Filth never looked so good!

Let me give you the low down on acrylic nails. Don’t be fooled by these beauties. They look good enough to eat, but they must rank among the worst habitats for germs. They are quite inconvenient too! You can hardly perform even the simplest chores with these nails. I’ve had people get really frustrated with me at till points as I try to pick a coin from the shelf. It’s a real chore! I also used to struggle with typing on my touchscreen phone until I saw another woman with her own set of bright-coloured artificial nails using her knuckles. Brilliant!

I don’t think acrylic nails are meant for people like myself – people who do their own household errands like change diapers, apply bum cream, apply floor polish, do laundry by hand, bake scones (an absolute nightmare!). Things get inside the fake nails and you’re always digging them out. It’s real hard labour.

I visited my parents during the festive season and there was no electricity. I  had just got my nails done in order to look good at Christmas. We had to cook outside on the fire. The nails were not happy, neither was I. They started breaking and discoloured. I ended up regretting getting them done because I don’t know how to remove them at home. I would have had to go to a salon to get that done. Needless to say, I won’t be getting them done anytime soon. They are a lovely beauty accessory, but they are just not meant for me. Maybe they are for the likes of Beyoncé, Rihanna, and Oprah Winfrey who don’t necessarily need to lift a finger to perform manual labour around the home. If I have to attend an important function, I might have them done but would need to have them removed shortly afterwards to avoid inconvenience. That, however, would not make sense because I pay about R150 to get them done, and I sit for not less than one-ahd-half hours while I'm at it. All that only to go back again to pay to have them removed? What a waste of money in these times of drought and many people are starving. 

Why most married women are reluctant to report rape

Pic by Mishy Mudekunye

As I was writing an opinion piece on rape (Read it here), I was curious to find out women’s preparedness to disclose rape to their partners, particularly if they were married. It was disturbing to note that not many are keen to report rape either to their husbands or to the police. It scares me to think how many rapists are walking scot-free because of this reluctance to report. I kind of understand where these women are coming from, even though I wish to change that mindset. I also spoke to three gents, who I must say, were incredibly sweet in their approach, but things are easier said than done. When you’re not in a situation, you think and react differently than when you are in it.

All rape should be reported, regardless of the aftermaths. Rapists belong in jail, not on our streets. If a woman doesn’t report rape, she exposes another to the same violation. Let’s speak out ladies (and gents! Increasingly men are getting raped too and choose silence for their own sets of reasons).

This is the question I asked them: If you got raped, would you tell your husband and report to the police?

Za – Yes and no…it all depends on how the rape occurred. Normally I don’t think I’d have a problem with reporting to the police, whichever way it happened, but with a spouse it can be tricky because I will risk being made the author of my ordeal. For example, I might be raped by a boss whom I was close to, maybe to my husband’s disapproval. In that case it’s difficult to tell him. As a person who deals with offenders on a daily basis, with some being perpetrators of sexual offences, I have come to understand that rape occurs under different circumstances. The easiest to report is when a minor is sexually abused by an older person. Then there are instances where one is raped by robbers or waylaid by strangers; that is also easy to report. But when it’s done by someone you know and trust, it’s difficult to report especially if married, because you risk being accused of lying and having had an affair. Husbands feel stripped when the whole community gets to know of the rape, and this in turn leads to the collapse of the marriage. In a case where one has an understanding and supportive husband, when the issue comes out, the man’s relatives tend to persecute the woman, you’ll be regarded as a prostitute when you are just an innocent victim.

Ngoni – Hmmm tricky stuff. As informed as I am, I think I would tell because I would need to seek treatment for prevention of HIV. If I didn’t inform him and he saw me taking the tablets, how would I explain it? I know it’s easier said than done because men are highly unpredictable. As for police, isn’t it automatic that they get involved before you get treatment?  If it isn’t the case, I don’t think I would report. It’s so humiliating and I’ve attended rape court cases. Hmmm you need to be a strong character to be in that dock? I felt sorry for the victims as they were torn apart in the presence of their husbands. Haaa even if he loves you, he won’t get an erection at home after witnessing that. I know a couple who were robbed here in South Africa and the woman was raped in the presence of the husband. Initially he was supportive, though he never touched her again and eventually they separated. So it’s like it was the woman’s fault.

Susan – I think telling him depends on what type of person he is, so to me it would be about knowing his character first. I know men that would blame and accuse the woman for going out to seek the rape. Instead of comforting and seeking the best possible way to assist her go through it, they’ll probably hit and rape you too as punishment. I think if it is someone with whom you have always had a good relationship, it might be possible, but I think I would keep it inside.

Leslie – Yes I would, without thinking twice. First port of call will be a hospital for ARVs. If you hide it, then it comes out like you consented. The risk of issues is higher if you hide it. I know a lot of people would prefer not to say anything, but what if the same rapist comes back for you or goes after your daughter or relative? How would you feel then?

Sandra – many people don’t want to tell their hubby because they want to avoid future problems like divorce. Also, they might not report because they are afraid of the shame that rape brings to a woman. Not reporting might result in the woman suffering from depression. As for me, I would rather tell my husband and report to the police. It’s good for the husband to know, just in case you contracted HIV or any other STI, and can protect him.

Dulile – It leaves a lot of unanswered questions. No man wants to sleep with a woman who has been raped. The thought of knowing that someone was eating your cake is a complete turn-off, especially for men. Their tool is very sensitive.

Namatayi – I’d definitely inform the police.  I would not tell husband unless there was risk, i.e. if tests revealed an STI or worse. Men are unpredictable. He may torture me with that in the near future as if it was my fault to have been raped.

Rejoice – I would tell my husband, just in case I’d have contracted a disease, but not the police because they are not reliable. I’d, however, ask the husband to keep it to himself. But if the husband is not the caring type, I will not tell him.

Bubu – Eish, tough one. He needs to know but you would have to kiss him goodbye.

Kholiwe – Rape is very traumatic incident, so I believe I would tell him to help me deal with it.

Faith – Yes, I would tell hubby and report the case, but it depends on how caring your hubby is. If he’s good, he’ll help you pull yourself together during that time and make sure the rapist is behind bars. But if he’s uncaring, you would be in trouble. You’d probably just need to stay quiet and not report to the police.

Chinga – I would tell him and report to the police as well. If I don’t tell him, it would appear as if I’m hiding something, that I did something and then decided to call it rape.

Fortunate – It depends with the situation – how did you get raped, but for health purposes, you will tell hubby and report to the police for you to get prophylaxis drug.

Nyaradzo – yes I would tell my husband and make sure that the culprit goes behind. If you don’t report, the stress will kill you.

Sihle – Yes I would because that issue will eat you alive if you don’t talk about it.

For the men: How would you react if your wife told you she had been raped?

Ernest – I would want to know and would go for counseling on how to handle the situation so that my love for her would not change. A cheating wife, if raped, would not report.

Tavonga – I would shoot the mother@$% that did it! It’s hard. The thing she would need from me more than anything is support and understanding because she will not be the same person emotionally and mentally. I would not reject her because a person doesn’t choose to be raped.

Greatman – that’s a tough one, but I honestly wouldn’t want my wife to suffer the effects of such a tragic incident alone. If it is genuine rape, I really would love to support her. A man knows when his wife is lying or not. Besides, intimate details around the rape will give a clue as to what really happened. The culture you cultivate with your partner will, however, determine if she will be free to tell you or not. I believe it’s easier to deal with the pain associated with the truth than the pain associated with lies and secrets.

The wonder that is childbirth...

 My friend Zanele is in the maternity ward right now, waiting to be induced before she welcomes her second baby to the world. She is in Harare and I’m keeping her company from Manzini via whatsapp. Lucky fish! When I was waiting to be induced in 2006, there was no whatsapp. I was, however, fortunate to have my mother and husband sitting with me in the ward, waiting for my gynaecologist, Dr Nyaumwe to come.

The labour ward is a traumatic place to find oneself. Women were screaming their heads off and it really scared the living daylights out of me. I wondered if I would also scream in the same way or if I would be braver when my turn came. My mother, while sitting next to my husband, made the grave mistake of telling one of the screamers to be brave. In very colourful language, the woman told mum how sex was beautiful yet its rewards were painful. That was a very awkward moment.

Zanele has been giving me blow by blow accounts of what she’s witnessing in the ward:

The noise which is here from other women is so traumatising. God help me.

 Sha the people who are in labour now were induced in the morning. One has justdelivered amidst ear-deafening screams, the other has just been wheeled off to the delivery room. There’s one left and she’s performing like nobody’s business. 

It’s funny, people scream and wail but no tears come out. I got here while pain free so I’m taking in everything around me.

 There is one woman opening her legs so much that I don’t know where to look. I pray I don’t do that. I understand why some people opt for C-section now …to maintain dignity.

 A nurse has come to see the woman opening her legs and said, “iii vasikana, regai kushamisa shamisa zvinhu zvenyu” 

That woman who was opening her legs is now hitting everything she can lay her hands on and throwing herself on the floor, kicking things…the nurses are not amused 

When I went to deliver my son, I carried my bible with me and when the women were screaming their heads off, I read them bible verses that I thought would help them bear the pain better. I also offered to make tea for them and had to stop when one of them snapped at me and told me to mind my own business. What a meanie, I thought.  I had no idea what kind of pain it was because I had never been through it and the doctor hadn’t induced me yet. When it eventually came, I literally lost my mind. I actually don’t even remember anything that happened during the time that I was in pain, but I know I did not scream. So I was sharing this with Zanele and she said she also didn’t scream. Some people just aren’t screamers and choose to keep it gangsta, like me J.

At some point during the chat I started to feel very emotional, knowing that while I was watching Robbie Williams and The Lighthouse Family on VH1, someplace else there were people in agony giving birth to future ministers, teachers, musicians, prostitutes or thieves. Unfortunately you can never tell how your child will turn out when you give birth. All you can do is bath in the glory of having brought someone into the world. It took me back to the time when I was doing court-reporting in Joburg. Sometimes there would be this thug standing accused of incredibly atrocious crimes. The mother, who never missed any of his appearances, would be sitting in the gallery, teary-eyed and blowing kisses to her beloved son. Some mothers would bring cigarettes for their sons who committed gruesome murders so that they could use them to buy favours in jail and stay safe. It didn’t matter what they had done, they would still be someone’s precious baby. Zanele remarked how some mothers actually got angry at the offended for having their children arrested.

Motherhood is precious, but can also be heartbreaking. Everybody who gives birth to a loved baby has high hopes for it; visitors come and say prayers for the baby to have a blessed life. But in some cases, the babies will disappoint as they grow, whether by choice or inadvertently. Some do make their parents proud and make them cry for joy, like Chad Le Clos, Beyoncé and other less celebrated former babies that do well in life. And then there the opposites, but they won’t show their true colours at birth, so they allow you to rejoice too. At that priceless moment when you hold your fragile bundle of joy, flooded with tenderness, you never think you will have to deal with looking for bail money, or negotiate with aggrieved women whose husbands your daughter would have “snatched”, or the heartbreak of sitting in a doctor’s room and be told that your child is autistic L. At that moment when you hold a newborn baby, there’s no tomorrow, or day after tomorrow. You just live in the moment, praising the Lord for a wonderful gift that many yearn for and might never receive. You never imagine that one day you could be on your knees asking the Lord, “Why, Lord, oh why….?”

Spouses Should Never Stop Talking

Follow your own path

I have mentioned in an earlier post how women are in my culture are expected to just endure marriage if there’s no job to be obtained from it. I remember attending Mothers’ Union meetings with my mother at her church and women were being counseled on how to handle conflict in marriage. The pastor’s wife was disbursing advice that I thought was really bad. I unfortunately was too small a fish to say anything against it, lest I embarrassed my mother and risked getting her excommunicated.  The reverend’s wife said if there was a problem between the women and their husbands, they were supposed to go to the kitchen, drink some water and hold it in their mouths to avoid saying anything. “Men don’t like being challenged, and you can’t have two bulls in one kraal,” she said. She reminded women to remember to take a subservient role to their husbands to protect their marriages.

That little sermon disappointed me. Women don’t get married to make men happy. Marriage should be for mutual enjoyment, and you can’t be happy unless you are clear to each other about your likes and dislikes. If women don’t speak out, they will just have men treading on their toes and suffer in silence and that’s not how I want any woman to spend their lives. What if the men don’t even know that they have done wrong and continue disappointing their wives? How will they know if the wives are going to keep mouthfuls of water without speaking out? I doubt there’s any woman who wants to spend her life that way. There’s too much emphasis on women protecting the institution of marriage without protecting themselves. Why must women put so much value on something that makes them sad? And who says discussing something with your spouse is turning yourself into a bull?I just don’t get that logic. If men want to be the kings then they should know that for every king there’s a queen, and the queens are their wives who should be accorded the respect due to queens.

I think marriages fail because couples don’t talk to each other enough. People just play scenarios in their heads and make conclusions, usually the wrong ones instead of just sitting down with your other half and get the answers you want. Many people believe marriages fail because of nagging women. Nagging becomes nagging when the woman is talking and no one is listening or the man is unwilling to engage his wife. Contrary to popular belief, I’m of the opinion that leaving things unsaid doesn’t bring peace into the house. Instead creates rifts and causes strife.

I think couples should try to talk politely to each other. Of course, sometimes tempers will flare. Whether one addresses a problem respectfully or nicely depends on the nature and degree of offense. It is as ill-advised to yell as it is to keep quiet when something is bugging you. If you yell when angry, you end up looking like a fool. And if you also keep quiet when offended, I think you also look like a fool. For the sake of peace, I think people should cool down before addressing an inflammatory subject. What helps me is taking a walk or a jog, even with the offender, and then sitting down to talk. There has to be reciprocal willingness to iron out the problem, or else the offended party ends up getting really incensed and there won’t be peace in the house. I dream of a world in which couples talk to each other, regardless of circumstances, if not for themselves, then to set a good example for their children.

The day that a couple stops talking is the day their relationship starts dying a slow and painful death. When a couple stops talking to each other, then they start talking about each other in my little corner of the world my spouse, and when I told her, she thought I was strange. I don’t come to a serious discussion without my notebook. I clearly jot down the issues I would like to discuss. Then as my husband speaks, I will listen attentively and furiously jot down notes when necessary. This is so that I give him a chance to have his say without me interjecting and ruin the discussion. I think a lot of times people interject not because they are rude or impatient. They are afraid they will forget the point they would like to put across, but it ends up being viewed otherwise. And that is why I take notes of everything I would like to talk about when I get my chance to speak. Jotting down notes also ensures that everything that I want to say is said in one sitting. If I don’t say something and afterwards I think it’s of paramount importance, we would have to sit down again and talk, which I do not want to do. People take notes at board and school meetings because they feel those are important discussions. I also think matrimonial discussions are even more important than board meetings, which is why I take notes.

At the end of the day, I don’t think people should stick to prescriptions from kitchen parties, churches, aunts or books. You should just follow your own path until you find a formula that works. I think people should talk to each other and find what makes their partners tick and what ticks them off. What works for some doesn’t work for others, such is life. What works for me is talking. And of course, with a little help from the notebook.

Below are how some of my female friends said they dealt with their spouses if there was a problem, below that the men speak on how they want to be approached when they are in the wrong:

Woman 1:  I usually keep quiet because the moment I open my mouth I end up saying the wrong things. I will even insult his mother. Yes I mean it. I will insult his mother! Like the saying goes, silence is golden. It’s however not the best solution because I will hold a grudge.

Woman 2: I used to get so angry if he did something I was unhappy about and would immediately explode but that always led to fireworks. This was soon after we got married and now looking back I think we were all trying to stamp our authority. But now I guess as I grow older I handle things differently. If something happens that I’m not happy about instead of exploding,  I find it easier to remove myself and when I am calm I address the issue and say what I was not happy about. And have seen it’s more effective because then I am able to put across my point. It is also important to choose your battles. You realise some things aren’t that important. 

Woman 3: I do both depending on circumstances. There are times when keeping peace is possible but when I am pushed to the edge I scream at him and we fight and quickly get past the matter. 

Woman 4: if my hubby does something that makes me unhappy I tell him. I do this because I know bottling up hard feelings destroys relationships.  I normally like to wait for a time when we are both calm and relaxed. Bringing it up when you are both upset or one of you is upset leads to fights. 

The Notebook

Woman 5: I usually wait until I calm down then talk to him when I am calm. Otherwise every time we confront each other there and then we light an inferno. But keeping quiet, no, I will have to get answers. 

Woman 6: when I’m wronged I have learnt that confrontation does not work. Instead it makes things even worse. I try to control my temper and point out his mistake, expressing how I feel. What I never do is shout because once you do that no one will ever listen, even to the facts. Sometimes if I talk to him and realise it makes him angry, I park the issue for tomorrow. One mistake I did is I slapped him in front of his children, my sister and her husband 10 years ago but I’m not even sure if he forgave me. He expressed his embarrassment and even cried in front of me. So I think it is best to cool down rather than cause more harm.

Woman 7: when there’s a problem I sit down and think about everything around it quietly. By the time I finish, I would have an answer. I control the environment in my house. It’s all in the art of talking; you can discuss difficult things without shouting at each other.  If the problem is too big, I find an older and neutral person to mediate. Sometimes you need to act like a fool by just acting as if nothing has happened. Life is too short, let everyday be blissful and be each other’s best friend.

Man 1: There are issues you would want to wait until you’re ready to talk about it and things you want sorted and done with. But in most cases I don’t mind being asked in a manner that shows a bit of respect of course understanding her degree of anger. But all issues need to be talked about if I have to apologise then I do and sometimes I start the conversation before she even asks because I will have wronged her. 

Man 2: I want her to ask me about it. I would rather have the issue discussed and done away with, get the lessons if any and move ahead. I would also prefer she cools down first. And then tell me where and how I wronged her. If it happens that it’s a misunderstanding, I would then have a chance to explain what I meant. Either way, I would apologise for having hurt her. My main wish would be for the issue to be resolved and put to rest.

Man 3: I’d rather she asks me. It should be in an environment that we are alone and should be done with soberness. I would do the same for her. 

Man 4: I prefer her to ask and she should be very diplomatic when she does so, because if she’s not careful in the way she asks the situation can get worse. To be honest, though, it depends on the issue/offence. With certain offences I’m the one that runs to say, “Sorry, dear”, but with the others hahahaha! 

Man 5: I think it all depends on an individual. Personally I would wish she doesn’t speak about it even though I know it’s hard. Striking the iron while it’s hot sometimes has dire consequences. You might not get the truth. He might tell you what you want to hear, something that won’t hurt you, only for you to find later that if you had asked the other way the truth would have come out. Remember we know when we are guilty and if we want to save our marriages we would do anything, including lying, until things have cooled down.

Obviously I would want to defend myself whether guilty or not. It’s hard for us men to plead guilty, more so if it’s still fresh. So it’s best for my woman to be tactful. If she wants to deal with it sooner she should not try to make me feel like a child. I know I’m guilty so what I want to have at that moment is someone to be on my side. Don’t be angry when you confront me. Try to find out why I did that without being dramatic, maintain your coolness, make me regret doing it by being polite and understanding. That would really awaken my conscience. Do it respectfully. Even we modern men like women who make us feel like kings even when we are wrong. Treat me the way you treat your father. 

So there you have it! The few men that I spoke to said they didn’t mind being asked because they also want issues resolved. It boggles the mind why women keep encouraging each other to be quiet when offended. What intrigued me most about this discussion was how all the men wanted to be approached diplomatically after doing wrong. It’s a bit strange how men’s feelings should always take precedence even when they are in the wrong. I had to ask Man 4, “You want your wife to approach you diplomatically, but do you offend diplomatically?” I just had to ask, but I do agree that for a discussion to be fruitful, people need to be calm. It doesn’t feel good to have someone who offended you dictating how you should react, but I’d support anything that leads to people talking towards peace.

Peace and Love <3

My Long and Winding Road Getting Dolled Up

My first makeup lesson came from my late beloved uncle, Sekuru Aggrey, may his soul rest in peace. Someone had been kind enough to paint my nails and he took one horrified look at my fingers and said, “You painted your nails!” He asked me to sit down so that he could explain a few things to me. “Cutex (back then all nail polish was referred to as cutex) and lipstick are used as a statement to men. In Shona (my home language) they have the same name – Musandizeze. Loosely translated, Musandizeze means Oh please, don’t be hesitant, come hither, I’m easy! From that day onwards, I never viewed cutex and lipstick the same again, thanks uncle for ruining my life.

At this ripe age, it would be weird to a lot of people that I only just started wearing makeup. Part of it is because of innuendos I grew up hearing from those around me regarding the subject. No one ever really sat down with me to talk about makeup, except my uncle, and I think it’s an important conversation that girls ought to have with someone who’s knowledgeable on the politics of the subject.

In the township we lived in were a lot of prostitutes. We actually knew them. Rusape is a small town so everyone knew them and what they did. We weren’t allowed to mention their trading name, which in the vernacular is mahure, derived from whores, or pfambi, probably stemming from kufamba (walking). Therefore, pfambi would mean those who walk (the streets). We were only allowed to call them vanhu vekubhawa, Beer hall people.  So if my sisters and I wore something skimpy, or sat inappropriately with our legs open, instead of crossing them to cover up, my mother would say we were sitting like vanhu vekubhawa. I just knew the beer hall people but I didn’t quite know about the transactions that took place there. I just thought they went there to drink beer and dance, activities which I also began to associate with immorality.

We could identify the beer hall people from the way they dressed – bright nail polish, high heels, and pants. They wore bright lipstick on faces that were plastered with foundation incongruous to their skin tones and reeked of cheap perfume. That rendered credence to SekuruAggrey’s proclamation about lipstick and cutex.

As I grew up, I slowly realised that wearing pants had nothing to do with your morals. If anything, pants actually covered up more than skirts. The lipstick one must have stayed stuck to the back of my mind, because I only bought my very first lipstick in my early 30s, but all the lipsticks I got would always get lost or damaged without being used. My sister, Tadiwa, gave me a lip gloss in 2003. I still have it. 

On the day of my bridal shower, I rocked up at the venue with nothing but vanishing cream on my face. My cousins’ cousin,Tapiwa, whisked me to a spare bedroom to powder my face and zhoozhed it up with eyeliner, lipstick and I don’t remember what else. When I walked back to the lounge where a number of people were sitting, there were a few ooohs and aaahs at the remarkable transformation. Afterwards, my cousin’s sister-in-law, Joyce, remarked to my new husband how pretty I looked with makeup. He agreed I did look pretty and asked for the breakdown of the cost of keeping me looking that way. Upon receiving it, he immediately proclaimed, “I think she’s pretty with or without makeup,” his fist tightening. I stupidly believed him.

I did take care of my skin by occasionally cleansing, toning and moisturizing, but would never wear makeup after that. I concentrated more onfragrances because I liked to smell nice. Now I want to smell nice AND look nice.

One of the bags I made

For my wedding, my high school friend, Mudiwa, paid for my makeup, I hadn’t even made arrangements for that. If she hadn’t thought of it, my mother-in-law’s church choir which sang as I walked down the aisle would have had to singHere Comes Plain Jane. My ears only got pierced two weeks before the wedding after I had failed to find clip-on earrings and only kept coming across exquisite ones that required piercing. My sister got keloids after some backstreet piercing and I was scared of having them too. Since getting my ears pierced, I will never pass the earring section of any shop. And there’s always a pair that matches a clothing item or handbag at home.Speaking of handbags, I never carried any. I would just wear pants with as many pockets as possible to stuff everything I needed, and a bra to stuff my phone in. If I needed a bag, I’d carry one that I made for myself because a proper handbag would look bizarre with jeans, a t-shirt and sneakers. I wasn’t even trying to look Boho, I wasn’t following any trend, I was just being me. My mother would always buy handbags and ask me to carry them on the basis that it would make me look like a lady. Until now, I still struggle with handbags even though I do carry them around, and I still make my own bags sometimes.

I only started using makeup consistently after a good friend said I should wear some, not too much but enough to make me look like a girl and not one of the boys. It’s a miracle I managed to get so many dates in my heyday. Those guys, bless their souls, must have genuinely loved me for me to see past all that plainness. It also explains why I had so many male friends who treated me like one of them and always introduced me as their sister and I’d go, “Sister! Huh?” in my mind. It must have been an if-it-looks-like-a-boy-and-dresses-like-a-boy-then-it-should-be-treated-like-a-boy kind of thing. Maybe I didn’t feel the urge to wear makeup because I spent time with them thus had no inspiration. Or maybe I ended up hanging around them to avoid being around dolled up girls.Going to a Catholic girls boarding school where we were forced to keep short hair and where we spent time with nuns who we thought were super cool might also have thrown a spanner into the makeup works. My graduation pictures at the University of Zimbabwe have me unadorned as usual, with just horrible lines drawn by a cheap eyebrow pencil on untrimmed eyebrows.

When I become pregnant with my daughter, I had this sudden compulsion to wear makeup but had no idea where to start. A friend recommended Avon products but I couldn’t find anyone selling them in my area and decided to be an Avon Representative too. Having so many cosmetics around me was an overwhelming experience. I got a lot of freebies and sold a lot of the stuff – to myselfJ. I had so much fun I was like a pig in shit.

I had always believed what pastors at church say about beauty – that the external type was useless while beauty of the heart was what should be celebrated and what we should all work towards. I remember one day in primary school when a teacher calledMrMapani, may his soul rest in peace, came to assembly with two cups. One was smeared with mud on the outside while the other was clean. He then asked which of the cups we would pick for ourselves. We all pointed at the clean one. He then tipped the cups over to show the inside. The one that was clean on the outside had mud inside while the one that had mud outside was squeaky clean. “So you see it’s not the beauty that we see with our eyes that’s important. We should strive for beauty of the heart,” he preached.

Now that I’m older and wiser, I realise that’s not exactly true. Yes, it’s good to be a morally outstanding citizen, but there’s also nothing wrong with enhancing you physical appearance. Looking good gets you places, at least most of the time. If you are a woman and would like to make it in life, you have to push harder to look beautiful inside and out. More often than not, if you push too hard you might end up without the internal beauty but nobody is really looking at that half the time. Society does judge a book by its cover. There’s a certain way people view you when you look good, you are more favourable and look clued up. I realise, however, that getting dolled up is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me. I do try to look presentable, but I’ve never been an image-driven kind of person, the one that stops traffic. I kind of just blend in with the walls most of the time. And that’s fine, I guess. We were not all born to stand out. But I have finally caught on; I know makeup makes people look good, it makes me look and feel good. My friend Namatayi said it right when she said, “It has been proven from a tender age that the more beautiful kids tend to get the most attention and affection, even becoming the teacher’s favourite compared to the rather plain child.”

I want to be as good a human being as I can be, so I will keep striving for internal beauty and I will also keep working on the external type.I will doll myself up sometimes if I have to because I’ve seen how it makes me feel good and boosts my confidence. My uncle was wrong, lipstick and nail polish aren’t for beer hall people, but I will not be a slave to appearances. I will not be ashamed of walking around the mall without makeup. I was created in God’s image and I think He didn’t really do a bad job!

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"

I follow South African soapies Isidingo, Muvhango and 7de laan. Lately, all three have been running subplots around cheating husbands. I like these soapies for the genius scriptwriting and relevance to everyday life. The cuckolded women’s flaws are accentuated so much that it becomes natural to feel sorry for the poor husband, victim of his neglectful and haughty wife who drives him to have unwanted sex with other women. It’s the same in real life. Men are pushed to cheat against their will, it’s the last thing they want to do, they actually go to other women kicking and screaming, right? It reminds me of George Orwell’s Animal Farm where the pigs tailored a privileged life for themselves and ate all the good food while sitting on their butts and the other animals worked themselves to the bone. They changed the rule “All animals are equal” to “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”.   Did I just say cheating men remind me of pigs, hahaha, that came out completely wrong!

Problems happen in the home and I think the solution is to sit down and talk, not take the cowardly route of running away from them.  There are counselors available, and if people are determined to solve their problems, they will. Men cheat because they want to cheat, period. Society allows them to, it normalizes cheating in men but if a woman do the same, nail her on the cross.

Men will come up with all manner of excuses for cheating and the blame is usually laid squarely at the wife’s feet. Even when there aren’t problems at home to blame the cheating on, they will look for them until they find them. If they don’t find them, they will create them. If women had to adopt a similar approach, heading for the hills because their husbands have problems, there would be no woman in any home because men also have serious flaws. I think men cheat because their egos are perforated by their inadequacies and instead of finding a way of managing that, they just go and hide their heads in other women’s panties.

When a married couple fails to conceive, it’s socially acceptable in our African culture for the man to go and find another woman to have a child with, even though he doesn’t divorce his wife. People say, “He can’t just die without a child of his own”. But if it’s the man who is impotent, no-one expects the wife to find a man who can give her a child. They encourage her to accept the situation and stand by her man. She is encouraged to remember her vows.  You said you would love him, comfort him and keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, be true to him as long as you both shall live. We were there when you declared you would have and hold him for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer to love and to cherish till death do you part.  Wedding vows have a knack to spring on people’s minds only where women are concerned. Men can piss on those vows and it’s perfectly fine! Even when a man cheats and the woman wants to leave, she is reminded of the day she said only death would separate them.  No-one asks the men to remember the time that he said he would forsake all others.

We are always told how men can’t help cheating, that it’s in their DNA. Then we are also told the man is the head of the house who womenfolk should submit to. Is this the same man who can’t control himself and is now supposed to be the head that leads the whole family? Where to, a ditch?  I don’t want to subscribe to that school of thought that says men are dogs that can’t control themselves because I’m aware that there are a few very good ones out there. So I will hold the conviction that they can control themselves, but make their own choices.

I think men who cheat on their wives don’t love them, simple as that. You don’t deliberately hurt someone you love. I think these men have a low self-esteem, maybe they feel like losers among other men and want to compensate by amassing women to feel better about themselves. It’s never usually about the wife’s shortfalls. It’s more about the man feeling sorry for himself and thinking he will get an ego boost from sleeping around or just having a sense of entitlement and thinking he owes it to himself to continue sleeping around even though his wife isn’t allowed to do so.

My friend cheated on his wife and was asking me how to make amends. I told him I wouldn’t know how to make that right because it cannot be undone. The best way to handle cheating in marriage is simply not even start, because once you do, you’ve bitten more than you can chew. When you bring a third person into the mix, you might as well say hello to a fourth one which your partner will also bring to the party. When a man leaves his wife at home and starts chasing after other skirts out there, he creates a void, one that another man will happily come and fill because there are always men lurking in the shadows, waiting to comfort broken-hearted wives. Once a man cheats, he’s making the statement that “You are undesirable, you are not enough for me, I have found better”, to his wife. In the event that another man makes a pass at the spurned woman, she’s naturally quite flattered to get some appreciation, which she’s not getting from her husband because he’s busy giving it to other women. Affected women might then cheat to heal their broken hearts and to seek validation elsewhere, get a second opinion on their desirability, so to speak. Then society will descend on that woman like a tonne of bricks.