Father's Day: My 2 Cents

I just remembered something yesterday on Father's Day, and I didn't want to  'preach' about it then, because I don't want to be one of "those women" accused of trying to steal the shine from men on their special day. My colleague Tondani actually commented that Mother's Day is always a very peaceful occasion, with people showing their love to the women in their lives.

Come Father's Day, the mood becomes very combative and there's blood on the streets, especially when the mom-dads hijack the day to vent about deadbeat dads and pat themselves on the back for stepping up to the plate and wearing both mom and dad hats for their offspring. I'll reserve my comments on this, at least for now, because my real issue is about how most men aren't equipped or don't equip themselves to be parents in the absence of their children's mothers. They can only parent effectively in the presence of a woman. Boggles the mind how they're then touted as the heads of the house. This obviously doesn't apply to every man. I was raised by a very hands-on father who would sweep the house, cook, do the dishes, nurse me back to health during my asthma crises, and am aware there are many such dads. But the majority 👐🏾.

Tragedy befell a young family very close to mine and the outcome caused us all so much distress. The mother died in her prime and left two very young children. After her funeral, the children were split between two relatives that live very far from each other, because it would have been burdensome for both of them to go to one family. Of bigger concern was the consensus that the father couldn't look after his children by himself without his wife. So not only had the poor kids lost their mom, but they also ended up losing their dad and each other. They'll grow up without a bond and probably won't even remember each other's faces anymore. If it were up to me, I'd have preferred for another plan that didn't involve separating the children from each other and their father to be made. If the tables were turned, people would never take the children away from their mother to be raised by other relatives because the father had passed away. Regardless of the circumstances - whether the mom has a full-time job or is unemployed, the children would stay with her, unless of course there are exceptional circumstances. In most instances. The removal of a mother from a household strongly mirrors the death of the queen bee in a hive.

In her absence, the hive goes into total chaos. But we're not bees. We're human beings and both parents must be capable of independently steering the ship should need arise.

Some men do fight to keep their children following their wives' demise, but there's usually a lot of pressure or expectation for them to quickly bounce back and find another mother for their children, because of the general belief that they won't cope on their own. Some families even donate the wife's sister to the widowed man so that she can help raise the children. Excuses are created for men to find new companions as soon as possible - "for the children and for stability".  If a woman loses her husband, however, the general expectation is for her to not rush back to the dating scene. They'll say chimbomira zvechibhishu ucheme murume nekuchengeta vana. Hello, how about finding a dad for the kids🤷🏾‍♀️? Who said women don't also need to he stabilised? 

Men really have it much easier than women.
I remember Tsitsi Dangarembga referring to the burden of womanhood, in Nervous Conditions. At that time these were just empty words, but as I grow older I actually see it all around me and even feel it. At funerals, everyone is watching the wife intently to see if she's grieving properly, that means wailing like a good heartbroken African woman who's sad to lose her husband, refusing to eat even if your stomach is gnawing from hunger, and fainting if possible. It's actually quite easy to faint when you're hungry. Even if the deceased husband was abusive and the wife's tears got depleted from weeping due to his indiscretions while he was still alive, she still has to cry for optics, and as they say, apunyaira haashai misodzi. If you try hard enough the tears will come. And your aunts won't be sitting very far from you, encouraging you to cry visibly for the world to see. Men don't have to. Even if they don't have a single tear, people will still feel sorry for them and say, shame his heartbreak is written all over his face, but he's being brave. Zviri kutongooneka kuti ari kushinga semunhu wemurume. Where is the bravery when the children need to be raised? Friends even ensure there's enough booze flowing in the bereaved man's direction. Try drinking at the funeral of your husband and see what a stink that would raise!  But I know of one incident when a colleague of a friend lost his wife and was quite inconsolable and sobbing hard. That man's drunk friend came and started yelling at him not to cry so hard. He said uri kubva wachema kudai asi wanga usina girlfriend here?

Aha! Now we have the answer to why some men don't cry at their spouses' funerals. The support system would already be waiting in the wings. They don't even have to go back to scour the streets "for a mother for their children". Please🙄, we're not stupid. All that has nothing to do with the children.

Almost everything I've said here is a sideshow. The one thing I wanted to say was that men need to grow a pair and be present in their children's lives. You can't wish your children away. Whether there's divorce, death, anything, as long as you're not incapacitated, look after your children. Be hands on. Even if you think the mother is strong enough, kana dai ari Chihera, she's not a dad. She's a mom and you need to be the dad. If you don't occupy your space as a dad, there will always be a void that will manifest in your children's lives, especially when they have their own families.