Be Autism Aware in 2017

I am looking forward to another year of highlighting issues affecting individuals with autism and their families. There are still many people who don’t know what autism is, and that is unfortunate seeing it’s a condition affecting quite a sizeable population in the Kingdom of Swaziland. Hopefully as the year progresses, that number dwindles as well.  When people are informed about the condition, they won’t be compelled to judge harshly when they encounter affected individuals. Also, many parents are struggling with their children at home and not seeking intervention because they don’t even know their children have autism. Please take time to read up the condition. There are countless online resources; you never know when that information might come in handy. 

One day, Simphiwe*, whose son is autistic, was at a community meeting in Ngculwini when a woman called out to her, “Make wemntfwana longaphile engcondvweni!” (Hey mother of the mentally ill child!") Simphiwe said she was heartbroken by those words and did not understand why that woman had simply not asked for her name. That’s how bad things can get when you come across grossly insensitive and uninformed people.

It’s not just strangers that stick daggers into the hearts of parents with autistic children. Loved ones also do it. The festive season is one of the most awaited times of the year when families get together and be merry. For families affected by autism, it is usually a trying time.  It is hard to participate in family and social gatherings because sometimes autism comes with hyperactivity, sensory issues and poor social skills. If the music is too loud, or the crowd too big, the autistic child can have a meltdown or spend the day with his hands over his ears. If you are the parent of such a child, it is difficult to turn a blind eye to this and just have fun. You end up also having a distressful day either trying to quell the meltdown or make your child comfortable if he’s in distress. Given a choice of whether to spend the day in the company of family yet not partaking in any of the activities because you have to keep an eye on your child, and just staying at home where the child is used to his surroundings, most parents would choose the latter. You stay at home with your child, you don’t have to spend the day explaining his behaviour to anyone, and your child is calmer because he is in his own turf. It does get lonely, though. Sometimes staying away from functions can also be imposed on the family of the autistic child. People might never want to invite you again for fear that your child might break things or disturb the peace, be the “party pooper”, basically.

At family functions there will always be that aunt who will shout in front of everyone that if you spare the rod you spoil the child, but people need to understand that no amount of beating will control the negative behaviours that emanate from autism. It is a developmental problem, not a parenting one. A Mbabane mother to an autistic girl said even though she was naturally a sociable person, her child’s condition had transformed her into an antisocial person. “If I go to a family gathering and people are trying to converse with my daughter, how many people am I going to explain to that, no she can’t have a conversation?” Between managing your child’s behaviour and swallowing the lump on your throat caused by all stinging comments being fired in your direction, there is usually not enough time and energy to explain things.

Family gatherings are also the time when family members share snippets of how well their children are doing at school, what sports they are excelling at, and the clever things they say. Meanwhile, you might still be trying to toilet-train a 6-year-old or trying to teach an 8-year-old to say “mum” or wave properly. (Many children with autism take long to learn to use the toilet. An article on Autism Speaks website attributed this to the general developmental delay that many of them have, difficulty in breaking the long-established routine of wearing diapers, and communication challenges. Some children with autism also have delayed speech, with some finding their voices as late as 8 or 9 years of age or never speaking at all.)

Sitting in the middle of people exchanging progress reports about their typical children is bound to make the parent of an autistic child left out and feeling sorry for him/herself and their challenged offspring. The progress reports are not even the worst of it. Things start to get really ugly when people start to compare their children with your autistic one. I remember a time when my own son was about 4 years old and still had a vocabulary of about 15 words. A friend, whose son was less than 2 years old, dropped by and went on and on about the intelligent things her son was already saying and how very balanced he was for a little person his age. When she ran out of her stories, she ‘modestly’ said, “Oh listen to me going on about my clever child to a person whose son can’t say anything!”

Of course the festive season is gone, but there are still birthdays and other smaller functions during the year. Do invite folks with an autism child too. Ask them how best you can help to ensure both child and parents enjoy the event. Not all autistic children break things, but if you know the particular child you are inviting does break, rather move the breakables out of his reach than shun his family.  And don’t compare that child with your own.