A Letter to my 18-year-old self

The 2^nd of August was my 35th birthday. I’ve seen heads of states being interviewed on their birthdays. Since it strongly looks like I’m not important enough for anyone to ever want to interview me on mine, I will do that myself. And why the hell not? I also have an opinion.

My interview of myself is in the form of A letter to my 18-year-old self. 

Dear Carlotta

When we are young, as you are, we envisage a life full of excitement and fulfilled dreams. In reality, growing up is not that much fun. It comes with a host of problems that are difficult to solve. At your age, when the going gets tough, all you need to do is run to your parents and they will pull out all the stops to ensure your problems are solved. When you are older, you will have to figure things out by yourself, you will also have your own children running to you so that you can pull out the stops for them.

Some of the problems you will encounter in life will emanate from decisions that you make now. So think carefully about the choices you make at this stage of your life. Select your friends carefully, they should be good and few. You gain nothing by trying to fit in, or being a member of a clique. It is of paramount importance that you view the world with your own eyes. Don’t hate someone because someone close to you thinks that person is bad, neither should you befriend people who other people think are wonderful. Use your own discretion to rate people, foster your own relationships.No matter who you hang with, be yourself. Don’t allow your ideals to be overshadowed by your sisters, friends, parents, husband, or whoever. The world is full of bullies, multitudes of them. There are people who get by by stepping on other people’s heads to get where they want to go, but don’t back down when you feel strongly about something. I believe we stand out as individuals because of the unique way we perceive the world, so fight tooth and nail for what you believe in.

Even though you have to stand firm by your beliefs, being rigid is not always a good thing. There are times when you have to be flexible enough not to insist on having things your way, but mostly only to people who also make compromises when it comes to you. There has to be a balance. Like ticks, some people will take, take, take, from you, and one day you sit down to think and realize, “Oh my God, they never give!”

When life’s problems come, don’t be too quick to consult other people on how to solve them. Go with your gut. People can be really mean. They come dressed and smelling like sheep when they are actually wolves beneath all that. Not everyone who smiles at you has your best interests at heart. In the process of trying to solve your problems, you might end up making lots of mistakes. If you do, well, hope you learn from them. Rather make your own than go through life blaming other people for giving you bad advice. Some people act all helpful but gossip and laugh at you behind your back. Your distress could serve as entertainment in some quarters.  And some people like giving advice that they wouldn’t use if they were confronted with a similar problem, advice that will come back to bite you in the butt.

When calamities come, and they will surely come in their dozens as you grow older, keep calm. You will be able to work out solutions when you sit down quietly and think. Don’t fly around like a headless chicken, the vultures that are ever hovering will spot you and descend on you to prey on your weaknesses. Solve your problems from the root. Merely scratching the surface is like painting a house to cover up the cracks. Old sins cast long shadows. One day those cracks will rear their ugly head; much wider, deeper and harder, if not impossible to fix. Be your number one fan. You can’t support things that are unappealing, so be the best that you can be by making healthy choices. Find a hobby that you are passionate about. That way, you won’t be desperate for company and your happiness will not be dependent on somebody else.  Exercise and eat healthily – a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips Pic by Ni Shu

Start at your age, it’s easier that way. Growing up, make-up was associated with prostitutes, but don’t be intimidated. Invest in a good bright lipstick, foundation, eyeliner, and good hairstyles because when you look good, you feel good about yourself. But cosmetics cost money, so you will have to work hard to be able to afford the good things in life, no freeloading. Don’t be a kept woman, not even if you marry a billionaire who persuades you to stay at home so that he can look after you. Most men want women to depend on them financially so that they can keep them under their thumbs, keep them dangling on a string and control their movements like they are handling puppets. You did not go to school to learn how to play cheerleader to somebody else’s career.

Earning your own money will ensure that you are self-sustaining and won’t have to knock on people’s doors or spread your legs for disgusting men as most girls your age do to get money. Live within your means. Human beings usually have ulterior motives when they give assistance. A lot of aid comes with conditions attached. Read Robert Mugabe’s speeches about Western Aid to Africa.You will be expected to be eternally grateful, and in some instances, every willing and unwilling audience will be told how you would have come to nothing if you hadn’t received that help.

Run your own race – don’t use other people’s achievements as a standard by which you should measure your own success. You don’t know their story and how they got to be where they are, maybe they had to kill someone or sell their souls to the devil. In line with this, read the Desiderata and commit those wise words to heart.

You won’t always get what you want in life. If what you want doesn’t come your way, rather than wallow in self-pity, take what you can get. There are usually other options in life, even though some of them might be unorthodox. You have but one life, no rewinds, no second takes, so you have to make it count. You have your own place under the sun and don’t really owe any explanation to anyone, except those that treasure you and have your best interest at heart. Having to prove yourself, fight for your place in other people’s lives or prove other people wrong is strenuous.

There comes a time in life when we have to shed some people from our lives regardless of how close we were to them for years, the way snakes shed their old skin, the way we shed unwanted weight. Yes, that’s what some people are, excess baggage we need like we need a hole in the head. You must never ever impose yourself on people who don’t appreciate you. Rather spend as much time as possible with those who think the world of you. Being around people who exude negative energy is rather toxic and will make you second-guess yourself, tip-toe on eggshells to avoid offending them. Trust me, regardless of how good you act around them, these people will always find something to criticize and make you feel small and unsure of yourself.

People who overtly show you that they don’t want you around them are saints in comparison to those that come into your life convincingly calling themselves your friends. When you look closely, you won’t find anything friendly about them. Sometimes they just want to criticize everything you do, or they just want to be under your skin, in your hair, everywhere, until you begin for feel claustrophobic. They are like vampires that will sap your energy till you want to run for the mountains. Yet usually, it’s people like these that have acute insecurities of their own and believe their candles will shine brighter when they blow out yours.  Don’t allow them,don’t be shy to rectify the mistake you made befriending them by running for your life!

Then there are those that radiate rays of sunshine on the gloomiest days and give real meaning to life. Hang on to these ones and never let go. There are people that make you wish you had enough resources to clone them so that you can have your very own certified copy of the original that you won’t have to share with anyone. When you meet people like these, don’t be a parasite. Smother them with your love as you also absorb what they give to you. Take as much love as you can get when you find fountains of it, bath in it, slurp it, eat it and store lots of it in your reserve tanks for rainy days. There will be days when you look left, right and centre and can’t find love. This would be the time to ruminate all that you had before to minimize the sadness. As they say, better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Too much clutter leads to a chaotic life. Don’t hang on to stuff you don’t need, small clothes that you think you will fit into one day, books that you think will be useful in future, and especially men that debase you. A man that has a roving dick, who after cheating on you, turns around and says, “Babe, I love you, I didn’t mean to hurt you, it was a genuine mistake,” deserves to be kicked in the teeth. You should ask him, “You love me so much you had to demonstrate that by going to bed or to sofa with another woman? A genuine mistake like breaking your mother’s dinner plates, like you are just walking, minding your own business and you trip and fall and find yourself naked on top of another woman with your genitals entangled? Please talk to the hand!” Cheating is never a mistake, it’s always premeditated.

Speaking of men, you come from a culture that believes you should hang on to your virginity like your life depends on it and preserve it for the precious man who will marry you. That’s really crappy advice if you ask me, because in our scandalously patriarchal society your future husband is certainly not getting the same advice. If anything, he’s busy deflowering other people’s future wives.  If you want to keep your virginity, do it for yourself, not for some faceless man. Keeping your virginity is by no means your ticket to marital bliss. Women still get cheated on, physically and emotionally abused, among other marital atrocities, even if they were virgins when they met their husbands.  If you want to lose your virginity, do it for yourself and in your own time, on your own terms because it’s yours. Sleeping with someone because you are afraid of losing them is making yourself cheap. You will still lose him if he’s not supposed to stay.  If you don’t want to, that ought to be respected. If the guy doesn’t, then move on quickly.

It is, however, wise to delay the onset of sex. They say you have to kiss a few toads before you meet the prince. A few years from now you will look back at the people you dated. Trust me you will gag and ask yourself, “What the hell was I doing with a hobgoblin like that?” You will hate yourself if you slept with a toad. Life is a gamble, you can also discover much later that you let the man of your dreams slip through your fingers and stuck with the one of your nightmares. It’s all about sleeping with one eye open and having eyes at the back of your head when dealing with me. You also need to have a good relationship with God so that he can lead you to the right one.

One of my favourite hymns is Brighten the Corner Where You Are by Ina D. Ogdon. Some of the words go:

Someone far from harbour you might guide across the bar…

Just above are clouded skies that you may help to clear

Brighten the corner, where you are…

You’ve been blessed with some very wonderful people in your life, people who will never turn their backs on you, your angels without wings. Be that to other people. Make people believe there’s God because of what you do for them.  But as you do so, remember the line between being helpful and being taken for a ride can be notoriously thin.

It is good to be kind and helpful to others, but take care of Number One first. There are times when it’s perfectly OK to be selfish. You might neglect your own interests for other people’s sake, but when stuff hits the fan, you will realize that those same people don’t give too hoots about your issues.  Trying to act all saintly to others while your own life is in jeopardy is tantamount to shooting yourself in the foot. Don’t fight the fire at your neighbour’s house while your own house burns down.

With lots of love

Older, wiser, more hardcore Carlotta