Spouses Should Never Stop Talking

Follow your own path

I have mentioned in an earlier post how women are in my culture are expected to just endure marriage if there’s no job to be obtained from it. I remember attending Mothers’ Union meetings with my mother at her church and women were being counseled on how to handle conflict in marriage. The pastor’s wife was disbursing advice that I thought was really bad. I unfortunately was too small a fish to say anything against it, lest I embarrassed my mother and risked getting her excommunicated.  The reverend’s wife said if there was a problem between the women and their husbands, they were supposed to go to the kitchen, drink some water and hold it in their mouths to avoid saying anything. “Men don’t like being challenged, and you can’t have two bulls in one kraal,” she said. She reminded women to remember to take a subservient role to their husbands to protect their marriages.

That little sermon disappointed me. Women don’t get married to make men happy. Marriage should be for mutual enjoyment, and you can’t be happy unless you are clear to each other about your likes and dislikes. If women don’t speak out, they will just have men treading on their toes and suffer in silence and that’s not how I want any woman to spend their lives. What if the men don’t even know that they have done wrong and continue disappointing their wives? How will they know if the wives are going to keep mouthfuls of water without speaking out? I doubt there’s any woman who wants to spend her life that way. There’s too much emphasis on women protecting the institution of marriage without protecting themselves. Why must women put so much value on something that makes them sad? And who says discussing something with your spouse is turning yourself into a bull?I just don’t get that logic. If men want to be the kings then they should know that for every king there’s a queen, and the queens are their wives who should be accorded the respect due to queens.

I think marriages fail because couples don’t talk to each other enough. People just play scenarios in their heads and make conclusions, usually the wrong ones instead of just sitting down with your other half and get the answers you want. Many people believe marriages fail because of nagging women. Nagging becomes nagging when the woman is talking and no one is listening or the man is unwilling to engage his wife. Contrary to popular belief, I’m of the opinion that leaving things unsaid doesn’t bring peace into the house. Instead creates rifts and causes strife.

I think couples should try to talk politely to each other. Of course, sometimes tempers will flare. Whether one addresses a problem respectfully or nicely depends on the nature and degree of offense. It is as ill-advised to yell as it is to keep quiet when something is bugging you. If you yell when angry, you end up looking like a fool. And if you also keep quiet when offended, I think you also look like a fool. For the sake of peace, I think people should cool down before addressing an inflammatory subject. What helps me is taking a walk or a jog, even with the offender, and then sitting down to talk. There has to be reciprocal willingness to iron out the problem, or else the offended party ends up getting really incensed and there won’t be peace in the house. I dream of a world in which couples talk to each other, regardless of circumstances, if not for themselves, then to set a good example for their children.

The day that a couple stops talking is the day their relationship starts dying a slow and painful death. When a couple stops talking to each other, then they start talking about each other in my little corner of the world my spouse, and when I told her, she thought I was strange. I don’t come to a serious discussion without my notebook. I clearly jot down the issues I would like to discuss. Then as my husband speaks, I will listen attentively and furiously jot down notes when necessary. This is so that I give him a chance to have his say without me interjecting and ruin the discussion. I think a lot of times people interject not because they are rude or impatient. They are afraid they will forget the point they would like to put across, but it ends up being viewed otherwise. And that is why I take notes of everything I would like to talk about when I get my chance to speak. Jotting down notes also ensures that everything that I want to say is said in one sitting. If I don’t say something and afterwards I think it’s of paramount importance, we would have to sit down again and talk, which I do not want to do. People take notes at board and school meetings because they feel those are important discussions. I also think matrimonial discussions are even more important than board meetings, which is why I take notes.

At the end of the day, I don’t think people should stick to prescriptions from kitchen parties, churches, aunts or books. You should just follow your own path until you find a formula that works. I think people should talk to each other and find what makes their partners tick and what ticks them off. What works for some doesn’t work for others, such is life. What works for me is talking. And of course, with a little help from the notebook.

Below are how some of my female friends said they dealt with their spouses if there was a problem, below that the men speak on how they want to be approached when they are in the wrong:

Woman 1:  I usually keep quiet because the moment I open my mouth I end up saying the wrong things. I will even insult his mother. Yes I mean it. I will insult his mother! Like the saying goes, silence is golden. It’s however not the best solution because I will hold a grudge.

Woman 2: I used to get so angry if he did something I was unhappy about and would immediately explode but that always led to fireworks. This was soon after we got married and now looking back I think we were all trying to stamp our authority. But now I guess as I grow older I handle things differently. If something happens that I’m not happy about instead of exploding,  I find it easier to remove myself and when I am calm I address the issue and say what I was not happy about. And have seen it’s more effective because then I am able to put across my point. It is also important to choose your battles. You realise some things aren’t that important. 

Woman 3: I do both depending on circumstances. There are times when keeping peace is possible but when I am pushed to the edge I scream at him and we fight and quickly get past the matter. 

Woman 4: if my hubby does something that makes me unhappy I tell him. I do this because I know bottling up hard feelings destroys relationships.  I normally like to wait for a time when we are both calm and relaxed. Bringing it up when you are both upset or one of you is upset leads to fights. 

The Notebook

Woman 5: I usually wait until I calm down then talk to him when I am calm. Otherwise every time we confront each other there and then we light an inferno. But keeping quiet, no, I will have to get answers. 

Woman 6: when I’m wronged I have learnt that confrontation does not work. Instead it makes things even worse. I try to control my temper and point out his mistake, expressing how I feel. What I never do is shout because once you do that no one will ever listen, even to the facts. Sometimes if I talk to him and realise it makes him angry, I park the issue for tomorrow. One mistake I did is I slapped him in front of his children, my sister and her husband 10 years ago but I’m not even sure if he forgave me. He expressed his embarrassment and even cried in front of me. So I think it is best to cool down rather than cause more harm.

Woman 7: when there’s a problem I sit down and think about everything around it quietly. By the time I finish, I would have an answer. I control the environment in my house. It’s all in the art of talking; you can discuss difficult things without shouting at each other.  If the problem is too big, I find an older and neutral person to mediate. Sometimes you need to act like a fool by just acting as if nothing has happened. Life is too short, let everyday be blissful and be each other’s best friend.

Man 1: There are issues you would want to wait until you’re ready to talk about it and things you want sorted and done with. But in most cases I don’t mind being asked in a manner that shows a bit of respect of course understanding her degree of anger. But all issues need to be talked about if I have to apologise then I do and sometimes I start the conversation before she even asks because I will have wronged her. 

Man 2: I want her to ask me about it. I would rather have the issue discussed and done away with, get the lessons if any and move ahead. I would also prefer she cools down first. And then tell me where and how I wronged her. If it happens that it’s a misunderstanding, I would then have a chance to explain what I meant. Either way, I would apologise for having hurt her. My main wish would be for the issue to be resolved and put to rest.

Man 3: I’d rather she asks me. It should be in an environment that we are alone and should be done with soberness. I would do the same for her. 

Man 4: I prefer her to ask and she should be very diplomatic when she does so, because if she’s not careful in the way she asks the situation can get worse. To be honest, though, it depends on the issue/offence. With certain offences I’m the one that runs to say, “Sorry, dear”, but with the others hahahaha! 

Man 5: I think it all depends on an individual. Personally I would wish she doesn’t speak about it even though I know it’s hard. Striking the iron while it’s hot sometimes has dire consequences. You might not get the truth. He might tell you what you want to hear, something that won’t hurt you, only for you to find later that if you had asked the other way the truth would have come out. Remember we know when we are guilty and if we want to save our marriages we would do anything, including lying, until things have cooled down.

Obviously I would want to defend myself whether guilty or not. It’s hard for us men to plead guilty, more so if it’s still fresh. So it’s best for my woman to be tactful. If she wants to deal with it sooner she should not try to make me feel like a child. I know I’m guilty so what I want to have at that moment is someone to be on my side. Don’t be angry when you confront me. Try to find out why I did that without being dramatic, maintain your coolness, make me regret doing it by being polite and understanding. That would really awaken my conscience. Do it respectfully. Even we modern men like women who make us feel like kings even when we are wrong. Treat me the way you treat your father. 

So there you have it! The few men that I spoke to said they didn’t mind being asked because they also want issues resolved. It boggles the mind why women keep encouraging each other to be quiet when offended. What intrigued me most about this discussion was how all the men wanted to be approached diplomatically after doing wrong. It’s a bit strange how men’s feelings should always take precedence even when they are in the wrong. I had to ask Man 4, “You want your wife to approach you diplomatically, but do you offend diplomatically?” I just had to ask, but I do agree that for a discussion to be fruitful, people need to be calm. It doesn’t feel good to have someone who offended you dictating how you should react, but I’d support anything that leads to people talking towards peace.

Peace and Love <3