To have and to (strangle) hold

I don’t actually think commemorating 16 Days of Activism against Gender Based Violence will yield any big results. Women will continue to be brutalised, raped and killed. I, however, believe that just like with other important days we observe, it gives us an opportunity to discuss certain issues that are usually left on the wayside as we concentrate on the “more important issues”.

I don’t take lightly the fact that a number of men are also exposed to violence at the hands of    women. Increasingly, men are getting raped by women in countries such as Zimbabwe and Swaziland, and for some reason, a lot of people find this hilarious. Violence is violence, regardless of the sex of the perpetrator or victim. People, mostly men, seem to believe men who get raped are lucky and must enjoy the experience. I find this quite sad and hope that someday the justice system will treat the rape of males by women with the same gravity as that of females by males.  I don’t really have a lot of information on violence against men perpetrated by women because it’s not something that is widely reported on. Not many people take violence against men seriously and I’m sure most men are afraid to speak out about it.  In this article, I will, therefore, write on violence against some married women.

The type of violence that I want to talk about is not usually visible to the naked eye, and in my opinion, it could actually be worse than the visible type, in some instances. This kind of violence does not leave a black eye but it murders and blackens the souls of the women that suffer from it. It breaks no bones, but it surely breaks the spirit. The bruises that are inside are probably the most difficult to heal because no-one can see them, therefore no-one commiserates. I know quite a few women whose own biological families turned their backs on them when they complained that they were in abusive marriages, even though they had no scars to show. Aunts will say, “Look at me. All my front teeth are gone from the beatings your uncle gave me, but I remained steadfast, I never gave up on my marriage. Your husband doesn’t hit you and you want to leave?” Is that really the reason why women get married, to be brave and hang on to that which breaks their hearts and spirits? Where I come from, if a woman tries to walk out of a toxic marriage, bible verses like Proverbs 14 verse 1 are quoted, “A wise woman builds her own house, but a foolish one with her own hands tears it down”.  

Whether a woman questions her husband for indiscretions, stands up to him against abuse, or decides to pursue a career without the husband’s blessing, she will be accused of tearing down her house with her hands. It doesn’t matter what kind of evil or pain the husband inflicts on her, she’s just supposed to turn stone into bread by ensuring that her marriage is happy. If she sulks, gets depressed or complains about ill-treatment, she is accused of nagging and chasing away her husband, driving him into another woman’s arms.

Everything is the woman’s fault, even the emotional, physical or economic abuse.  She’s accused of driving her husband to it. Surely if you’re doing everything right, your husband will bend over backwards to make you happy, there must me something you did wrong to warrant the abuse, they say. This forces women to stay put, and in some cases die in volatile marriages because society is very harsh on women who give up on marriages that aren’t working for them.

I like Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s words on Beyoncé’s song, Flawless. Not that she said anything we weren’t aware of before, but she has a way of articulating it that drives the point home better. As soon as a girl reaches puberty, society starts thinking of how she’s going to be married and have children. Those that choose to pursue careers, not marriage are viewed as failures. A woman can have seven degrees and a job that pays tonnes of money, but if she’s not married, she’s not really respected. Society is of the view that there’s something missing in her life. On the other hand, as boys grow, discussions around them are not family or marriage-oriented but are more to do with their careers. A man’s worth is judged by how successful his career is, while most women are judged by how stable their marriage are, how well they and their children are put together.  That begs the question, with whom are women supposed to build the families about which they are groomed from an early age?

We therefore have an unbalanced situation where women are coached ad nauseam about how families and marriages are supposed to work, and neglected men who just fall through the cracks and have to bumble through family life. That should not be an excuse to abuse women, though.

Marriage is touted as a blessing, but for most women it strongly resembles a curse in disguise. The joy that is supposed to come from it is taken away from them as life becomes a struggle to stop the husband from leaving.  Surely all the pomp and fanfare at weddings can’t be a precursor to holding your husband’s coattails so that he doesn’t leave you?  When a woman has had it and wants to throw in the towel, relatives and friends are quick to say, “Think of your children. They should grow up in a stable environment with both their parents present.” Why should one parent be the one that thinks about the children and saving the marriage while the other concentrates on messing that up? The presence of both parents under one roof doesn’t always create a stable family life. Sometimes the reverse is actually true. A sad mother isn’t the best kind of mother for her children. Staying for the sake of the children is just plain wrong! Women should stay married because they love their husbands and are happy, not because they want their children to be happy. We all have one life and deserve to make the most out of it, not spend it in anguish. Why don’t men also fight to save their marriages with everything they’ve got? Because they think it’s a woman’s job to fight for the marriage. If everyone brings their A-Game to the relationship, it will work out for everyone concerned.

The married woman has her husband’s stamp visible all over her with regards to what she wears, how she talks, how she carries herself on public platforms and who she interacts with, and who her friends are. Meantime, there’s very little, if anything, that reflects the woman’s presence in her husband’s life. You won’t even see the wife on her husband’s Facebook or Whatsapp profiles. But he wants to be seen on hers, he wants his presence felt all around her, marking his territory like King of the Jungle, yet wants hers concealed as much as possible. It’s as if husbands who exhibit how little they value their wives are to be celebrated.  He still continues to enjoy his freedom to come and go as he pleases, but the woman has to be accountable for her movements. 

The other day I was chatting to my single friend and she mentioned that she was probably too strong-minded to be married. And I get her completely. The way a lot of women are forced to act in their marriages strongly suggests it should be an institution for weak-minded women. Those who stand their ground and want their voices heard are regarded as shrews. A lot of men ill-treat women, but I think as women, we are our own worst enemies sometimes. Advice that is dished out at bridal showers, kitchen parties and baby showers is mostly targeted at disempowering women, keeping the woman in her place, not by her man’s side but beneath his feet. I remember one bridal shower I attended where one elderly lady was giving marital advice to the bride-to-be. “If your husband doesn’t sleep at home and comes home in the morning or after a day or two, greet him nicely, run the shower for him and serve him his favourite food. Don’t refuse to sleep with him. The good treatment you give him will shame him and he will never do it again,” she said. In this day and age of HIV and Aids? We are supposed to just carry on as if nothing happened? If there ever was a time for people to have a serious conversation, this would be it! Even if it wasn’t for diseases, women don’t stop having emotions and evolve into robots because they are married. As a result of the things I have had to listen to at such gatherings, I really don’t have much respect for them.

Women are told to treat their husbands as kings. I would like to believe for every king there are a queen and some servants too. It becomes a big problem when you are convinced you are the queen but get treated like a slave. I strongly feel it boils down to how unjust education on marriages and families is disseminated to the different sexes. I really have a problem with how stifling our patriarchal our society is. A girl grows up under the authority of her father. Just as she grows and starts to run her show, people are on her back asking her when she’s getting married, the biological clock is beginning to get louder. When she gets married, she is forced to succumb to another male figure, her husband this time. It’s almost as if women can’t be trusted to live by themselves. There always has to be a puppet master somewhere nearby, pulling the strings, hovering over the cage.