The birthday cake

This year I decided that I would not buy birthday cakes. I wanted to save, and wasn’t going to spend money on things I could do myself. In January, my friend sent money for my son’s cake and I thought I would be misappropriating funds if I didn’t use it for its intended purpose, so we bought the cake. In February I baked the cake for my husband’s birthday, which turned out to be a catastrophe. I was going to bake one for myself too in August, but my husband had already ordered from a shop. On my daughter’s second birthday in November, I decided to stick to my resolution and baked a nice red velvet cake. I could see my husband was worried when I declared I would bake again, but for the sake of world peace he decided to zip it. I do very well when I have a recipe. Unfortunately I cannot ice a cake to save my life. I had all the ingredients for butter icing with me but just could not crack it. It did not help that temperatures were extremely high on the day, in their 40s and the icing just dripped left right and centre. There was more of it on the tray than on the cake.

Still we were able to put two little candles on it, placed the birthday girl next to it and she led us in singing “Happy birthday to you!” She wasn’t even aware that she had the ugliest birthday cake in the world. She was happy. So was I. Even though I was a little embarrassed about my atrocious handiwork, seeing her look so joyous, quite oblivious of my misgivings really melted my heart, I guess in the same way the icing melted from the cake. Although it wasn't easy on the eye, it was quite nice and fluffy inside.

Hopefully when she is 21, and looks at that cake my daughter won’t roll her eyes and say, “Duh that cake is like so ghastly! Why didn’t you just buy one?” I hope the message she gets from that cake is it was made with love, and Mum is a fighter. She must have known she wasn’t good at icing but that didn’t stop her from trying.

As the year draws to a close, I still vow not to buy birthday cakes next year. I will find someone to teach me how to ice properly so that my kids never feel they have to hide birthday pictures because of the hideous cakes mummy made.  

Marrying wisely

Almost on a daily basis, there are reports in Swazi papers regarding vicious crimes of passion. Mostly it’s the men stabbing the women they have been in relationships with for a long time. It is hard to believe that all these things are happening to people who once lost sleep over each other, wanting to be together, but eventually got to a point where one loses sleep and sanity fearing for her life while the other loses sleep cogitating how to make the woman pay for whatever offences he thinks she committed.

I just keep wondering where people go wrong when choosing people to get married to or share their lives with. Do some carry out some form of assessment of they just fall into it without much consideration, like I did? I never got much counselling from anyone, except a nun, believe it or not. 
Knowing what I know now, I would say marrying wisely can happen, but there are a lot of factors that make it almost impossible, especially in the society I come from. People, especially women, are usually bullied into marriages they are not ready for. When you reach a certain age, people won’t just get off your back. They keep bugging you about when you are going to get married. People aren’t concerned about your happiness, they just want you to get married because “everyone should get married.” When the marriage begins collapsing they force you to hold on “for the children’s sake”, tell you that divorce is a sin, all marriages are like that.

Because of all these societal prescriptions, many people are trapped and frustrated, which has seen a rise in crimes of passion, HIV infection as people stray from partners they don’t love anymore but feel compelled to stay with, and suicides. There are people who would rather die than face another day in the presence of someone they picked for themselves, all because they probably did not put much thought into one of the biggest steps of their lives. That sucks. Premarital counselling would really help prepare young people for marriage, but the problem with our patriarchal society is that all attention is on the girl to go out there and make her husband happy, while men get little or no guidance to make marriages work.  They just go thru life thinking women are supposed to serve them while they cheat, drink and shout at their wives like strong African men and everything is honky dory. A man is deemed to be successful if he is gainfully employed and can provide materially for his family, while for a woman it means acquiring a husband who can look after her, and holding on to him like her life depends on it. it doesn’t matter if she has acquired six degrees, if she doesn’t have a man by her side to take home to mama, society would want to judge her harshly and say, “But…”

For me marrying wisely would involve marrying someone you can call a friend. Ask questions about his vision in life, what are his aspirations, where does he stand in his spiritual life? What might look like small things usually become really big mountains that can send your marriage toppling over later in life. Look out for how that person treats you in private and especially in public spaces. Be with someone who never makes you feel small. An ambitious person is a good catch because there’s nothing appealing about stagnating in life. Some people, however, are so ambitious that they will trample on everyone’s head and dreams, including yours, just so they can go up the ladder. They will even kick you down to the bottom so that you never catch them and they are the only ones on top of the pyramid. Look out for the signs. Then there are the unaspiring ones who will want to pull you to the bottom of the ladder so that you can’t upstage them. They want you to flush your aspirations down the gutter then you can vegetate together. You need all your wits around you when you choose a marriage partner.

I asked my friends what they thought marrying wisely involved and got very interesting responses. Evidently people have varying opinions on what marrying wisely entails, and that must be the reason why most marriages end up drowning. Spouses’ expectations of each other might not correspond; the man might feel marrying wisely means having a woman who knows I’m boss, stays at home to support my career and waits on me hand and foot, while the wife might feel marrying wisely involves having a husband who supports her as she climb the corporate ladder, a man who doesn’t act like a puppet master. If the two don’t find common ground, before long they end up butting heads. Read on…

The Cynical

Edith** – You are asking the wrong person, Hun. I thought I married wisely – twice around – look at me now. I also need to know maybe then I can get it right in my next life lol. I learnt nothing from my marriages other than that appearances can be deceiving.

Cecilia** - There's no such thing as marrying wisely. Being wise is avoiding it altogether.

Susan – Wisely doesn’t work, it’s just luck. The wise thing is not to marry. Be with someone when you have means to take care of yourself and that someone can take care of himself too. Someone who can live and let live, with a sense of humour, shares some of your passions. Preferably if you have been together for some time so you know him better.  But the wisest thing is financial independence. On its own it can’t make one happy, but it gives a lot of leverage and options.

Vision – One can never marry wisely. It’s just God’s grace we pray for to land the right partner, and lots of hard work to make a relationship sustain. Marrying wisely is marrying my wife! It’s more luck than strategy really. 

Dorcas – Haha I don’t think there’s any such thing because we all constantly change over time. I think it’s God’s case.

Tsitsi – Marrying wisely??? That’s God’s case.

Samuel – Wow, is there anything like that? I know that hindsight knowledge teaches you otherwise or qualifies people to say you married wisely.

Fortunate – Marriage is about an individual, how much you are willing to sacrifice to make it work. There is nothing like marrying wisely.

Cleo** – I feel marrying wisely doesn’t exist. I have seen the worst of marriages. Many people change after marriage. Cheating seems to be the norm nowadays. People can’t just be trusted.

Hazel – I think marrying a kind, forgiving and God-fearing person is wise. Unfortunately even if you think you are choosing your partner wisely and make what everyone would say is a good choice, you can never be sure, because these people (men) can change on you. Rinonyenga rinohwarara, isn’t it? On Christian programs I have heard lots of stories of women who married guys who seemed like good Godly men who then transformed into devils after the wedding or some years into the marriage. So I think in the end it is a combination of choosing as wisely as you can, prayer and luck.

The philosophers

Chiz – I guess people need to date long enough to have a good understanding of each other before marriage. Things like religion, likes, and dislikes, the other   person’s temperament in general are very crucial.  People should be able to move away if they find any faults while dating rather than compromising and hoping they will change after marriage. I didn’t consider all that when I got married, but was fortunate enough to find the right one. In other words, if I knew then what I know now, I would have considered those things and would still have married my wife.

Daniel – marrying wisely is getting someone who is intellectually compatible with you, whereby you can have a discussion or argument but still understand each other. This, however, should be sealed with love otherwise it will be a disaster. A wise loving partner should know what to say, when to say it and how to say it.

Farie – I think marrying someone whom you can gain something positive from, someone who will build you up, inspire and strengthen you is wise. You should avoid someone with a lot of negativity which will eventually bring you down. In other words, get to know the person’s vision. A man or woman without a vision will just live a life without purpose and I likely to go round in circles. Unfortunately I didn’t think of all that before I got married kkkk.

Chido – I was never a material person. I think marrying wisely, the first thing are you in love with that person, compatibility do you feel good around that person or you have to do everything to please them. Can you be angry at them when they make you cross or you just smile? Do you enjoy same hobbies or you just go and watch soccer on telly to please them. I think if you marry a person who ticks on all those above you have done wisely.

Nondumiso – I think marrying wisely is marrying someone you have known for a while before falling in love with – you share the same interests and ideals.

Greatman – marrying wisely is marrying someone you love, understand their life vision, and accept their weaknesses, marrying someone who has desire and economic potential to achieve. Above all, it means marrying someone who understands God.

Vitalis – if I had to tell my child about marrying wisely I’d ask, does your chick love you? Are you in love, are you friends? What makes you think she loves you? Why do you love her? It is a whole lot of defining what love is or is not! What is your future together like? I would ask, “If we removed the beauty and material things, would you still love her?”

The spiritual

 “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain.” Psalm 127:1

Sihle – I think marrying wisely largely looks at one’s beliefs. Have they received Christ? If they have and are walking with Christ and they have a desire to try and live by the word of God, the biggest challenge has been covered. How do they conduct their life? If their dealings and how they conduct their day to day shows their Christian beliefs, then chances are your marriage will be ok because they can exercise restraint. Respect for parents? Yes there are parents who are bad news but I believe that even if they are witches, the fact that they did not devour you should make you respect them for who they are.  If he doesn’t look after his parents, don’t think he would think yours need to be helped. If we go to the word of God, we are required to honour our parents and there are no set conditions. I think attraction also has its place. You don’t want to wake up 20 years later and think, what the hell did I do? I am not really concerned about his financial status because I know that God is in the business of blessing people. God can bless you even if you are uneducated. Not saying that education should not be considered, but just saying even without it, God can still raise one up. So the person should hard working and not lazy.

Peace – Biblically Proverbs 31, a respectable person is a total package. Respectability then can be unpacked based on cultural, social, spiritual, economic standing.

Anesu – I think marrying wisely entails understanding biblical marriage; look to God to give you the right mate, know what you are looking for, be sure you really know each other, and take all the time you need to choose the right one.

The clued-up

Rejoice – Marrying someone with a good heart, who is organized, with potential to improve himself. Don’t just fall into relationships with men who abuse you, lie to you, cheat on you and are stingy even when you are still dating thinking they will change after marriage. You should do quick screening. Most people put money first, but without love, it comes at a price. Don’t settle for a garden boy, you need to be sure there is growth potential here.

Ngoni – It is marrying someone with potential and you are comfortable with.

Moreblessing – Well, I believe when one makes the decision it has to be after weighing many things – love, level of companionship, financial stability/potential for growth, does the person fit in your vision? You don’t just marry blindly.

Fortunate – Marrying wisely means marrying someone who is financially stable. Most of the problems start where money is short.  And of course, marrying someone you love. Most difficult situations are neutralized because you love someone. So for me love is very important, but financially we just need to be stable.

Senelisiwe – Marrying wisely to me means landing a husband who will ensure that you are financially secure for life…who even after divorce will leave you richer than he found you. It’s finding a man who makes more money than you can spend…that’s wisdom kkkk. It has always been said that money cannot buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Hummer than on a bicycle. I’m sure the ideal answer is that wisdom is marrying a guy who genuinely loves you unconditionally and respects you. Call me materialistic, but I still stick to my view.

Mary – I think marrying wisely entails getting what you set out as what set out as what you wanted to start with, and more. I like to be a kept woman, I know all feminists are going to make some noise, but that’s what I like. I wouldn’t mind to be Grace Mugabe. Arguments will always be there in marriage, however, I would like to be able to console myself by using his credit card instead of going to the corner shop and getting a kitkat. I love being loved. I tend to reciprocate what I get. A good marriage for me would have children.

The matter-of-fact

Jasper – marrying wisely means knowing the behaviour and morals of your partner before committing to each other. It means knowing of his or her past, plans in life, and the kind of people he or she associates with.

Rumbi – know what you want, and learn from success and failure. Some people don’t know what they want.

Tatenda – I think you need to be compatible religion wise, be friends, be compatible vision wise and age wise.

Fay – marrying someone you know and who you have a base of friendship with.

Uncle Ben – you don’t marry wisely when you are already married.  It is about taking time to know one another before you engage into marriage gear, because once you get into it, it is difficult to get out.

Faith – marriage depends on the person you are dating. Some decisions taken are not wise at all. Most people just get married for the sake of it, but being married to someone who respects and adores you is a wise way to go.

** names changed

Beautiful Mauritius!

 In August I had the opportunity to visit Mauritius for the first time. It has taken me a long time to finally do this write-up. Thank God i kept my notes. I had only ever read about Mauritius as a splendid holiday destination and never imagined I would go there anytime soon. How breathtaking the place is I can never really put in words.

I will definitely remember the country for the serenity that I found at the beach, all alone, and its companionable taxi drivers, the most awesome of them being Mendra Moonsamy. He took us around the island and was full of entertaining stories, like the history of the now extinct Dodo. He was very well-informed about the places of interest and had the warmest heart I’ve ever seen in a stranger, let alone a taxi driver.

The shops at Bagatelle Shopping mall disappointed me because they are mostly the same as the South African ones,  talk of Spur, Woolworths, Foschini, Bata, Panarottis, MacDonald’s, Food Lovers Market, and the like.  I was hoping to find more shops with exotic clothing and food I wouldn’t find anywhere else in the world, but alas…

Tea-tasting at Bois Cheri

There as stiff competition among restaurants at Bagatelle. On my first evening there we ate at Sitar, an Indian restaurant. I had seen the name before at Cresta shopping Mall in South Africa, but had never eaten there. The service was really good. The waiters waited hand on foot and kept our water glasses filled. We also got free tapas, which was something I’m not used to where I come from. I had a chicken dish and buttered naan bread and a bit of rice. Afterwards we went to the Flying Dodo for drinks. I had cappuccino and cake. The waiter brought eclairs that looked delectable but didn’t really taste good at all. The cream tasted extremely alcoholic, rummy.

The next morning found us having breakfast at Café Moka’z in Allez d’Helvetia. Hygiene was really wanting here. My friends got used water glasses with lipstick stains, and when they made the discovery, I was prompted to check my cup and discovered it had drippings of tea around it. it had evidently been used without being washed. The café was almost empty and it perplexed me that they didn’t take time to clean their utensils.  

Troux aux Cerfs

At Ah Yuan, at Flic au Flac, we were just ignored and left without eatingL. I enjoyed the meal we had at Philly Steaks. The sandwiches were absolutely fantastic, but the noodle box was not really spectacular in comparison. It was, however, a simple recipe that I would love to try at home. I will be a little generous with the chicken while I’m at it. I swear I could count the bits of chicken in the box on my fingers (on one palm).After our meal at Philly Steaks, we headed to Flying Dodo again and I had vanilla tea and chicken wings, which were really scrumptious.

Shiva's Statue at Grand Bassin

I was thrilled to hear French all around me and realise that the little French I knew hadn’t completely died out. Mendra took us to see the Troux aux Cerfs right in the middle of the island. I couldn’t believe that a volcano, which is usually a bad thing, could leave such an incredibly beautiful crater as a legacy. Here there were a few locals selling mementos. Being the cheapskate that I am, I decided not to buy cute little tortoises I saw there, hoping I would find them at a cheaper place, which I never didL. When you are on vacation or a place where time is a scarce commodity, just buy whatever you like without procrastinating.

We also passed by the Grand Bassin, an extinct volcano, now a lake high up in the mountains. It is, reportedly, the most sacred Hindu place on the island of Mauritius. It is also a well-known place of interest and has a temple dedicated to Shiva. Unfortunately for us, on the only day that we could go sight-seeing, it was pouring and we could not really get out of the car to look around, especially at The Grand Bassin. I was really keen to see the place. Owing to the downpour, it was rather difficult to take the best pictures, but I’m sure the ones we took have their own aesthetic quality.

The only time I appreciated the wet weather was when we visited the tea estate, Bois Cheri. There is a museum with all the information you can get regarding how the estate started. We were able to drink gallons upon gallons of flavoured tea. I am a tea lover, so I had a ball.

Click here, here and here to see some of the pictures I took. 

The lost generation

Thousands of school children in Swaziland dropped out of school this year because of pregnancy. This is a very disturbing development that will see the country having a sizeable number of unemployable people from that generation. The issue of teenage pregnancy is not one unique to Swaziland alone but the world over, but more prevalent in African and some Asian countries. In some countries, it is a result of forced marriage, but in sub-Saharan Africa, children are just having wanton sex like there is no tomorrow.

In my opinion, a number of factors play a role in teenage pregnancy. I think most of it is experiments gone wrong, then there are girls that date outside their age groups and have no power to negotiate for safe sex. I’ve seen stories of 14 –year-old girls being involved with 30-year-olds. How does a child like that even try to stand her ground? The issue of poverty has also thrown young girls to the wolves. A rumbling stomach can push a young girl to do things she would otherwise not have thought of doing if circumstances were different.

It is, however, not just children from disadvantaged backgrounds that indulge in premature sex. Many parents are not comfortable discussing sex with their children. They don’t even know where to start.  No-one spoke to me about the dangers of teenage sex, but back then, there were minimal influences. The closest my father got to talk about the birds and the bees to me and my sisters was always reiterating that if anyone of us fell pregnant, he would not want us to abort. He never spoke about how people got pregnant or tried to talk us into not doing things that would make us fall pregnant in the first place. It was always an awkward speech. It was fortunate that I didn’t have a cellphone with internet to access social networking and other adult sites and, and I was at a Catholic girls-only school. My parents were also very strict and it was never easy to go against their regulations.

Have parents become softer or have teenagers become foxier? There was never a moment when my absence at home was never accounted for. How are primary school children managing to hoodwink their parents, juggling being young kids at home while having sex like adults out there? I see many young girls on street corners, necking with big boys at weird hours, sometimes in their school uniforms, and I just wonder where their parents think their babies are. Parents need to get over their issues and actually talk to their children about the consequences of teenage sex. Tell children that if they fall pregnant as teenagers, their lives are as good as doomed. They will never enjoy wholesome dating and will be tied down to raising a child before they are ready for it, they are likely to contract HIV and other venereal diseases, and they will have to settle for menial labour to look after their children, or they would be reduced to prostitution. Instead, parents prefer to wail and shout at their children after the deed is done – “how could you do this to yourself? How are you going to look after a child when you are also only a child?  Now you will never get a job! Your child will grow in poverty and will most likely follow the same path as you”

Parents also need to sit down with the boy child. Too much pressure, traditionally, has been on the girl child  - don’t sleep with men, be careful, value your virginity, while nobody speaks to boys, yet they are also an integral part of the equation. The media hasn’t done well to shape into the sexually responsible individuals we want them to be. Children are bombarded by news of scandalous celebrities who lead sexually flagrant lives, and they are made to look glamorous.  Young people like Nobel Peace Prize winner, Malala Yousafzai are not celebrated much, no-one wants to know what she’s been up to lately. People like Amber Rose, who recently excited everyone when she wrote How to be a bad bitch, and those who make sex tapes pervade media space as if they are to be emulated. There are many young people doing great things but they are not given enough space in the media.

Instead of intensifying engagement with children, people have washed their hands off them and said, “OK, kids. You win. Just come and get condoms and have your sex!” I don’t think this is a solution. I think we should talk and talk and talk to our kids until our voices are hoarse and we are foaming at the mouth. We haven’t even started talking yet. Condoms are not the answer. Adults are failing to use them consistently and we are expecting a 13-year-old to be more responsible? Give.me.a.break!

As with most of the social issues I write about, I went to my friends to find out about this issue. These were their guiding questions:

What do you think should be done to curb teenage pregnancy, apart from contraceptive distribution? Do you think sexual health education will help? What should sexual health education encompass?

Joyie: openness between parents/guardians and children, good communication parents must talk to their children regardless of gender. Sexual health education I think in high school is fine, but at primary level, no. Kids like experimenting. They should be taught about the consequences of indulging early, e.g. pregnancy, STIs, side effects of using contraceptives at an early age, condoms breaking, and the like. How early pregnancy before finishing school will affect their future (types of jobs they end up doing in order to take care of the baby if not educated). I think teachers and parents should also be good role models. Media must promote good role models not people like Khanyi Mbau. Encourage children to abstain rather than promoting. Right now I think the government promotes early sex by letting kids get contraceptives and legalizing abortion. Churches should also take part.

Za: sex education is an ideal solution and it is important to first reach out to parents and make them aware of the importance of being open about sex to their children from a tender age. Most people think that it’s taboo to talk to their children about sex, but they are leaving a blank space in the children’s mind that will be filled with info acquired mostly from peers and the social media. I have observed children who discuss such topics with their parents proving to handle sexual issues better than the others and they are rarely victims of teenage pregnancy. Actually, a person’s background influences their choices and decisions in life. It is therefore vital to show parents first of the importance of correct information dissemination to their children before they are teenagers and underscore the importance of a stable family environment for every child. Most teenagers who become victims either come from broken down families or very strict families where such behaviour can be seen as a child’s attempt at freedom.

Parents should make sure that their children grow up in stable homes, if a child is brought up by a single parent, e.g. a single mum, it is important for the child to have a strong male person in her life that will fill the void left by an absent dad. It can be an uncle, grandfather, etc., so she can learn to relate to the opposite sex.

Coming to sexual health education, it is effective to penetrate through the social media because it has now become their Number 1 influence. They view a lot of pornographic material on the internet from their laptops and mobile phones and what they circulate on whatsapp is mostly X-rated material. It goes back to the parents who avail such gadgets to teenagers.

Teenage pregnancy can be curbed through production of movies whose theme is ‘negative effects of teenage pregnancy’, soaps screened on television should dedicate some episodes to this issue and there should be awareness campaigns on TVs, radios, fliers and street marches. There should be billboards erected at strategic points saying something about teenage pregnancy…it might save some teenagers from the experience. What is sad about the issue of teenage pregnancy is that too often, lip service is given to prevention strategies without investing in them at the necessary levels to make them effective. There should be effective partnerships among families, schools, social service systems, churches to create the socialization experiences that will give the teenagers a chance to develop along positive lines.

Sihle: I strongly believe in biblical principles of abstaining until one gets married. I feel that giving children condoms tells them it is absolutely fine to have sexual relations even when you’re in school. Unfortunately, the society we are living in right now somehow makes it ok. I am old school on this issue and very conservative.

Susan: freedom, exposure, culture of openness especially in the African context. Parents should openly discuss sex with their kids to tell them that there is nothing to rush for. At the same time, allow kids to go out and mingle with boys, with the faith that they are not going to rush into sex.

Ngoni: our students don’t drop out because our school has a policy of expelling pregnant pupils. It is unconstitutional but it has been a deterrent. Sexual health education does help. Nurses come to our school to talk to learners about the dangers of indulging early. And they scare learners with those frightening HIV statistics because their age group is the most infected.  Sexual health education should demystify the myths or so called knowledge they have e.g. male prowess is seen by the number of girls he sleeps with, being a virgin is old fashioned.

Angie: condom distribution should be stopped. It actually encourages sex in kids. Now these kids will happily do it thinking they are safe. We need to rewind and go back to the days when sex was a sacred word to the youngsters. Abstinence should be the key word, not prevention. It’s all about re-teaching morals to our kids.

My experiences with Jehovah's Witnesses

Publications I regularly get from Jehovah's Witnesses

Recently I read a story about members of Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW) church in Zimbabwe, who were suing Arundel School for forcing their children to attend Anglican Mass. 

The parents were arguing that they would prefer that their children be exempted from the Anglican Church services as they only worship in the Kingdom Halls. It became a very emotive issue when readers shared their opinions regarding the issue. Most people called JW a cult and suggested they build their own schools, not impose their ideologies on a school whose ideals they knew before enrolling their children. 

JW have been the butt of every religious joke for as long as I can remember, but I think most of the time people judge them out of turn. One of my favourite comedies, Coming to America also made fun of JW. Theo, Lisa’s father realised that Hakeem was actually a rich prince and immediately decided he wanted nothing to do with the American boyfriend with the oily perm, Darryl. While Hakeem was in the house, trying to make sense of Theo’s new attitude, Darryl came knocking on the door, which Theo immediately slammed in his face, smiled at Hakeem, waved his hand perfunctorily and said, “Jehovah’s Witnesses!”

I like to keep an open mind about people and philosophies. I want to have a firsthand experience on something or with someone before I dismiss them. At school when I was younger, I remember there was always a friendless schoolmate who everybody shunned on the simple basis that, “people say she is snobbish”, without anyone ever having a firsthand account of the snobbishness. In the neighbourhood, there was also, almost always, a lonely old woman who everybody feared because “vanhu vanoti vanoroya” (people say she is a witch).  What a sad and juvenile way to go through life.

When I was a child, there was an old woman in the neighbourhood who everyone called Mbuya Ruredzo Mustawara (derived from one of JW’s publications The Watchtower). Nobody else was called by their churches, like So and So the Catholic, or Jim the Methodist. I have a few memorable experiences with JW. When I used to stay in Harare, my neighbour was a Witness. In 2007, she offered to do bible studies with me and brought her friends along. They were among the loveliest people I ever met. In them I found friends that stood by me through some of my difficult moments. Eventually I had to move houses and never got to see them again.

I didn’t do bible study with JW for a very long time, until in 2010 when I met a Zimbabwean woman in Randburg, South Africa, from the church. I resumed studies with her and had fun. The studies kept me on my toes in terms of my bible reading. Sometimes I totally didn’t agree with some of the JW’s interpretation, but that didn’t affect my relationship with Sarah. Contrary to what people say about JWs forcing their beliefs down people’s throat, she would explain what she and her church believed, but did not take offence with my own beliefs.  It helped that she was a fellow compatriot and we had other things to talk about apart from the bible. Sometimes I could not meet Sarah because 2010 was a very difficult year for me. I simply had to let her know in advance that I was unavailable. Unfortunately she had to move to Cape Town, but she left me in the hands of a lady in her seventies, who I’ll call Maggie*. 

One of many Jehovah's Witnesses jokes

Maggie gave me hell.  At the start of our relationship, she came across as a very sweet and understanding old lady. She always showed up punctually for bible studies and invited me to her home for tea. We discussed the bible and flowers and she even gave me some. When I couldn’t make our weekly appointments, I would just send her a text to let her know and she would take offence. I could feel the tension even from the texts. When she saw me next, her face would be taut and she would ask about the last meeting I missed. I would apologise, again, and she would tell me that she had been thinking about me a lot, wondering if I was serious about my studies.

Bit by bit, I started losing my ground in our relationship and my territorial prerogatives to Maggie. She started acting like the headmistress, or a shrewd stepmother even, always laying down the law and cracking the whip, telling me what was acceptable and unacceptable to do. She discouraged me from spending time with friends that “were not saved” and told me she and her other church mate, also in her 70s, were good enough friends for me. She also gave me a JW bible and insinuated the one I had was full of lies.  Every time I was incapable of meeting her, my heart would skip a few beats as I sent her the text to cancel. I liked the lessons. They were good for spiritual uplifting, but Maggie was fast reminding me of the famous story of the Arab and the camel. I swear I was becoming afraid of her. In case you don’t know the camel story, here goes a version of it:

One cold night, as an Arab sat in his tent, a camel gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. "Master," he said, "let me put my nose in your tent. It's cold and stormy out here." "By all means," said the Arab, "and welcome" as he turned over and went to sleep.

A little later the Arab awoke to find that the camel had not only put his nose in the tent but his head and neck also. The camel, who had been turning his head from side to side, said, "I will take but little more room if I place my forelegs within the tent. It is difficult standing out here." "Yes, you may put your forelegs within," said the Arab, moving a little to make room, for the tent was small.

Finally, the camel said, "May I not stand wholly inside? I keep the tent open by standing as I do." "Yes, yes," said the Arab. "Come wholly inside. Perhaps it will be better for both of us." So the camel crowded in. The Arab with difficulty in the crowded quarters again went to sleep. When he woke up the next time, he was outside in the cold and the camel had the tent to himself. 

I got accepted at university to further my studies. Everybody I told congratulated me, except Maggie. As soon as I told her I would be going to university, that tight smile came back to her face. Those who have watched Desperate Housewives will familiarize themselves with that smile on Bree. Maggie said, “What about your studies?” I said I would make a plan about the studies, even though I knew that chances were very slim I would ever see her again. For me, the studies were the escape that I needed.  Maggie was slowly taking over my life! She went on to tell me that I didn’t need to go to university. I was supposed to worry more about my afterlife, not this one which was transitory. “Join me for Jehovah’s work. It’s more gratifying,” she said. It was as if she was trying to blackmail me, making me feel guilty for choosing university over Jehovah. I explained to her that I was only in my early 30s, still wanted to grow my family hence I needed to work. I omitted to tell her that all her kids were grown and she had a business, which the husband ran, so she didn’t really need to work a day in her life.  It was like speaking to a stone.

I didn’t like that Maggie insisted that I only got to know “the truth” when I started my studies with JWs. She said everything else I had learned were lies.  This holier-than-thou attitude really got on my nerves because I know JW that engage in deviant activities like the rest of us. The bible, in Romans 3:23 states “For all have sinned and come short of His glory.” Maggie also started bullying me into getting baptized at her church, even after I told her I had already been baptized in the Methodist Church. She insinuated that the first baptism was inconsequential because I didn’t know “the truth” when it happened.

During my days at university I hardly saw her, but she did drop by in my absence and left Watchtower and Awake! publications under my door. The publications from JW are extremely informative and well-researched and I looked forward to getting them. Even my husband became an avid reader. The first person to introduce me to them was a former colleague called Gilbert Maglas, may his soul rest in peace. He was such a pleasant man. Just before relocating to Swaziland, I got in touch with Maggie to let her know I was relocating and would be glad to see her one last time and say my goodbyes. Unfortunately I had to cancel again because I had many potential tenants coming to view the house we were leaving and I was packing, so I could not spare a moment to entertain.  As I was busy hustling and bustling, from the corner of my eye, I saw what looked like Maggie’s car. To my horror and dismay, it was! I had told her I was not available and she didn’t respond to my message. She insisted on seeing me whether I liked it or not. I didn’t think that was fair, so I sent my helper to let her know I was unavailable. I was watching her from my stairs, hiding, and I could see her craning her neck towards the house. She knew she had been lied to, but I was too flustered to care. That was the last I saw of her, craning her neck with a grim expression on her face.

Bible I got from Maggie*

I haven’t touched base with her again. Strangely enough, writing this has caused a paroxysm of nostalgia. I actually miss her. She was a bully and was uncompromising, but I wouldn’t say she was a bad person.  I just needed to be more resolute in my decisions and should have played open cards when I felt she was being domineering. If I were to see her again, I’d be frank with her and tell her about her attitude problems. I think I’ve managed to grow a pair over the past few years that I haven’t been with her.  I think I will get in touch with her and roll my eyes when the chastisement starts. I miss our lessons together because I have a spiritual need that is not being fulfilled. She is a bad advertisement for JW, but I don’t think she is representative of all of them.

I don’t believe JW is a cult. I believe they just have a divergent interpretation of the bible, which no-one is compelled to accept. You can’t dislike or fear someone simply because they hold different views to yourself. You can listen to them and stay in your lane. It’s our diversity that makes this world a beautiful place. It only becomes a problem if the differences are so extreme that people hold guns to other people’s heads. I just know that you need all your wits around you when you study with JW because they are a very unwavering lot. You need to know your bible well so that you can argue when you disagree with something they say. I disagree with the malicious allegations against JWs, but my wish is for them to know we are all sinners. Their lessons are great. They encourage moral uprightness, their dress code is really dignified and they encourage healthy family lives. Most people just judge them without ever giving themselves a chance to know what they are all about. When you see those JWs distributing pamphlets on the roadside, do accept. Just don’t allow them the people to forcibly get under your skin; some of them will try to. They are quite a good read. I just got some today J.

Farewell Dr Vimbai Gukwe Chivaura

Dr Vimbai Gukwe Chivaura (picture sourced from the Internet)

I got word of Dr Chivaura’s passing from my friend, Greatman, and it was quite a shock since I hadn’t heard of his illness. Not that it would have been easy to hear of it given that I’m so far away from home.

I had a long-standing relationship with Dr Chivaura dating back to 1999 when I started my 1^st year at the University of Zimbabwe (UZ) to the time that I produced a Current Affairs programme he participated in at the Zimbabwe Broadcasting Corporation. At UZ, as soon as people who had done literature learned I was going also going to take the subject, they would immediately start talking about Chivaura, saying things like, “Uchamuona hako, muchanzwirira!” and things like that. I eventually met him, and oh boy, did we get an earful! He was quite charismatic. He’s not the type of person you would forget easily. Following his passing, I was chatting to former classmates, and everyone still had something they remembered him saying, unlike some lecturers who we have to scratch heads for before we can remember something they said, or even their names. It is for this reason that I decided to write something in memory of Dr Vimbai Chivaura. I felt he couldn’t just go like that. Something has to be written. I know there will be quite a few obituaries in his name, many of them unwritten.

For the general Zimbabwean populace, Dr Chivaura’s claim to fame were his unapologetic views on the ruling Zanu PF, opposition MDC, and the land reform programme. I remember a day that he broached the land reform programme during a lecture. One guy said it would have been a good concept if it had been done systematically. “Systematically?” he asked, wide eyed. “If you had spent two weeks without eating sadza and it was suddenly presented to you, would you eat it systematically? Wouldn’t you just attack it?” he said.

Dr Chivaura never really stuck to formal lecturing. He liked chatting and picking people’s brains on topical issues. I don’t remember him for specific set books, but for his views and for prompting students to think critically about the world around them. During one of his lectures, he started talking about how fast men were becoming irrelevant in women’s lives. “In the West, penises are being sold over the counter. You just go and pick the one you want wonozvibaya zvako wega!” he said.

 He liked stimulating debate without really imposing his strong views on anyone. He stood his ground, you would never be left confused about how he felt about anything, yet he listened attentively to everyone’s point of view. The debates were almost on an equal footing. It is probably for this reason that students still loved him and liked to listen to his hilarious interpretation of the country’s issues. Many people are hated for their divergent views. It wasn’t usually the case with Dr Chivaura and his students, but he wasn’t loved too much on the streets by people who watched him on TV.

Without attempting to contaminate his memory, I will be honest and mention that Dr Chivaura was a bit of a flirt. At some point I needed help with my postgrad project and my co-coordinator referred me to Dr Chivaura. As I got into his office, he looked at me with his trademark smile and said, “Hauchionaka! Ndiwe chaiye musikana wandinoda kuendesa kuna amai vangu!” It was an awkward moment for me because I thought he was really old. And I was right! When he passed, I got to know that he was just a year my father’s junior. Another time, I had to see him again for the said project, and after the greetings, he said, “Chichema tinzwe ndigochemawo,” which for me was laden with innuendos. I don’t know if he was really hitting on me or was just enjoying playing with words as he was a poet, but it was a little weird for me. I didn’t take him seriously and he, fortunately, never said anything suggestive again.

Dr Chivaura was also quite a gossip. One day he saw me chatting to a friendly literature lecturer who people said was gay. He called me later and said, “I saw you talk to ******. Unoziva here kuti ingochani?” I must have mumbled something because I was horrified and wasn’t sure how to respond. He was undaunted and said, “Unoda kuziva here kuti ngochani yake ndiyani?” Before I could affirm my willingness to know, he came closer and hissed in my ear, “Ndi********!” Only Dr Chivaura would pull a stunt like that.

I remember meeting him near Zesa offices just after I had delivered my first child. He had seen me pregnant prior to that, so he said congratulations and went on to tell me he had also got a baby at around the same time as I delivered.  I was a little bewildered as I was of the opinion that he was at an age where he was supposed to be receiving grandchildren, not procreating. But who am I to tell people when to stop having babies? Right now, I just feel really sorry for that child he told me about, his siblings, and their mother. He must be close to 10 years of age now, and he just lost a father with a very strong personality. I was honoured to have come into contact with Dr Vimbai Chivaura, and I feel sorry for literature students at UZ who will just have to content with tales about him and not be able to meet this enigma. May his soul rest in eternal peace.

** names withheld because of the sensitivity of the allegations

Here is how some of my classmates remember him:

Greatman: Chivaura for me was one of the elite that pretended to be pro-African, yet their lifestyles spoke everything Western. He was obsessed with talking about African drums and stuff. I, however, liked his informal and casual approach to a lecture room situation.

Za: Chivaura was a character and a half. He said he was very proud to be a black man because black men, including himself, were handsome whichever way you looked at them. He was against the bible because he said it was the white man’s way of colonizing the black man’s mind. I clearly remember him challenging the authenticity of the biblical creation. He said that in the bible, it is written that when Cain slew Abel he was banished to the land of Nod, and when he got there he married. So he said, “And where did the land of Nod and its people come from since the first people were Adam and Eve, Cain’s parents?”

Ngoni: I enjoyed his lectures a lot. No student failed his course because he spent the whole period talking about Chennels and Musaemura, then towards the end he would just dish handouts. If you read the handout, that would be the exams kkk