Celebrating my strange connection with Black aka Colin Vearncombe

Black aka Colin Vearncombe (Picture from his Facebook page)

 (26 May 1962 – 26 January 2016)

Everyone has that song that takes them back to an occasion and makes them either smile or feel a pang of nostalgia or pain. For me, that song is Wonderful Life by Black aka Colin Vearncombe. I actually don’t remember how that song found me. What I do remember, though, is that it was when I suffered some misfortune far away from home and all alone in October 2012. I added it to my playlist on YouTube and played it over and over again. It was like a special message that Black had for me. Of the views that the video carries on the platform, a few hundred could be mine J . That track carried me through one of the most difficult times of my life, and every time I felt tears threatening to well up, I’d play it and immediately felt better.

It got to a point where I had such a strong connection with the song that I felt like I knew Black personally. Like I’d one day meet him on the street or I’d find an email from him asking to meet for a cuppa and ask, “So Charlotte,how are you feeling today?” I know it sounds crazy; it probably is! But sometimes when you're in a bad emotional place, you need something to hold on to. I held on to Wonderful Life. Music speaks to me. I was very heartbroken💔 to hear of his death in January 2016, just a few days after it happened. I had visited the video again and saw a comment, “Rest in peace Colin Vearncombe.” I wondered who that was and googled the name, only to realise that was Black’s real name. Oh I was gutted! Then today I was playing that song again on YouTube and realised it was the first anniversary of his death (must be that special connection again that took me there!😉). I continue to be sad. He still had a lot to offer to the world. Because of the connection I felt with him through his song, I worried about his family and how they were coping with their loss. I pray they are fine. I did manage to write in his memory book on his website, and feel good about that. Thank you Black for the lovely music. May your soul rest in eternal peace. May the Lord keep his family strong❤💓.

Be Autism Aware in 2017

I am looking forward to another year of highlighting issues affecting individuals with autism and their families. There are still many people who don’t know what autism is, and that is unfortunate seeing it’s a condition affecting quite a sizeable population in the Kingdom of Swaziland. Hopefully as the year progresses, that number dwindles as well.  When people are informed about the condition, they won’t be compelled to judge harshly when they encounter affected individuals. Also, many parents are struggling with their children at home and not seeking intervention because they don’t even know their children have autism. Please take time to read up the condition. There are countless online resources; you never know when that information might come in handy. 

One day, Simphiwe*, whose son is autistic, was at a community meeting in Ngculwini when a woman called out to her, “Make wemntfwana longaphile engcondvweni!” (Hey mother of the mentally ill child!") Simphiwe said she was heartbroken by those words and did not understand why that woman had simply not asked for her name. That’s how bad things can get when you come across grossly insensitive and uninformed people.

It’s not just strangers that stick daggers into the hearts of parents with autistic children. Loved ones also do it. The festive season is one of the most awaited times of the year when families get together and be merry. For families affected by autism, it is usually a trying time.  It is hard to participate in family and social gatherings because sometimes autism comes with hyperactivity, sensory issues and poor social skills. If the music is too loud, or the crowd too big, the autistic child can have a meltdown or spend the day with his hands over his ears. If you are the parent of such a child, it is difficult to turn a blind eye to this and just have fun. You end up also having a distressful day either trying to quell the meltdown or make your child comfortable if he’s in distress. Given a choice of whether to spend the day in the company of family yet not partaking in any of the activities because you have to keep an eye on your child, and just staying at home where the child is used to his surroundings, most parents would choose the latter. You stay at home with your child, you don’t have to spend the day explaining his behaviour to anyone, and your child is calmer because he is in his own turf. It does get lonely, though. Sometimes staying away from functions can also be imposed on the family of the autistic child. People might never want to invite you again for fear that your child might break things or disturb the peace, be the “party pooper”, basically.

At family functions there will always be that aunt who will shout in front of everyone that if you spare the rod you spoil the child, but people need to understand that no amount of beating will control the negative behaviours that emanate from autism. It is a developmental problem, not a parenting one. A Mbabane mother to an autistic girl said even though she was naturally a sociable person, her child’s condition had transformed her into an antisocial person. “If I go to a family gathering and people are trying to converse with my daughter, how many people am I going to explain to that, no she can’t have a conversation?” Between managing your child’s behaviour and swallowing the lump on your throat caused by all stinging comments being fired in your direction, there is usually not enough time and energy to explain things.

Family gatherings are also the time when family members share snippets of how well their children are doing at school, what sports they are excelling at, and the clever things they say. Meanwhile, you might still be trying to toilet-train a 6-year-old or trying to teach an 8-year-old to say “mum” or wave properly. (Many children with autism take long to learn to use the toilet. An article on Autism Speaks website attributed this to the general developmental delay that many of them have, difficulty in breaking the long-established routine of wearing diapers, and communication challenges. Some children with autism also have delayed speech, with some finding their voices as late as 8 or 9 years of age or never speaking at all.)

Sitting in the middle of people exchanging progress reports about their typical children is bound to make the parent of an autistic child left out and feeling sorry for him/herself and their challenged offspring. The progress reports are not even the worst of it. Things start to get really ugly when people start to compare their children with your autistic one. I remember a time when my own son was about 4 years old and still had a vocabulary of about 15 words. A friend, whose son was less than 2 years old, dropped by and went on and on about the intelligent things her son was already saying and how very balanced he was for a little person his age. When she ran out of her stories, she ‘modestly’ said, “Oh listen to me going on about my clever child to a person whose son can’t say anything!”

Of course the festive season is gone, but there are still birthdays and other smaller functions during the year. Do invite folks with an autism child too. Ask them how best you can help to ensure both child and parents enjoy the event. Not all autistic children break things, but if you know the particular child you are inviting does break, rather move the breakables out of his reach than shun his family.  And don’t compare that child with your own.

Brownies & Downies - A good model to emulate

Some schools have already opened now and in the swing of things, while the rest will be opening this week. Shopping malls are still a hive of activity with last minute shopping for school requirements such a stationery and uniforms. Parents subject themselves to all the expenses because they see light at the end of the tunnel. They want their children to get everything they need, get good grades and make wise career choices. For children with intellectual disabilities, however, there is a lot of uncertainty regarding where to go after they are done with their high schools studies, sometimes even their primary education, if at all they make it to school to begin with. Not everyone with intellectual challenges has the capacity to enroll for high schools studies. On the other hand, there are many that qualify for high school and even tertiary, yet the educational system is not that accommodating. For the few that do manage to study, the employment market can be very hostile and they might still find themselves twiddling thumbs with no job opportunities.

Employers are usually scared, unwilling, or mistrustful to hire people with disabilities. Two people in Veghel, the Netherlands, came up with a brilliant idea to avail employment opportunities for people with intellectual disabilities. Teun Horck, a chef, and Thijs Swinkels, a special needs teacher, realised that not many people with disabilities were employed in the hospitality sector, and decided to change this. In 2010, they started Brownies & Downies in their home country and the concept soon spread to surrounding European countries. The franchise has since grown by close to 30 stores in the Netherlands. It has even come very close to our own shores – in Cape Town South Africa.

Brownies & Downies is a training centre, in the form of a coffee shop and lunchroom, for people with intellectual disabilities ranging from fetal alcohol syndrome, autism, Down syndrome, to other learning disabilities. Their website states that it is “a vessel to create change and acceptance in the South African culture. Special needs young adults are trained to be employable in the hospitality, service and retail sectors. The Cape Town outlet was started by Wendy Vermeulen, a young woman who initially came to South Africa from the Netherlands, and also noted the lack of employment opportunities for people with intellectual disabilities.

Parents whose children need training phone the shop or email Vermeulen, then meet her at for an assessment of their age and interests. They are then added to the waiting list for training. Schools also sometimes approach the shop for their learners. Brownies & Downies tries to find job placement for the trainees, but some of them come for the training while they are still studying. “So far we have placed 3 people into real jobs at spar. And hopefully we will place some more of young adults in the work field very soon,” said Vermeulen.

She said in the beginning some of the trainees were shy but after a while, their confidence grew. “It is really great to see the trainees opening up and enjoying their work in the coffee shop.”  Regarding how customers react to being waited on by people with intellectual disabilities, she said, “99% of the customers are fine, they absolutely love it. But you always have the odd one who is rude to them or things like that.”

The biggest challenge faced by the establishment, according to Vermeulen, is the lack of knowledge that people have about people with intellectual disabilities, adding that having the young adults working in the coffee shop was good sensitization that people with disabilities can actually do something, they can work; contrary to what some people think.

Going through social media, there appears to be very happy customers for Brownies and Downies, with one hash-tagging #findingabilityindisability. However, some people have misgivings with the name. Name notwithstanding, it is a powerful concept that is helping to change perceptions and put people with intellectual disabilities in circulation with broader society, while taking charge of their lives by being professionals.

I believe the Brownies and Downies concept is doable even here, and not just for the hospitality sector. It could be in mechanics, retail, crafts, fashion, anything. People with intellectual disabilities have their own interests and some of them are exceptionally gifted. Unfortunately in most cases they are not consulted about their own lives, or parents and teachers alike might not take time to observe their areas of interest. Decisions are made for them. Some parents would rather channel financial resources to their typical children who they feel stand a chance of getting employed. Atypical children also need that chance to do what they love and lead fulfilling lives.

Medical and educational experts say early intervention for children with intellectual disabilities can work wonders to improve their condition. If you want such a child to go to work someday, you need to ensure they get the necessary medical care such as therapy, and attend school so that they can learn to take instruction and work within set routines with other people. But for them to go to school, the schools would need to be available and equipped to deal with their respective conditions.

Vermeulen said Brownies & Downies were thinking of expanding and maybe even franchising. Who knows, maybe someone with a big heart is reading this and we might have our own Brownies & Downies in Swaziland and change a few lives and perceptions. Regarding how employers usually shun employing people with disabilities, Wendy encouraged them to take a chance. “Just open your heart and see what amazing people they are. They are just like anybody else. A lot of times, in my experience, even better!” said Vermeulen. If you happen to be in Cape Town and in need of a bite, Brownies and Downies are located in Shop 7, 2 Long Street. 

Getting a gift that will be treasured

Christmas entertainment at Eastgate Mall,
Johannesburg, South Africa

Happy 2017 everyone! Sorry for the hiatus. I promise to write at least two or three times a month this year. Hope you work to make all that you wish for come to fruition this year instead of just noting things down then sitting in anticipation. Reminds me of Sydney Youngblood’s song Sit and Wait. I had to take about 20 minutes break to share the song on my Facebook and dance to it a little. I last listened to it donkey years ago.

The festive season has come and gone. For me it signifies family time, relaxing, spirituality, and a general sense of goodwill. Before 2016 I used to see Christmas time as a time to eat sweet and rich food without restraint, but I was more disciplined this time around. I shouldn’t reward myself with food as if I’m a dog, right? I had a normal meal and was OK with that. I like getting gifts for people for important dates like Christmas, so I did get some for the significant people in my life.

Presentation of gifts has redeeming or dog-box factors

Before I get anyone a gift, I actually reflect on it, especially if it’s a grown up and someone quite important to me. I think about it for days or even weeks. Sometimes I even buy gifts months in advance. I think about the value of that gift in that person’s life. I don’t just buy something that would make someone feel I was rolling my eyes and saying, “Let’s get this sh*t over and done with.” I buy as a statement to the recipients. I want them to feel special; to look at that present and feel my love. I want to get a present that makes someone see that I did put some thought into it. For instance, a woman from my network asked for help with Christmas gifts for disadvantaged teenage girls. I decided to take part in her initiative and bought essentials like sanitary pads, bath soap, deodorant, handbag, and a few more basics. It would not have made sense to buy a jigsaw puzzle or teddy bear for such a project. My uncle Ben Bofu once told me a story about donors that came to a disadvantaged mosquito-infested community bearing mosquito nets. The villagers thanked them and used to the nets to trap fish from their river. They were not worried about mosquito bites but about their families’ rumbling stomachs. The donors had been generous, but clearly had not thought about what this community needed, what it would appreciate.

I also bought a beaded necklace and earrings for a lovely cousin that taught me to love earrings. They were not expensive, but I knew the kind of gift that would connect us and onethat she would value. I have things in my possession that when I look at I feel nostalgic and hold them close to my heart thinking, “ Aw! So and so!” Gifts are an emotional thing for me. They don’t have to be expensive, but they need to have a soul in them, they need to be treasured. I would honestly rather not get a gift than get one that makes me feel depreciated, not appreciated.

I will list the Top 6 gifts that would do it for me. They are not in their order of importance:

The Body Shop Products

1. Gift card from The Body Shop or Clicks
2. Deodorant with a sweet, fruity scent
3. Good, powerful camera
4. The newest book by my favourite author
5. A collection, even a CD by one of my favourite musicians
6. A dress that fits perfectly (It does count where you buy it from. I did mention that my gifts don’t have to be expensive, but if they are from a significant other, I know what he can afford! It’s better to buy something cheap that would be appreciated than something big that does not tug a heartstring. I think someone should get a gift that they would not be ashamed to declare to the world that I got such or such a thing from such and such a place.)

I read on a Wikihow on getting the best present for someone and among other things, the page said, “However you go about it, a gift that shows that you spent time thinking about her or paying attention to her will be more greatly appreciated even if it turns out that she doesn’t like the gift itself. Present the gift – even a potentially bad gift can be saved with correct presentation.”

I took to my whatsapp streets and consulted a few people on what gifts they would appreciate. Read and enjoy!

Susan – I assume if it’s a new relationship people are still sizing each other up and trying to figure what one likes, scents and styles so there will be room for errors. But after some years when you know each other from discussing and knowing each other’s standards it’s only smart that you find diplomatic ways of investigating what one is burning for or from just discussions it’s easy to pick cues on what your partner wants. Like I heard ‘him’ mentioning leather bags for computers with shoulder cross-over thing. I didn’t buy because I can’t afford but will keep an eye on sales. I mentioned headphones and want good quality. So if you see someone buying knitting needles when I’ve been singing about headphones, I will be pissed off. With my man, I’m free to mention that I have spent within a specific range for his gift so that he can also stay within that range or feel free to go way up. I realised I had to say it after he bought from H & M when I had coughed up quite a bit sometime last year. So agreeing that we should get gifts not less than $50 could be a good thing, or writing a wish list. There is a site you can register with family members and those close to you will know what you actually want so that you don’t end up buying stuff that won’t be appreciated. When I got the H&M I gave it to his daughter – told him H&M is for young girls in high school (rolls eyes four times) and I never got H&M again. Not to put myself in some fake class by refusing that gift but I know he can afford better and has taste so why dzikisira (debase) me like that. What you accept is what will continue so I put a stop before atambarara (he went to far). Just raising my standards; that’s all.

The Fairmont Zimbali Resort, Durban, South Africa

Leslie – any effort to get me something would make me happy. I never look at a present as something I don’t like. I cherish the thought more than the actual item. Even if he got from some low-class shop, the fact that he stopped and thought, “Let me get Les something,” zvakatokwana zvakadaro (it’s good like that). Handidi hangu kunyepa asi ndikazoshaya (I don’t wanna lie but if I don’t get any present at all) present zvachose with no explanation panofiwa (someone is dead meat). Creativity with presents is a gift, that’s what I think. Some people battle and others find it easy. Ndakamboudzwa neimwe mbuya kuti hanzi kana akauya akabata newspaper tambura uchitenda nemufaro. Kana benzi rinotozonyara chete. (An old woman once advised me that even if he comes bearing a newspaper as a gift, receive it graciously. Even if he’s an idiot, he would eventually feel embarrassed.) I thought that was valuable advice. I guess I have a very weird way of looking at things. I try not to build expectations or a standard around people. I think that by doing that you will always be disappointed.

Tatenda – For presents I love jewelry and spa treatments and holidays if someone really wants to spoil me. I have gotten lousy presents before, the worst being a face cloth with sewing needles and some sewing thread. I hardly know how to sew. I made the mistake of not telling the person. I accepted their gift but they had not put any thought or effort into it. Needless to say, the relationship did not last but imagine if it had. If would mean probably getting lousy presents all the time. So now I think you accept the gift but lovingly tell them you didn’t like it.

Patricia – I prefer useful presents or a voucher which I can use to buy what I need no matter how small. I don’t mind gifts from chain stores, but it also means if I want a MacBook Air he should also buy because I need it. I didn’t get a Christmas present at all yet I bought him a nice one. I haven’t asked him yet because I’m still shocked. Don’t even know how to ask.

View from Moses Mabhidha Stadium, Durban, South Africa

Sihle – I am not really particular about presents but what I can tell you for sure is I like eating out, travelling and visiting places with my family. If my husband bought me something from a cheap chain store, it would not be a problem if it is nice. I’m not bothered by the shop.

Progress – if I got a present I disliked I would smile and say thank you (if it was hubby). Anyone else id sell it of its value or pass it on.

Priscilla – I don’t know what to say about presents! I rarely get those. In an ideal world I would appreciate being given something I cherish: a book by my favourite author maybe. If I get something I don’t like I would gracefully accept it, knowing someone went to a lot of effort to get it for me. If my husband got me a gift from some cheap store, then it shows the value he places on me and our relationship.