16 Days of Activism Contribution

I don’t actually think commemorating 16 Days of Activism against Gender Based Violence (GBV) will yield any big results. Women will continue to be brutalised, raped and killed. I, however, believe that just like with other important days we observe, it gives us an opportunity to discuss certain issues that are usually left on the wayside as we concentrate on the “more important issues”.

Gender-based violence, in my opinion, is mostly a product of poor communication between men and women. Deceit, power play, and especially sex have contributory roles in how people end up holding each other’s throats instead of hands. I really went to town trying to analyse how I view relations between men and women – the cheating in marriages, how married women are mostly at the losing end while men emerge victors most of the time, and how women view sex and what they really treasure in their relationships with men.  

I was fortunate to get contributions from my good friends Vitalis and Peace, which I’m publishing verbatim to avoid any distortion. I’m sure most men won’t like what I write about their treatment of women and will think I just hate men in general. Not true, I like men so much that I even went ahead and married one of them. But I keep my eyes and ears open and observe things.

My contribution to the 16 Days of Activism against GBV is in the articles To have and to (strangle) hold, “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”, and What do women want, really. Enjoy!

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others"

I follow South African soapies Isidingo, Muvhango and 7de laan. Lately, all three have been running subplots around cheating husbands. I like these soapies for the genius scriptwriting and relevance to everyday life. The cuckolded women’s flaws are accentuated so much that it becomes natural to feel sorry for the poor husband, victim of his neglectful and haughty wife who drives him to have unwanted sex with other women. It’s the same in real life. Men are pushed to cheat against their will, it’s the last thing they want to do, they actually go to other women kicking and screaming, right? It reminds me of George Orwell’s Animal Farm where the pigs tailored a privileged life for themselves and ate all the good food while sitting on their butts and the other animals worked themselves to the bone. They changed the rule “All animals are equal” to “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others”.   Did I just say cheating men remind me of pigs, hahaha, that came out completely wrong!

Problems happen in the home and I think the solution is to sit down and talk, not take the cowardly route of running away from them.  There are counselors available, and if people are determined to solve their problems, they will. Men cheat because they want to cheat, period. Society allows them to, it normalizes cheating in men but if a woman do the same, nail her on the cross.

Men will come up with all manner of excuses for cheating and the blame is usually laid squarely at the wife’s feet. Even when there aren’t problems at home to blame the cheating on, they will look for them until they find them. If they don’t find them, they will create them. If women had to adopt a similar approach, heading for the hills because their husbands have problems, there would be no woman in any home because men also have serious flaws. I think men cheat because their egos are perforated by their inadequacies and instead of finding a way of managing that, they just go and hide their heads in other women’s panties.

When a married couple fails to conceive, it’s socially acceptable in our African culture for the man to go and find another woman to have a child with, even though he doesn’t divorce his wife. People say, “He can’t just die without a child of his own”. But if it’s the man who is impotent, no-one expects the wife to find a man who can give her a child. They encourage her to accept the situation and stand by her man. She is encouraged to remember her vows.  You said you would love him, comfort him and keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, be true to him as long as you both shall live. We were there when you declared you would have and hold him for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer to love and to cherish till death do you part.  Wedding vows have a knack to spring on people’s minds only where women are concerned. Men can piss on those vows and it’s perfectly fine! Even when a man cheats and the woman wants to leave, she is reminded of the day she said only death would separate them.  No-one asks the men to remember the time that he said he would forsake all others.

We are always told how men can’t help cheating, that it’s in their DNA. Then we are also told the man is the head of the house who womenfolk should submit to. Is this the same man who can’t control himself and is now supposed to be the head that leads the whole family? Where to, a ditch?  I don’t want to subscribe to that school of thought that says men are dogs that can’t control themselves because I’m aware that there are a few very good ones out there. So I will hold the conviction that they can control themselves, but make their own choices.

I think men who cheat on their wives don’t love them, simple as that. You don’t deliberately hurt someone you love. I think these men have a low self-esteem, maybe they feel like losers among other men and want to compensate by amassing women to feel better about themselves. It’s never usually about the wife’s shortfalls. It’s more about the man feeling sorry for himself and thinking he will get an ego boost from sleeping around or just having a sense of entitlement and thinking he owes it to himself to continue sleeping around even though his wife isn’t allowed to do so.

My friend cheated on his wife and was asking me how to make amends. I told him I wouldn’t know how to make that right because it cannot be undone. The best way to handle cheating in marriage is simply not even start, because once you do, you’ve bitten more than you can chew. When you bring a third person into the mix, you might as well say hello to a fourth one which your partner will also bring to the party. When a man leaves his wife at home and starts chasing after other skirts out there, he creates a void, one that another man will happily come and fill because there are always men lurking in the shadows, waiting to comfort broken-hearted wives. Once a man cheats, he’s making the statement that “You are undesirable, you are not enough for me, I have found better”, to his wife. In the event that another man makes a pass at the spurned woman, she’s naturally quite flattered to get some appreciation, which she’s not getting from her husband because he’s busy giving it to other women. Affected women might then cheat to heal their broken hearts and to seek validation elsewhere, get a second opinion on their desirability, so to speak. Then society will descend on that woman like a tonne of bricks.

To have and to (strangle) hold

I don’t actually think commemorating 16 Days of Activism against Gender Based Violence will yield any big results. Women will continue to be brutalised, raped and killed. I, however, believe that just like with other important days we observe, it gives us an opportunity to discuss certain issues that are usually left on the wayside as we concentrate on the “more important issues”.

I don’t take lightly the fact that a number of men are also exposed to violence at the hands of    women. Increasingly, men are getting raped by women in countries such as Zimbabwe and Swaziland, and for some reason, a lot of people find this hilarious. Violence is violence, regardless of the sex of the perpetrator or victim. People, mostly men, seem to believe men who get raped are lucky and must enjoy the experience. I find this quite sad and hope that someday the justice system will treat the rape of males by women with the same gravity as that of females by males.  I don’t really have a lot of information on violence against men perpetrated by women because it’s not something that is widely reported on. Not many people take violence against men seriously and I’m sure most men are afraid to speak out about it.  In this article, I will, therefore, write on violence against some married women.

The type of violence that I want to talk about is not usually visible to the naked eye, and in my opinion, it could actually be worse than the visible type, in some instances. This kind of violence does not leave a black eye but it murders and blackens the souls of the women that suffer from it. It breaks no bones, but it surely breaks the spirit. The bruises that are inside are probably the most difficult to heal because no-one can see them, therefore no-one commiserates. I know quite a few women whose own biological families turned their backs on them when they complained that they were in abusive marriages, even though they had no scars to show. Aunts will say, “Look at me. All my front teeth are gone from the beatings your uncle gave me, but I remained steadfast, I never gave up on my marriage. Your husband doesn’t hit you and you want to leave?” Is that really the reason why women get married, to be brave and hang on to that which breaks their hearts and spirits? Where I come from, if a woman tries to walk out of a toxic marriage, bible verses like Proverbs 14 verse 1 are quoted, “A wise woman builds her own house, but a foolish one with her own hands tears it down”.  

Whether a woman questions her husband for indiscretions, stands up to him against abuse, or decides to pursue a career without the husband’s blessing, she will be accused of tearing down her house with her hands. It doesn’t matter what kind of evil or pain the husband inflicts on her, she’s just supposed to turn stone into bread by ensuring that her marriage is happy. If she sulks, gets depressed or complains about ill-treatment, she is accused of nagging and chasing away her husband, driving him into another woman’s arms.

Everything is the woman’s fault, even the emotional, physical or economic abuse.  She’s accused of driving her husband to it. Surely if you’re doing everything right, your husband will bend over backwards to make you happy, there must me something you did wrong to warrant the abuse, they say. This forces women to stay put, and in some cases die in volatile marriages because society is very harsh on women who give up on marriages that aren’t working for them.

I like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s words on Beyoncé’s song, Flawless. Not that she said anything we weren’t aware of before, but she has a way of articulating it that drives the point home better. As soon as a girl reaches puberty, society starts thinking of how she’s going to be married and have children. Those that choose to pursue careers, not marriage are viewed as failures. A woman can have seven degrees and a job that pays tonnes of money, but if she’s not married, she’s not really respected. Society is of the view that there’s something missing in her life. On the other hand, as boys grow, discussions around them are not family or marriage-oriented but are more to do with their careers. A man’s worth is judged by how successful his career is, while most women are judged by how stable their marriage are, how well they and their children are put together.  That begs the question, with whom are women supposed to build the families about which they are groomed from an early age?

We therefore have an unbalanced situation where women are coached ad nauseam about how families and marriages are supposed to work, and neglected men who just fall through the cracks and have to bumble through family life. That should not be an excuse to abuse women, though.

Marriage is touted as a blessing, but for most women it strongly resembles a curse in disguise. The joy that is supposed to come from it is taken away from them as life becomes a struggle to stop the husband from leaving.  Surely all the pomp and fanfare at weddings can’t be a precursor to holding your husband’s coattails so that he doesn’t leave you?  When a woman has had it and wants to throw in the towel, relatives and friends are quick to say, “Think of your children. They should grow up in a stable environment with both their parents present.” Why should one parent be the one that thinks about the children and saving the marriage while the other concentrates on messing that up? The presence of both parents under one roof doesn’t always create a stable family life. Sometimes the reverse is actually true. A sad mother isn’t the best kind of mother for her children. Staying for the sake of the children is just plain wrong! Women should stay married because they love their husbands and are happy, not because they want their children to be happy. We all have one life and deserve to make the most out of it, not spend it in anguish. Why don’t men also fight to save their marriages with everything they’ve got? Because they think it’s a woman’s job to fight for the marriage. If everyone brings their A-Game to the relationship, it will work out for everyone concerned.

The married woman has her husband’s stamp visible all over her with regards to what she wears, how she talks, how she carries herself on public platforms and who she interacts with, and who her friends are. Meantime, there’s very little, if anything, that reflects the woman’s presence in her husband’s life. You won’t even see the wife on her husband’s Facebook or Whatsapp profiles. But he wants to be seen on hers, he wants his presence felt all around her, marking his territory like King of the Jungle, yet wants hers concealed as much as possible. It’s as if husbands who exhibit how little they value their wives are to be celebrated.  He still continues to enjoy his freedom to come and go as he pleases, but the woman has to be accountable for her movements. 

The other day I was chatting to my single friend and she mentioned that she was probably too strong-minded to be married. And I get her completely. The way a lot of women are forced to act in their marriages strongly suggests it should be an institution for weak-minded women. Those who stand their ground and want their voices heard are regarded as shrews. A lot of men ill-treat women, but I think as women, we are our own worst enemies sometimes. Advice that is dished out at bridal showers, kitchen parties and baby showers is mostly targeted at disempowering women, keeping the woman in her place, not by her man’s side but beneath his feet. I remember one bridal shower I attended where one elderly lady was giving marital advice to the bride-to-be. “If your husband doesn’t sleep at home and comes home in the morning or after a day or two, greet him nicely, run the shower for him and serve him his favourite food. Don’t refuse to sleep with him. The good treatment you give him will shame him and he will never do it again,” she said. In this day and age of HIV and Aids? We are supposed to just carry on as if nothing happened? If there ever was a time for people to have a serious conversation, this would be it! Even if it wasn’t for diseases, women don’t stop having emotions and evolve into robots because they are married. As a result of the things I have had to listen to at such gatherings, I really don’t have much respect for them.

Women are told to treat their husbands as kings. I would like to believe for every king there are a queen and some servants too. It becomes a big problem when you are convinced you are the queen but get treated like a slave. I strongly feel it boils down to how unjust education on marriages and families is disseminated to the different sexes. I really have a problem with how stifling our patriarchal our society is. A girl grows up under the authority of her father. Just as she grows and starts to run her show, people are on her back asking her when she’s getting married, the biological clock is beginning to get louder. When she gets married, she is forced to succumb to another male figure, her husband this time. It’s almost as if women can’t be trusted to live by themselves. There always has to be a puppet master somewhere nearby, pulling the strings, hovering over the cage.

The Blame Game Gets Us Nowhere

* This is my friend's take on cheating. He told me, in another conversation, that he decided to hang on to his innocence until he left university. I want to clone him :)

By Peace

I have purposed it in my heart to take up the challenge of being faithful. Cheating and sleeping around are the easiest things to do. Men who never cheated or played around in their teen years are vulnerable. I know I am.

It’s just like a kid who grew up without toys and played with bricks. When a bit grown up, toys still are fascinating. I guess it’s just that fallacy that to be a straight man you must have played the field, especially during college years or after. Also, wrong company corrupts! Temptation, on the other hand, is thrown at our faces every day! So much are the allurements such that to be triumphant one ought to have had purposed it in their heart for a long time.

After all is said and done, everything we do is by choice, even under the jaws of the most seductive woman, one still makes a choice. Truly, however one may go to the moon and back, sex is sex and even more fulfilling under the confines of marriage. The stolen cookie oft times presents pseudo euphoria and this is what many go for. I like the Shona adage akarumwa nechekuchera (the English equivalent would be “he dug his own grave”), sad that is what claims the lives of many. The blame game never gets us anywhere! I had wayward friends and you would know I never clubbed or slept around. I made a choice. I had to run away. I became an extremist in the eyes of my friends, but I told them that it’s a choice an individual takes. Yes, in your eyes I’m an extremist, but in my eyes I’ve just taken a decision just as I want pizza today. Many people blame the morals of other people for their own folly instead of crafting their own rules. Being Christian also made me cement what I purpose in my heart.  Being faithful is an empowerment to love and a sure way to developing a legacy that would transcend many generations.

Western Christian marriage is not for Africans

* The views below belong to the Guest Blogger. My response is in italics

By Vitalis

 My unconventional view of the Western Christian marriage is foreign to African men. Looks like men are forced to make vows while intrinsically, their desires go beyond the one “lucky” lady. A very warped view, heh?

In addition to our cultural socialization, men’s sexuality is in the eyes. We see too much and then desire to touch. Now what is the world full of? Beautiful women other than our ladies at home. It doesn’t really matter if the beauty is fake or genuine. I am convinced that some men cheat because their sexual needs are half met at home. Communication on sexual inadequacies is poor. Men want sex and most women are dead wood in these matters.

Men think of sex most of the time. And that sexual desire, coupled with our lustful eyes, make us crave for it every day.  My major accusations on women are:

1.       Women are sexually rude, culturally and religiously rigid and abhor any new sexual escapades

2.       Women carry family burdens into bedrooms, e.g. when men fail to provide, they pout and close their zips.

3.       Openly deny men sex as punishment for a, b, c.

4.       Women are unromantic

5.       Women fail to understand their husbands’ sexual needs.

6.       Women neglect their husbands and focus on kids.

7.       Women are poor communicators

8.      Women relax too much after marriage, telling themselves they are there to stay and nothing can push them away.

9.       Women nag.

10.   Some women are just dirty and don’t groom themselves.

Most couples aren’t taken through sexual orientation and possible challenges. Rather, the young couple is taken through moral uprightness. Perhaps proper sexual teaching must be carried out even at college. Marriage isn’t about sex only, but a good sex life is grease in a marriage. A sexually dysfunctional marriage is a brewing storm and like a festering wound. While sexuality is very sensual and physical, we just have to include spirituality to make it work. Unfortunately, our churches, especially the Roman Catholic Church, have failed dismally in guiding couples to sexual bliss.

Editor’s note: The allegations leveled against women by Vitalis really rubbed me the wrong way as I felt they were generalized and unfair. I felt I needed to respond and add other points that I think are valid:

1.       The problem is men simply go out to look for better without even telling their wives that there is a problem. Sometimes the problem is actually the men themselves, and sexual rigidity might actually be as a result of the husband being a lousy lover, to a point where the wife hates going to bed to endure bad sex. do you know how many women are disgruntled about their sex lives? You would be horrified if you did. Most men are said to be actually clueless. Making love is not like straddling a bike. One minute you’re walking, the next minute you’re sitting on it. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. How you treat the woman outside the bedroom determines the quality of sex. Sex is also a far cry from going to the toilet. You know, just go, relieve yourself and that’s it.

2.       Carrying family problems to the bedroom: There would be no need to carry the problems to bed if men were interested in solving problems. Let’s iron out things so that everyone is at ease by the time we go to bed. Sex isn’t just for the man’s enjoyment, and you can’t enjoy it if you have things bugging you at the back of your mind. Sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too, and problems, especially those caused by the man, will cause emotional and consequently sexual detachment.

3.       Punishment – no one would feel the need to punish anyone if men learned to apologise for their wrongdoings. This thing of just wanting to carry on like nothing has happened doesn’t work. The attitude that if you don’t give it up, I’ll go and look elsewhere has to stop.

4.       Neglecting husbands in favour of children: Once we have kids, we have to take care of them, we can’t wish them away. Women are overwhelmed with having to juggle being a mom, wife, employee somewhere, and I find that complaint by husbands to be rather inconsequential. Men should help with the kids too so that their wives can breathe and be able to entertain the husbands too.

5.       Being scruffy: if the husband provides money for makeup, hairstyles, good clothes and grooming, or isn’t overly controlling of the wife’s finances and the wife prefers to be scruffy, then there’s major reason for concern.  Good communication translates to good sex. A marriage that has no sex is in serious trouble. There’s obviously someone in that marriage who feels unappreciated and there’s no telling what they might do to feel better about themselves.

6.       Most men don’t seem to know the benefits of being friends with their wives. When they have free time, they would rather look for their friends and go out drinking or for a braai. The wives are only are taken to the in-laws’ homes where they work like flogged horses. They last went for movies or to eat out when they dated other guys before marrying their husbands.

7.       It’s actually true that women get tired. When a woman is too tired for sex, her husband should understand. It is unfair to force your partner to have sex when she doesn’t feel like it. There’s actually a name for it. It’s called rape. Of course, it would be concerning if someone claimed to be tired every day.

8.       A lot of men are bad communicators. Without good communication, sex is poor. Women are usually afraid to be vocal about their sexual needs because men are uptight and will think it’s their prowess that’s being knocked, or they are being compared with somebody else. It’s always about them, what they want, how they feel, never about the woman.

9.       Taking sides with in-laws when wife is being harassed.  A lot of men are not objective where their relatives are concerned. They don’t protect their wives, yet expect the sex to be good. Interference from extended family can kill the sex life.  A sad wife can’t be a good lover.

10.   A lot of women don’t remember the last time they got a random kiss or hug from their husbands. That’s probably the reason why a lot of women are so excited at weddings when it’s time for the groom to kiss the bride. Kissing has become a marvel for most of these women, if they don’t pay their utmost attention at this crucial time, they will never see any kissing until the next wedding. Except on TV of course. A lot of husbands don’t like holding their wives’ hands in public. They think holding hands is a display of white tendencies. Small things count.