents

I just remembered something yesterday on Father's Day, and I didn't want to  'preach' about it then, because I don't want to be one of "those women" accused of trying to steal the shine from men on their special day. My colleague Tondani actually commented that Mother's Day is always a very peaceful occasion, with people showing their love to the women in their lives.

Come Father's Day, the mood becomes very combative and there's blood on the streets, especially when the mom-dads hijack the day to vent about deadbeat dads and pat themselves on the back for stepping up to the plate and wearing both mom and dad hats for their offspring. I'll reserve my comments on this, at least for now, because my real issue is about how most men aren't equipped or don't equip themselves to be parents in the absence of their children's mothers. They can only parent effectively in the presence of a woman. Boggles the mind how they're then touted as the heads of the house. This obviously doesn't apply to every man. I was raised by a very hands-on father who would sweep the house, cook, do the dishes, nurse me back to health during my asthma crises, and am aware there are many such dads. But the majority 👐🏾.

Tragedy befell a young family very close to mine and the outcome caused us all so much distress. The mother died in her prime and left two very young children. After her funeral, the children were split between two relatives that live very far from each other, because it would have been burdensome for both of them to go to one family. Of bigger concern was the consensus that the father couldn't look after his children by himself without his wife. So not only had the poor kids lost their mom, but they also ended up losing their dad and each other. They'll grow up without a bond and probably won't even remember each other's faces anymore. If it were up to me, I'd have preferred for another plan that didn't involve separating the children from each other and their father to be made. If the tables were turned, people would never take the children away from their mother to be raised by other relatives because the father had passed away. Regardless of the circumstances - whether the mom has a full-time job or is unemployed, the children would stay with her, unless of course there are exceptional circumstances. In most instances. The removal of a mother from a household strongly mirrors the death of the queen bee in a hive.

In her absence, the hive goes into total chaos. But we're not bees. We're human beings and both parents must be capable of independently steering the ship should need arise.

Some men do fight to keep their children following their wives' demise, but there's usually a lot of pressure or expectation for them to quickly bounce back and find another mother for their children, because of the general belief that they won't cope on their own. Some families even donate the wife's sister to the widowed man so that she can help raise the children. Excuses are created for men to find new companions as soon as possible - "for the children and for stability".  If a woman loses her husband, however, the general expectation is for her to not rush back to the dating scene. They'll say chimbomira zvechibhishu ucheme murume nekuchengeta vana. Hello, how about finding a dad for the kids🤷🏾‍♀️? Who said women don't also need to he stabilised? 

Men really have it much easier than women.
I remember Tsitsi Dangarembga referring to the burden of womanhood, in Nervous Conditions. At that time these were just empty words, but as I grow older I actually see it all around me and even feel it. At funerals, everyone is watching the wife intently to see if she's grieving properly, that means wailing like a good heartbroken African woman who's sad to lose her husband, refusing to eat even if your stomach is gnawing from hunger, and fainting if possible. It's actually quite easy to faint when you're hungry. Even if the deceased husband was abusive and the wife's tears got depleted from weeping due to his indiscretions while he was still alive, she still has to cry for optics, and as they say, apunyaira haashai misodzi. If you try hard enough the tears will come. And your aunts won't be sitting very far from you, encouraging you to cry visibly for the world to see. Men don't have to. Even if they don't have a single tear, people will still feel sorry for them and say, shame his heartbreak is written all over his face, but he's being brave. Zviri kutongooneka kuti ari kushinga semunhu wemurume. Where is the bravery when the children need to be raised? Friends even ensure there's enough booze flowing in the bereaved man's direction. Try drinking at the funeral of your husband and see what a stink that would raise!  But I know of one incident when a colleague of a friend lost his wife and was quite inconsolable and sobbing hard. That man's drunk friend came and started yelling at him not to cry so hard. He said uri kubva wachema kudai asi wanga usina girlfriend here?

Aha! Now we have the answer to why some men don't cry at their spouses' funerals. The support system would already be waiting in the wings. They don't even have to go back to scour the streets "for a mother for their children". Please🙄, we're not stupid. All that has nothing to do with the children.

Almost everything I've said here is a sideshow. The one thing I wanted to say was that men need to grow a pair and be present in their children's lives. You can't wish your children away. Whether there's divorce, death, anything, as long as you're not incapacitated, look after your children. Be hands on. Even if you think the mother is strong enough, kana dai ari Chihera, she's not a dad. She's a mom and you need to be the dad. If you don't occupy your space as a dad, there will always be a void that will manifest in your children's lives, especially when they have their own families.