Guests from hell

When I was still quite young, below 10, my father’s distant relative visited us from the rural areas with his wife and five undisciplined children. The husband and wife both were said to have some level of mental illness and lived in abject poverty. They were dressed in very dirty and tattered clothes and made a real spectacle as they walked down the road and descended on our house. Our house wasn’t very big, so when the seven of them came, we became quite a crowd. His children were all over the show clamoring, literally climbing walls, and everything you can expect from unruly children. He said he had just decided to visit my father because he missed him. Heartwarming as it was, we were all at the verge of tearing our hair out as the visitor and his family stole the show.

My father was quite frustrated and asked him, “Why do you move around with your whole family like this? He responded, “Sekuru, nzou hairemerwi nemusinga wayo.” (translated literally it means the elephant is not burdened by its own tusks, meaning one does not find it challenging to deal with their naturally given responsibilities. One should be equal to one's responsibilities**.)

In the townships, neighbours see everything. Our neighbour from across the road came from town with terrible news. She had just seen our guest and his family sitting in a restaurant in town enjoying refreshments. No guessing where they obtained the money for those refreshments! “I think they’re coming back, ”the neighbour said. We all wanted to faint. Sure enough, towards sunset, our street was treated to another spectacle as the guest and his family sashayed back to our house. History from the previous night repeated itself.

The next day, my father took him and his family to the bus, paid the fare himself, and did not leave until the bus departed.

Over the years, I’ve also had a fair share of guests from hell, guests who make you feel too scared to get out of bed or come back home from work because they would have just taken over, like the camel in *this story. I once hosted a bully who would demand a specific blanket I was using saying that’s the one she wanted to use. She would also come to the kitchen as I was dishing. I used to dish directly onto the plates, not in a bowl for everyone to serve themselves. She would come and her eyes would dart around the plates before settling on one. She would stretch her hand and point towards the chosen one. “I want that one!” she would declare. She also became best friends with my helper, and every time I turned my back, they would burst out laughing.

I also hosted another who would turn down the food we offered, waltz into the kitchen and start preparing her favourite dishes without even asking. We would just sit there like spectators and watched her do her thing like she owned the place.

My late brother-in-law was an amazing guest. He would wake up, do his bed, clean his room, and he would sometimes even wash his plate after eating if the dishes had already been done.

It’s difficult to start dishing out dos and don’ts when guests arrive because you may end up coming across as uptight and people might end up feeling very uncomfortable. I’ve been hosted in places where I was really distressed by the treatment I got or the general atmosphere, and would hate for anyone that visits me to feel that way. At the same time, I would not want the guests to be way so comfortable that I become uncomfortable on my own turf. I don’t think I’m a fussy hostess, but here is what I expect of my guests:

• Observe meal times. After preparing meals, I want to rest, not have to wait on someone who decides to have their own timetable.
• If you are not allergic to what’s on the table, please just eat it. Don’t get all uppity on me and cook separate meals because I budget for the month and your preferences might set me off. There are exceptions to this rule, though. there are people that have free reign of my house and can request what they would like me to cook for them because they also spoil me when I visit them.
• If you have your own special food that you would like to eat, not because you are allergic to mine, by all means you can buy and cook it or if you can’t, just ask. I would gladly help.
• Relax. Don’t be rigid. If you have to go out early, let me know the night before so that I can wake up aware that there is an early meal to prepare. I don’t want to suddenly have to run around as if there is an emergency when you knew all along that you had an early day.
• Do your own bed.
• If you are a woman, please help out with the cleaning, cooking, serving, anything. Don’t just sit and prattle away while I work like a flogged horse. 

Below are some of my friends’ stories about some obnoxious habits their guests exhibited. All names have been changed, just in case the guests come across this post and decide to pay them another visit!

Georgina

I dislike visitors who don’t clean up after toilet or bathing, don’t spread their beds and ask me or the helper too many questions, e.g. how much was the table, ndidzo nguva dzinodzoka baba vepano? (Goodness! Is this the time your husband comes back home?)

Monica

They had stinking shoes and general bad odour, such that it was hard even to use the bathroom after them. They had bad habits in as far as personal hygiene was concerned. I couldn’t solve it because they missed vital lessons growing up. Too bad!

Thando

I hosted my aunt’s daughter who wanted to be treated like a queen even when she didn’t contribute anything in the house. She was selective on everything from bathing soap to lotion to food to TV channels, and would mercilessly raid the fridge. For instance id buy fruits and juices which were supposed to last for a certain period but you would just helplessly watch her consume things at an alarming pace. She was also a student on attachment who would expect you to transport her to work. She later went to South Africa for a post grad and also butted heads with my sister who was now looking after her. Her behaviour was a huge embarrassment with my brother-in-law. When she started working, they never saw her money and she expected them to cater for her every need including buying her bath foam and special hair shampoo as her skin was ‘sensitive to soaps. She would wash dishes wearing industrial gloves.

 Fay

I had one who started arranging her cosmetics in my bathroom – a lipstick here, the eyeliner there…  I simply took a plastic, put all her things, gave her and said, “Here are you things. Don’t leave them in the bathroom.” She would leave the comb with hair on it in the bathroom. I simply threw the comb in the bin. I don’t like to be stressed under my own roof so I do what makes me happy.

Cleo

We tell our guests the house rules as soon as they arrive. I only make breakfast for my husband. If the guest wants to go out between the time hubby eats and our own breakfast time, then he prepares his own food. I once had serious problems with visitors who didn’t want to respect our residential complex rules and made lots of noise. Another was storing dangerous stuff in the garage. He would go out and steal diesel by draining it from haulage trucks, and he would keep it in the garage. I threatened to report him and he stopped. One of our other rules is that married people are not allowed to bring friends of the opposite sex. If they are not married, we don’t want them bringing different boys or girls home.

Miriam                                                                   

I found work for my friend and helped her relocate to stay with me. I hosted her for one month and she didn’t cook or do house chores. I used to do her laundry when I was doing mine, but she would only take hers only when doing laundry and would use my washing powder. I did her laundry because we were using the same basket so I thought it impolite to do mine only. I saw that she didn’t want to move out, so when there emerged a vacant house nearby I quickly told her and pushed her to move.

I think the best way to deal with difficult guests it to be open about how you do things from the beginning. But sometimes we want to be the perfect hostesses and forget that we are actually stifling our own happiness and comfort all in the name of accommodating people who are just being selfish.

Mary

I once hosted a cousin and everyday he would bring his own guest for dinner. You can imagine the inconvenience of having to put an extra plate. So at times he would finish work late and I would put his plate of food in the microwave and tell him your food is in the microwave. It’s so irritating to serve food twice.

Sue
If I host i will tell the guest to feel free in my kitchen for self-service. I don't want to feel inconvenienced, unless if the person is challenged somehow. I don't have time. 

Julia

They come as guests and end up wanting to compare how you do your stuff in your house with how they know. It was my honourable mother-in-law. It was the worst nightmare of the month. She would criticize even her beloved son. As far as she was concerned, my helper was eating too much food, watching TV too much and was not respecting me, I was too friendly with her, my husband, her son was not man enough to put order in the house…Finally it got to the top of my head and I stood my ground and told the son to discipline his mom. She never had the ear to listen so I ended up just ignoring her snide remarks and we ended up understanding each other.

The advice I would give is don’t even change your system. The guests have to adapt. It’s your house and your rules.

**Obtained from this page