What advice would you give to your son who is getting married?

In a recent episode of one of my favourite South African soapies, Ashes to Ashes, a young man, Tsietsi was about to get married. The father, Sello and his friend, Mickey were standing with him in an office and the father asked Mickey to help him counsel Tsietsi on how to handle marriage. Together they said if you ever have a girlfriend and her bed is warmer, always ensure you sleep at home every day. If the other woman is a good cook, eat her food but make sure you eat again at home. If your wife catches you out, lie! Remember your lie and stick to it. BOOM! Marriage counselling was done in less than two minutes. They were convinced they had equipped the young man for his upcoming marriage. I just thought to myself, what a load of BS.

Picture sourced from Internet

But this is not just drama. My own research with men in my circle showed that most men never really got premarital counselling. They just bumble through marriage with no clue whether they are coming or going. People just assume, “Oh he’s a man. He’ll figure things out.” This is hardly fair on the man and the wife he marries. Not giving your son guidance on marriage is setting him up for disaster. Even if he got an angel for a wife, it would still not work because it takes two to tango.

I went to my friends and asked them what advice they would give to their sons and I got what I thought were very enlightening answers. I do hope all of them follow their own advice. My input is at the very bottom. Enjoy reading, share with your spouse if you are already married, do some self-introspection, and most of all, communicate with your significant other to find out what would make them happier.

FARIKANAI :  This is a piece of advice I just gave to one of my sons in the Lord. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husband, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Most married men struggle in life because they live contrary to this scripture. If you check all men who abuse their wives, they haven’t achieved much in their lives and they have no peace. It’s like they reach a dead end. I like the part that says that your prayers may not be hindered. Yes the basis of a strong and great marriage is God. You need God in totally every aspect of your marriage. Know that the woman is a weaker vessel and needs to be taken care of and do not be offended by her weaknesses. I’d also advise him that he is the head of the family and should provide for his family. His wife is there to help him and not to fend for the family. Remember your wife is not your mother to feed you and provide for you. Love your wife.

CHIZ: I take it this is advice to a son who is ready for marriage, meaning one who is in a serious relationship and is really considering it! in which case I would have to repeat the values I have been instilling in him all along, because for me this topic shouldn’t just pop u at this critical moment like it did in my own case with my dad. To be honest I don’t remember half the things he said in that discussion because I brought it up, received the talk, and in two weeks I was married. This marriage advice should really start from the time this lad starts noticing girls, at these stages though, it would be mostly about how he should treat women, what the bible teaches on the subject etc. be involved in his life, creating an atmosphere where the lad would rather talk to you about relationships rather than his peers (sounds strange, I know, but it can be done). So when it comes to the real deal…it’s a matter of highlighting a few reminders and bringing to his attention some of the responsibilities that are associated with this life-changing decision and of course supporting him all the way.

DANIEL: firstly marriage is about giving and receiving. It must be balanced. If you find yourself just giving or just receiving, there’s something not right. Secondly never say or do things you don’t want said or done to you. Last but not least, don’t take someone’s child into marriage if you’re not ready to love and respect them. They could be happy with someone else so make sure you make her happy always.

RUTH: what I always tell my son is, “don’t be like your father,” because he knows all about his father’s cheating ways. He caught him in the act so he’s been saying he doesn’t want to get married.

SUSAN: would ask him to remember karma, golden rule. And to go out and experience the world, to know about condoms and safe sex- not to rush to settle. Have fun, get a profession, travel before you settle and only settle with one who is your friend – don’t settle  because of societal pressure, and have a bit of time to bond with your wife before babies. If after two years or so you see that you’re still good, then procreate – otherwise be free to move on. When you settle dear boy – spoil her rotten, tell her you love her, appreciate her make-up, her dressing, her cooking – buy her flowers. Kana mari isipo maputi (When the money isn’t there he can buy maputi.) Kiss and hug her, hold hands, be her lawyer, her critic (who you criticize with love), be her best friend, her better half and helper. She isn’t your slave or subordinate – she is your equal whom you should love and adore. Ndapedza hangu (I’m done here).

TADIWA: I will tell my son that ideally a man should work and provide for family. The wife is his helper and kubatsira hakumanikidzwi (help should not be compulsory). He should love his wife and everything else will fall into place. He should appreciate it when he argues with his wife…the moment she stops arguing or correcting or ask about his whereabouts…he is SINGLE again. 

MANDY: Work hard for the family. Knowing that family comes before all else. Respect the wife, support her dreams. No belittling or verbal, emotional, physical or financial abuse.

• Help the extended family from afar rather than bringing then into the home. Empirical evidence has proved that it strains or even ruins the marriage.
• Incorporate wife’s suggestions and make decisions together rather than being wayward and headstrong.
• Take care of the in-laws who brought up his wife, or at least allow the wife to do so if she has the capacity.
• Be a good role model for the kids through good character, work habits, relationship with wife.
• Strive to keep wife and kids happy. Spend quality time with them, teaching them to fix plugs, gadgets, going for holidays, fishing, taking walks in the hood, watching movies t home/cinemas.
• Invest for the family. Having trust funds, school accounts, rainy day accounts, houses, etc.
• Go to church, love God, pray. It usually helps somehow.
• Help around the house even if you become rich – mowing lawns, unblocking drains etc.
• Instill and maintain healthy habits and fit body.
• Cut the repressive traditional crap such as kugezeswa maoko(having the wife kneeling before him with a dish of water so he can wash his hands before meals), leaving clothes on the floor etc kungoti ndezvemukadzi come what may.

ZA: I would advise him to choose wisely, not to look at the outward beauty only but to take time to know her and see if she is also beautiful on the inside. I will tell him that he should take good   care of his woman so that he won’t be ashamed of her kwete kuzochiva vari kuchengetwa nevamwe (not covet women that other men look after). When he’s looking, I’d advise him to pray for a God-fearing wife…and never to expect miracles from a wife he would have met at clubs and pubs. I’d tell him that it’s not always about finding Mrs Right but the question is if he is the right guy. And he should get to know the girl’s family first because in our tradition, you don’t marry one person but the whole clan. And look at how well the mother has aged so that he can picture her 40 years down the line ha-ha *tongue out*. Not forgetting one important aspect, he should find someone with at least a basic level of education; even form 4 to begin with. An illiterate wife can be too costly and a constant source of embarrassment, which will tempt him into extra marital affairs with educated ones. And no matter the circumstances, he should never raise his hand to a woman, NEVER! We should be good examples as parents because no matter how much we talk, if we do the opposite they are bound to copy that, especially the fathers. They should be positive role models to their boys. And moms, be an example of an ideal wife of course because when boys search for a wife, they look for a woman who resembles their mothers as much as possible in most cases.

CHIDO: My son, here is what I’ve learnt about marriage. Marriage is about friendship. Your spouse is your go-to person. You do not go behind her back or go over her, you go with her. Marriage is about trust and every day you are building that trust. One day you will need to withdraw from this trust bank, so deposit as much trust as you can in your spouse. Lastly marriage is about forgiveness. Marriage is made up of two great forgivers.

CHIEDZA: I would advise my son to not let anyone come between him and his wife and to treat his wife as his best friend – no secrets. Be very open about anything no matter how bad it is. He has to share his happiness and sadness with his wife and she should come first. Children are an added blessing to the marriage, but wife comes first because he came to know wife first before the kids.  Plan everything together with her and not make decisions alone. He has to consult her in everything.

TSITSI: Marriage is a lifetime commitment thus you need to settle with someone you really love. Take time to know your partner so that you will not discover some traits you don’t like when married. If there are things you don’t like, it’s best solved before marriage. Be faithful and honest. Everything should be transparent. Most marriages are failing because people are not faithful and honest. If there are any traits you don’t like in your partner be open and say it. Never pretend because eventually this might affect your marriage. Always respect your partner. Marriage is a mixed bag of everything thus you need someone who you will respect and love even in difficult situations.

GREATMAN: I would advise him to perceive marriage as a lifetime commitment that requires special attention from both parties, an arrangement where one gets what they give. Really would love him to perceive marriage as a process not an event. To get the best out of your partner, view them as a partner and friend instead of object to be bossed around. Most importantly, I would advise him to learn to be humble and apologise in case of a mistake and never tell a lie.

NGONI: I would tell him that I raised him to be able to treat people well, particularly women. Since marriage is meant for life he must take his time to choose a life partner and not bow to social pressure. There will be challenges in marriage and he must face them head on. He should not involve people in his affairs unless necessary. Treat his partner as the other half meant to complete him. Involve her in decision making but must also be firm as the head of the house (not be put under petticoat government). He should remember to make a balance between the two families in terms of social and financial support. Above all, treat your wife as you would want your daughter or sister to be treated by a man.

ERNEST: I will advise him on being content with his wife and always pray to God to protect their marriage, to love, forgive, be happy and have lots of sex. I will give him Psalm 91. It’s the verse we were given by our late friend who was a priest.

VITALIS: I suggest your article could be in two parts, courtship and staying together in marriage (!!!Vitalis was my O' Level English teacher y'all hehe). During courtship

1. Pray hard. It needs holy guidance.
2. Befriend first to see habits.
3. Go check how they live.
4. Should be a Christian.

Plus, my son, look for someone who’s loving, who is beautiful in your eyes. Find a people’s person who will love your relatives or else you will be isolated in the family. She should be well-behaved. She needs to be smart and a good cook. If it’s about marriage, you need to have cardinal principles to guide you: transparency, honesty, accountability etc. the truth is most good men are led astray by women and vice versa.

CEBI: My take would be to find out if he knows what marriage is. Knowing that marriage is a commitment not a feeling will make the union a happy one. Feelings change, so marriage should not be built on them. When you disagree on something you may feel unhappy but that doesn’t mean you’re not committed to each other. Beyond being a commitment, marriage is a covenant between two people. Proverbs 3:19-20… it takes wisdom, knowledge and understanding to build a marriage.

REJOICE: I would advise him to pray for his marriage, respect his wife, not to keep secrets, not to cheat, love his wife’s relatives. Stand by his wife always. He should communicate and to have fun.

PAIDA: Know her HIV status. Investigate sexual history; know her relatives, religious background. Level of education should not be the foundation of your marriage. Your choice should not be influenced by what you see on social media.

SEKURU MILTON: Ngaatsvage musikana ane chimiro chaanofarira kuti asazobhoekane naye mangwana. Azive kuti anogona kumuwana ari or asiri mhandara (kana amuda asiri mhandara ngaabve agutsikana naye asazozvidya mwoyo  nazvo till amen). Mukadzi haasi wekudzvanyirira pazvose. Asamhanyire bonde naye vasati vaitwa HIV test. Changamukawo kutsvaga nzira dzekufadza mukadzi wako pabonde. Ukapusa unotorerwa netwakachangamuka. Musikana ngaavewo mudiki ne4 years or more please. (He should find a girl with a physique that pleases him to avoid future frustration. He should know that she will probably not be a virgin, and if he loves her regardless of that fact, he should forever hold his peace till amen. Women are not to be oppressed all the time. He shouldn’t rush into sex before getting tested for HIV. Be sure to satisfy your wife in bed because someone might snap her away from you. The girl should be younger than him by 4 years or more.)

ANGELINE:  I’d advise my son to be an honest, loving and faithful man. To appreciate and treasure his wife, to be her best friend and stand by her no matter what, to respect and protect her and their kids whole-heartedly.

FARAI: when he’s old enough, I’ll tell him that marriage will be one relationship where he doesn’t have to win every fight, compromise is the name of the game.

NYARADZO: I will tell my son to love his wife but still asambunyikidzwe nemukadzi (he should not be oppressed by the wife) because at times madzimai tinotonga (women are control freaks). All I want is to see my son happy saka ndikaona asina mufaro or kana kandiudza kuti ari kutongwa ndinotopindira munyaya dzavo chete (if I see him miserable or if he tells me he’s being oppressed, I’ll definitely be involved in their affairs).

ERICA: conflicts are inevitable in every marriage. You will be married to a person, and every person is unique. In marriage learn to resolve conflicts and to work in harmony not fight over petty things. Marriage is a team of two, from a Christian perspective, to process life together for the Glory of God. Respect your spouse’s ideas even when you disagree with them.

OTTILIA: Follow your heart, your instinct. Marriage is successful if you are equal partners giving as much as you receive, and willingness to compromise. There is no head or tail in that sense. Knowing that the head would be useless on its own allows you to appreciate the importance of the tail (this is in a metaphorical sense.)

MHONDA: the wedding ring is the smallest but toughest handcuff ever made. Think twice before you decide to lock yourself in. Don’t get into marriage so that you can fall in love.

KUDA: I guess I would tell him to follow his heart and seek a friend, companion first before all glitz and glamour. The lady should be your best friend.

CLARA: Go for HIV testing and stick to the one you have chosen.

DORCAS: to put it simply – be a good husband and find someone who values him and values family.

MYSELF:  Your marriage is not likely to survive or at least be happy if you’re not friends. Friends might butt heads a few times, but they look out for each other, they like spending time together, they don’t do things that they know would hurt the other.  Be the reason why your wife would want to go around telling people that marriage is a blessing. Don’t be the reason why she goes on her knees every day with tears in her eyes and says to God, “You say you neither sleep nor slumber, where were you when I married this person?” Your presence in her life should add value, not take away anything from it. Marriage is about companionship and loyalty. It’s not about the woman worshiping the ground that the man walks on while he doesn’t make an effort to make her happy – to every king there must be a queen. It’s not about flowers that wither, clothes, or a car that she could very well buy for herself. Yes the material things count too, to augment the love you have for her, but they should never replace it. They’re not the most important; otherwise you’ll just be the cash cow while she continues to look around for other things that she’s not getting in the marriage. Do as you would be done by – if you don’t like to be cheated on, don’t cheat, if you like to be respected, show some respect, if you want transparency, be transparent, if you like being shady in the relationship, accept it when she does it too.  You’re getting married because you chose this woman. Don’t allow anyone, not me, not your father, or your sisters to influence how you relate to her. If she’s nasty, you’ll see it. Don’t let someone else be your eyes. A family that prays together stays together. It’s a tried and tested concept.

Related Post Marrying Wisely

Marrying wisely

Almost on a daily basis, there are reports in Swazi papers regarding vicious crimes of passion. Mostly it’s the men stabbing the women they have been in relationships with for a long time. It is hard to believe that all these things are happening to people who once lost sleep over each other, wanting to be together, but eventually got to a point where one loses sleep and sanity fearing for her life while the other loses sleep cogitating how to make the woman pay for whatever offences he thinks she committed.

I just keep wondering where people go wrong when choosing people to get married to or share their lives with. Do some carry out some form of assessment of they just fall into it without much consideration, like I did? I never got much counselling from anyone, except a nun, believe it or not. 
Knowing what I know now, I would say marrying wisely can happen, but there are a lot of factors that make it almost impossible, especially in the society I come from. People, especially women, are usually bullied into marriages they are not ready for. When you reach a certain age, people won’t just get off your back. They keep bugging you about when you are going to get married. People aren’t concerned about your happiness, they just want you to get married because “everyone should get married.” When the marriage begins collapsing they force you to hold on “for the children’s sake”, tell you that divorce is a sin, all marriages are like that.

Because of all these societal prescriptions, many people are trapped and frustrated, which has seen a rise in crimes of passion, HIV infection as people stray from partners they don’t love anymore but feel compelled to stay with, and suicides. There are people who would rather die than face another day in the presence of someone they picked for themselves, all because they probably did not put much thought into one of the biggest steps of their lives. That sucks. Premarital counselling would really help prepare young people for marriage, but the problem with our patriarchal society is that all attention is on the girl to go out there and make her husband happy, while men get little or no guidance to make marriages work.  They just go thru life thinking women are supposed to serve them while they cheat, drink and shout at their wives like strong African men and everything is honky dory. A man is deemed to be successful if he is gainfully employed and can provide materially for his family, while for a woman it means acquiring a husband who can look after her, and holding on to him like her life depends on it. it doesn’t matter if she has acquired six degrees, if she doesn’t have a man by her side to take home to mama, society would want to judge her harshly and say, “But…”

For me marrying wisely would involve marrying someone you can call a friend. Ask questions about his vision in life, what are his aspirations, where does he stand in his spiritual life? What might look like small things usually become really big mountains that can send your marriage toppling over later in life. Look out for how that person treats you in private and especially in public spaces. Be with someone who never makes you feel small. An ambitious person is a good catch because there’s nothing appealing about stagnating in life. Some people, however, are so ambitious that they will trample on everyone’s head and dreams, including yours, just so they can go up the ladder. They will even kick you down to the bottom so that you never catch them and they are the only ones on top of the pyramid. Look out for the signs. Then there are the unaspiring ones who will want to pull you to the bottom of the ladder so that you can’t upstage them. They want you to flush your aspirations down the gutter then you can vegetate together. You need all your wits around you when you choose a marriage partner.

I asked my friends what they thought marrying wisely involved and got very interesting responses. Evidently people have varying opinions on what marrying wisely entails, and that must be the reason why most marriages end up drowning. Spouses’ expectations of each other might not correspond; the man might feel marrying wisely means having a woman who knows I’m boss, stays at home to support my career and waits on me hand and foot, while the wife might feel marrying wisely involves having a husband who supports her as she climb the corporate ladder, a man who doesn’t act like a puppet master. If the two don’t find common ground, before long they end up butting heads. Read on…

The Cynical

Edith** – You are asking the wrong person, Hun. I thought I married wisely – twice around – look at me now. I also need to know maybe then I can get it right in my next life lol. I learnt nothing from my marriages other than that appearances can be deceiving.

Cecilia** - There's no such thing as marrying wisely. Being wise is avoiding it altogether.

Susan – Wisely doesn’t work, it’s just luck. The wise thing is not to marry. Be with someone when you have means to take care of yourself and that someone can take care of himself too. Someone who can live and let live, with a sense of humour, shares some of your passions. Preferably if you have been together for some time so you know him better.  But the wisest thing is financial independence. On its own it can’t make one happy, but it gives a lot of leverage and options.

Vision – One can never marry wisely. It’s just God’s grace we pray for to land the right partner, and lots of hard work to make a relationship sustain. Marrying wisely is marrying my wife! It’s more luck than strategy really. 

Dorcas – Haha I don’t think there’s any such thing because we all constantly change over time. I think it’s God’s case.

Tsitsi – Marrying wisely??? That’s God’s case.

Samuel – Wow, is there anything like that? I know that hindsight knowledge teaches you otherwise or qualifies people to say you married wisely.

Fortunate – Marriage is about an individual, how much you are willing to sacrifice to make it work. There is nothing like marrying wisely.

Cleo** – I feel marrying wisely doesn’t exist. I have seen the worst of marriages. Many people change after marriage. Cheating seems to be the norm nowadays. People can’t just be trusted.

Hazel – I think marrying a kind, forgiving and God-fearing person is wise. Unfortunately even if you think you are choosing your partner wisely and make what everyone would say is a good choice, you can never be sure, because these people (men) can change on you. Rinonyenga rinohwarara, isn’t it? On Christian programs I have heard lots of stories of women who married guys who seemed like good Godly men who then transformed into devils after the wedding or some years into the marriage. So I think in the end it is a combination of choosing as wisely as you can, prayer and luck.

The philosophers

Chiz – I guess people need to date long enough to have a good understanding of each other before marriage. Things like religion, likes, and dislikes, the other   person’s temperament in general are very crucial.  People should be able to move away if they find any faults while dating rather than compromising and hoping they will change after marriage. I didn’t consider all that when I got married, but was fortunate enough to find the right one. In other words, if I knew then what I know now, I would have considered those things and would still have married my wife.

Daniel – marrying wisely is getting someone who is intellectually compatible with you, whereby you can have a discussion or argument but still understand each other. This, however, should be sealed with love otherwise it will be a disaster. A wise loving partner should know what to say, when to say it and how to say it.

Farie – I think marrying someone whom you can gain something positive from, someone who will build you up, inspire and strengthen you is wise. You should avoid someone with a lot of negativity which will eventually bring you down. In other words, get to know the person’s vision. A man or woman without a vision will just live a life without purpose and I likely to go round in circles. Unfortunately I didn’t think of all that before I got married kkkk.

Chido – I was never a material person. I think marrying wisely, the first thing are you in love with that person, compatibility do you feel good around that person or you have to do everything to please them. Can you be angry at them when they make you cross or you just smile? Do you enjoy same hobbies or you just go and watch soccer on telly to please them. I think if you marry a person who ticks on all those above you have done wisely.

Nondumiso – I think marrying wisely is marrying someone you have known for a while before falling in love with – you share the same interests and ideals.

Greatman – marrying wisely is marrying someone you love, understand their life vision, and accept their weaknesses, marrying someone who has desire and economic potential to achieve. Above all, it means marrying someone who understands God.

Vitalis – if I had to tell my child about marrying wisely I’d ask, does your chick love you? Are you in love, are you friends? What makes you think she loves you? Why do you love her? It is a whole lot of defining what love is or is not! What is your future together like? I would ask, “If we removed the beauty and material things, would you still love her?”

The spiritual

 “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain.” Psalm 127:1

Sihle – I think marrying wisely largely looks at one’s beliefs. Have they received Christ? If they have and are walking with Christ and they have a desire to try and live by the word of God, the biggest challenge has been covered. How do they conduct their life? If their dealings and how they conduct their day to day shows their Christian beliefs, then chances are your marriage will be ok because they can exercise restraint. Respect for parents? Yes there are parents who are bad news but I believe that even if they are witches, the fact that they did not devour you should make you respect them for who they are.  If he doesn’t look after his parents, don’t think he would think yours need to be helped. If we go to the word of God, we are required to honour our parents and there are no set conditions. I think attraction also has its place. You don’t want to wake up 20 years later and think, what the hell did I do? I am not really concerned about his financial status because I know that God is in the business of blessing people. God can bless you even if you are uneducated. Not saying that education should not be considered, but just saying even without it, God can still raise one up. So the person should hard working and not lazy.

Peace – Biblically Proverbs 31, a respectable person is a total package. Respectability then can be unpacked based on cultural, social, spiritual, economic standing.

Anesu – I think marrying wisely entails understanding biblical marriage; look to God to give you the right mate, know what you are looking for, be sure you really know each other, and take all the time you need to choose the right one.

The clued-up

Rejoice – Marrying someone with a good heart, who is organized, with potential to improve himself. Don’t just fall into relationships with men who abuse you, lie to you, cheat on you and are stingy even when you are still dating thinking they will change after marriage. You should do quick screening. Most people put money first, but without love, it comes at a price. Don’t settle for a garden boy, you need to be sure there is growth potential here.

Ngoni – It is marrying someone with potential and you are comfortable with.

Moreblessing – Well, I believe when one makes the decision it has to be after weighing many things – love, level of companionship, financial stability/potential for growth, does the person fit in your vision? You don’t just marry blindly.

Fortunate – Marrying wisely means marrying someone who is financially stable. Most of the problems start where money is short.  And of course, marrying someone you love. Most difficult situations are neutralized because you love someone. So for me love is very important, but financially we just need to be stable.

Senelisiwe – Marrying wisely to me means landing a husband who will ensure that you are financially secure for life…who even after divorce will leave you richer than he found you. It’s finding a man who makes more money than you can spend…that’s wisdom kkkk. It has always been said that money cannot buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Hummer than on a bicycle. I’m sure the ideal answer is that wisdom is marrying a guy who genuinely loves you unconditionally and respects you. Call me materialistic, but I still stick to my view.

Mary – I think marrying wisely entails getting what you set out as what set out as what you wanted to start with, and more. I like to be a kept woman, I know all feminists are going to make some noise, but that’s what I like. I wouldn’t mind to be Grace Mugabe. Arguments will always be there in marriage, however, I would like to be able to console myself by using his credit card instead of going to the corner shop and getting a kitkat. I love being loved. I tend to reciprocate what I get. A good marriage for me would have children.

The matter-of-fact

Jasper – marrying wisely means knowing the behaviour and morals of your partner before committing to each other. It means knowing of his or her past, plans in life, and the kind of people he or she associates with.

Rumbi – know what you want, and learn from success and failure. Some people don’t know what they want.

Tatenda – I think you need to be compatible religion wise, be friends, be compatible vision wise and age wise.

Fay – marrying someone you know and who you have a base of friendship with.

Uncle Ben – you don’t marry wisely when you are already married.  It is about taking time to know one another before you engage into marriage gear, because once you get into it, it is difficult to get out.

Faith – marriage depends on the person you are dating. Some decisions taken are not wise at all. Most people just get married for the sake of it, but being married to someone who respects and adores you is a wise way to go.

** names changed