It's not always easy to be a practicing Christian

On Monday I learned once more how difficult it is to practice Christianity to a tee. There is a Tuberculosis Hospital near my son’s school. On my way from picking him, I saw a woman coming from the hospital who appeared to be drunk as she was not very stable on her feet. At close inspection, it was clear that she was quite ill and needed a lift.  I was at a busy junction, monitoring traffic from my left and right so that I could get onto the highway, and had a long queue of cars behind me. I got so overwhelmed and drove off. Apart from the fact that I was keeping my eyes on the road, a lot of thoughts were whizzing in my head. I feared that she could have been so ill that she could have got into the car and died, and then I would have had a really messy situation on my hands. I would probably still be at the police station getting my fingerprints taken and “assisting with investigations”. Maybe the woman’s family would have been there too, baying for my blood and claiming that she hadn’t been that sick when she left home and demanding that I shame the devil and tell the truth about what really happened. Weird things can happen when someone dies.

The bible, however, doesn’t teach us to justify our transgressions. It encourages us to help whenever it’s within our capacity to help. I even have the verses on giving at the tips of my fingers:

Proverbs 3:27 – Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do it. 

Proverbs 28:27 – He that gives to the poor shall not lack: but he that hides his eyes shall have many a curse. 

Luke 3:11 – He answered and said to them, He that has two coats, let him impart to him that has none; and he that has meat, let him do likewise.

But that’s just what this accursed world has come to; reading the bible from cover to cover without putting what it says into practice.

When I got home, I wished I had stopped and picked her even if the ensuing delay would have annoyed other drivers. On the other hand, that would probably not have been wise. I don’t really know much about TB, which I know, at certain stages, can be highly contagious. Maybe there are precautions I needed to take before having her in the car. But what made me feel so bad was that she was someone’s mom and she was vulnerable. I would have wanted my mom to be helped if she ever found herself in such a position. Then I also thought, if I can feel bad about this, it probably means I don’t really have an evil little heart. If I were cruel, I would have had no contrition whatsoever. Deep down, though, I know that a good heart is useless if it is not put to good use. Matthew 5:16 says, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” The goodness of my heart shouldn’t reflect from what I say but from what I do. I should have just called the police. The Royal Swazi Police have their moments of amazing grace. I’ve heard of drunkards that call the police to take them home when they can’t drive anymore, and they’re chauffeured home!

As I was busy beating myself up, I thought of a story I heard at church a long time ago. A woman was told that Jesus was going to visit her. She cleaned the house and yard from top to bottom.  A dirty old man walked into her yard asking for food. She chased him away and hit him with a broomstick. She waited and waited, but Jesus did not show up. The angel that had notified her of the visit came back, and before he could say anything, the woman complained that Jesus had stood her up. The angel told her that the old man she had shooed away had been Jesus. The moral of the story was that if you claim to be a Christian, treat everyone as you would Jesus. And I failed dismallyL.

Spaghetti alla Carbonara with Chef Abraham

Chef Abraham Nhlabatsi welcomed us into his kitchen in the ambient environment of The Terrace Grill, where he made the decadent Spaghetti alla Carbonara. He chose egg noodles over spaghetti. The preparation method for either choice is the same. There is not much difference between the two, but as the name implies, egg noodles contain a higher proportion of eggs to wheat than regular pasta.  Pasta offers slightly more fibre and protein per serving compared to egg noodles. A healthier option would be to cook wholegrain pasta.

Ingredients:

Egg noodles

15 ml olive oil

1 teaspoon crushed garlic

2 rashers bacon

4 button mushrooms

2 slices of ham

Pinch of salt

Pinch of sugar

Aromat

Thickening agent

Half cup cream

5 ml parmesan cheese

The garnish should have a contrasting colour with th e food being served

Method

·         Cook the spaghetti and set aside.

·         Fry the garlic in hot oil.

·         Add bacon to the saucepan.

·         Add the button mushrooms.

·         When the mushrooms are soft, add the ham slices.

·         Season with aromat and salt.

·         Add the flour, or thickening agent of your choice.

·         Add the cream.

         Add a pinch of sugar to balance the seasoning.

·         Sprinkle parmesan cheese to the mixture and stir.  

About the chef

Chef Abraham Nhlabatsi, from Mbabane, has been cooking for a quarter of a century, the last four of which he has been with The Terrace Grill. He received his training at SCOT. Regarding how he chose cooking over other careers, Abraham sighed and said it was a long story. The short of it, however, is that he grew up in a family of boys and used to cook for the family from a tender age.  When he got to Form 4, he made his decision to be a chef after falling in love with the art. “Back then, choosing a cooking career as a man was regarded as a shame, but after cooking for a number of special people over the years, I’m convinced it’s a career that men should support,” said Abraham. He regards cooking at King Mswati 111’s birthday in 1996 as one of the major highlights of his career. 

The pain of childlessness

In most African cultures, for a marriage to subsist, children have to be produced. No sooner has a young couple said I do, than immense pressure begins to mount for them to start procreating. This pressure usually comes from the family the woman married into, but can also stem from the woman’s desire to have children. While some women have no qualms strangling their newborns and flushing them down toilets, millions have sleepless nights yearning for the joy that a baby brings. Susan** finds herself in this desperate situation 12 years into her marriage. Some of the things she shared were very heartbreaking. People are too quick to pass judgement on matters they don’t know about. In her own words, here is the story of her more-than-a-decade long journey trying to conceive: 

“Two and a half years into our marriage and trying hard to conceive, doctors discovered we could never ever have children. According to medical tests, I could fall pregnant, but an urologist dropped the bomb when he declared my husband sterile. There was no sperm whatsoever in his semen and we were told that it would take a miracle for us to have children in our marriage naturally or medically. Regardless of what the urologist said, we have been trying for 12 years, visiting gynaecologists, urologists and homeopathic doctors.

Fortunately, the family has not been a problem. My husband lost his mother long before we got married. Mothers-in-law are known for not being understanding when it comes to these issues. However, his father was very understanding and never had a problem at all. My family has always been supportive and encourages us to continue loving each other and live life. They also encourage us to seek more medical assistance in order to have children one day. They do not even want to hear about divorce or separation over this. 

There are many problems associated with childlessness, such as how you are treated in society and insensitive remarks being thrown at you. When you are childless, the family thinks you have lots of money stashed somewhere in the house or bank. They even say, "What do you use your money for when you do not have children?"  It seems to them those who have children are the only ones with expenses and plans while the childless don't.

Here and there you meet people who think it's your fault as a woman that you do not have children. At some point a lady asked if I had aborted many pregnancies before. According to her, those who abort are always punished by barrenness later in life! She thought she was being sincere, but it broke my heart! Some Christians ask if I pray fervently. According to them no one must suffer such misfortune if they REALLY pray. To them it means the longer we stayed childless, the more it showed we did not pray enough. That is one of the challenges we face when we come face to face with Christians. People say a lot of ignorant stuff. I just answer them, as politely as possible, that the situation is not what they think it is without even going into detail. To my fellow Christians I say, “Let the will of God happen”. You can't really change a made up mind of a person. If a person chooses to judge a situation just five minutes into a conversation, sometimes it's a waste of time to explain the situation. The best is to give a short answer and change the subject very fast. People have a problem of wanting to throw their beliefs and experiences into other people's problems without taking time to understand what is really going on, which in most cases does not help but creates a divide! 

There is an element of being looked down upon when one has no children. You are judged for not having child-rearing experience, so your opinion or feelings on matters relating to children is totally disregarded. Those who have been blessed enough with this gift think it's not your area so stay out!

My relationship with my husband, for the most part, has been wonderful but sometimes we have verbally fought about our situation. Since my husband is the one who is sterile, I have felt he sometimes does not understand my pain of not being a mother. Though I understand he feels the same way also about not being a father, he has made peace with his condition, and I haven’t, and that causes and increases my frustration. Because of the hidden pain and frustration of failing to have our own children, we have resorted to not talking about the situation. We rather carry on as if nothing is happening in order to cope. So we hardly talk about our situation, we have chosen to put a plaster bandage to cover a boil hoping all will be ok. We have suffered moments of resentment towards each other too. We have our fair share of highs and lows because of this problem. I do love my husband so much but there are moments I resent him much. I silently blame him for this entire problem. I wish he could do more to make the pain I feel sometimes go away! I know he feels the pain too but somehow I concentrate on my own pain!

Some cultures encourage secretly conceiving with the husband’s brother. Given that option, I would not agree at all. It would give me a child, yes, but no peace, so I would rather choose peace over a selfish desire. I don't think the brother solution will make things easier at all. It may hurt a lot of people down the road.

Social media makes the situation difficult. We have friends and family giving birth left, right and centre. And rightly so, share their happy moments with us. We are happy for them but it also makes us relive our pain and longing.  It's tough but we pull through. What hurts most more than a new baby picture is that photo showing the joy on my friends’ and family's faces as they take their children to their first day at school. Why? Because you start thinking that if you had conceived around that time (in our 20s) when most of your friends did, you could be enjoying the moment with them too. It's like watching life slip away and have no control whatsoever of what is going on. It feels like you have really lost out in life, a great loss. That hurts! 

Unfortunately we haven't sought counselling because my husband does not believe in bringing outside help into our marriage. Pushing for it makes him shut down so I do not bring family or any professional help. I tried suggesting counselling in order to cope but my husband has some African men traits – they do not believe in counseling, so one tends to suffer in silence.

Currently we are at a deadlock when it comes to artificial insemination and adoption. He does not believe in it and feels taking care of another person’s child is not proper or easy. Even if I desperately want a baby, I have no choice but to continue to live childless for the rest of my life. My husband has told me many times that he no longer wants to try for a baby. He says he does not see a future with children and we must close the chapter and live life but that's too painful to me, I haven't quite actually accepted this whole unfortunate situation. There is also pressure from our tradition; a woman cannot leave her husband because he’s sterile. Women are not even given as much understanding as given to men who marry infertile women and are encouraged to plant their seeds somewhere and not die without children. That can never happen when it comes to women. So most times we "accept" the situation, bury ourselves in prayer or religion in order to cope – well, that is if you do not have the courage like some women to let someone out there be secretly the father of your children. But if discovered, it then becomes a scandal. 

I suffer from depression because of this. I have never been diagnosed but there are those moments when I do not want to do anything, I'm down, sad, not motivated to do anything. I have moments that I close my door and cry till I'm tired. I have moments when I have lost hope and faith. I just slip into a sad depression. It takes everything I have to come out of it. Most times I can't share it with my husband nor show him that I'm going through a tough time. I deal with these moments on my own. I found out that my husband is incapable of compassion, not because that is what he prefers, but it's just not in his nature. He thinks just saying "rest" or "it's the blues, it will get better soon" will make everything alright. 

This situation is not easy at all. It takes everything from you. Sometimes when I really go through my sad moments, I think of having a child with someone else out there, hoping it will finally make me a mother. But having a child with someone out there means cheating on my husband, which is bad on its own.  It also means I have to invest in another relationship apart from this one, maintain them so that they do not cross each other's paths, and that will give me so much work, work I'm not ready to go through at the moment. But truly speaking, that idea comes to my mind sometimes. The fear of being judged as a loose woman, should I choose that route, also comes to mind. Some of these ideas come out of pain but I have managed to stay grounded despite all the craziness.

I'm glad I'm sharing my story in its rawness. I keep on praying for a miracle, if it’s not to be, I pray for peace. Thinking a lot and stressing a lot leads to trouble, so peace within the storm is what I pray for most. When people abort, all I feel is sadness. Coming from a Christian background, of course I look at it as really evil. I wish they could not take that path but at the end of the day it's their choice. But I feel hurt and ask God why he gives to those who do not even want the blessing while I fail to get it.

When one goes through an adversity, a lot of things happen. You do not know how to cope, there is no manual on how to live the situation, all you have is everyday reality that is supposed to be lived and experienced. Sometimes you can't cope and start thinking of ways (good or bad) to numb the pain. Ninety percent of the time I do not tell people that my husband is the one who has the problem. I feel if I tell the whole world the truth, I will emasculate him. I mostly just say nothing or lean towards myself as the one who has the problem.

*Name changed

Mpumalanga Accident

Traffic Jam on the Joburg-Mpumalanga highway after the accident

Yesterday I passed by the scene of a really bad pileup in Mpumalanga where 4 people lost their lives. A driver caused the accident after making a U-turn on the highway. One reckless driver and 4 people lost their lives. I was so disturbed I struggled to sleep. Hundreds, if not thousands, more were affected because traffic flow was delayed by quite a few hours. Road regulations were not made to piss us off; they’re for our own safety. Children get orphaned, spouses are widowed, parents lose their children because of what look like minor violations of these regulations. I continue to thank God every time I get home safely from any outing. There's so much that can go wrong.  Be safe on the roads. 

The whirlwind that formed around the accident scene

Chicken salad and Strawberry Smoothie with Delisile

Chicken salad

 Chicken salad is any salad that counts chicken as a main ingredient. Not only is it easy to make, it is delicious and healthy too as it makes use of a variety of vegetables. It is a no-fuss way of using up leftovers to prepare a composed meal. Chicken salad is good virtually any time of the year, for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Typically it is made with leftover chicken. It may also refer to a garden salad with fried, grilled, or roasted chicken cut up on top.

The one featured today, prepared by Delisile Mavimbela from Thyme @ The Hub, made use of fried chicken strips seasoned with BBQ spice. The coffee shop is run by Pick 'n Pay Supermarket. 

Increasingly, more and more people are cutting down on grains. In that regard, chicken salad can be enjoyed as it is, without a starch. However, for those that don’t get satisfied without a bit of starch in their meal, a more filling alternative would be to serve it in a sandwich (ideally whole-wheat), pita or wrapped in a tortilla. Common ingredients for the salad may include mayonnaise, hard-boiled egg, celery, onion, pepper, grapes and nuts. In place of chicken, tuna and/or salmon can be utilised. If avocados are not in season, mango chunks and cashew nuts can do the trick. Prawns and calamari are also good alternatives for seafood lovers.

INGREDIENTS (to serve 1)

1 breast fillet

Lettuce

Olives

Feta cheese

1 tomato

1 onion

1 cucumber

1 small avocado

METHOD:

• ·         Cut the lettuce evenly with a knife and spread it on a plate.
• ·         Add a layer of sliced tomatoes on top of the lettuce.
• ·         Add the chicken strips, carefully spreading them equally around the plate.
• ·         Place slices of avocado on top of the chicken strips.
• ·         Add olives and feta cheese evenly on the plate.
• ·         Serve with your favourite dressing.

STRAWBERRY SMOOTHIE

As with the chicken salad, there are no hard and fast rules for making a smoothie. Any two seasonal fruits, for instance banana and pineapple, or kiwi and pineapple can be used. However, strawberry and banana remain the firm favourite for most. One point to note is that at the peak of the season, fruits are sweeter that they would be towards the end.  This will determine the sweetness of the smoothie.

Strawberry Smoothie

INGREDIENTS

1 banana

4 or 5 strawberries, depending on size

Lemon sorbet

Plain yoghurt

Blocks of ice

Vanilla ice cream, optional

METHOD

• ·         Peel the banana and chop it into smaller pieces.
• ·         Combine banana and strawberries and blitz in a blender.
• ·         Add ice cream or ice blocks.
• ·         In a blender, combine strawberries, chopped bananas, yoghurt, vanilla ice cream, and ice blocks.
• ·         When the mixture is properly blended, serve immediately.

ABOUT THE CHEF

Delisile Mavimbela

Delisile Mavimbela has been working at Thyme @ The Hub from 2012, having moved from Matsapha. She is very passionate about preparing healthy meals that boost the immune system. Delisile loves preparing the chicken salad for her customers not only because of its healthy properties, but also because the ingredients are affordable and accessible to everyone. “Anyone can make their version of chicken salad, but ours is the best,” she said. The colourful salad she prepared prompted one woman to immediately change her order, opting for the salad. Delisile usually does not like to use artificial spices when she cooks. She prefers vegetables in their natural state. She is available on 7604 3169.

*Published in Times of Swaziland

Marimba Chicken Wings and Sweet Potato Dessert

I had the pleasure of visiting Asante Guesthouse in Manzini, where I met the most enthusiastic chef in the world, Master Mtsetfwa. He made some delicious wings whose aroma was so seductive I couldn't wait to get my hands on them. He also made a delectable sweet potato dessert, which, because of its richness, I only ate a little. I'll definitely use his recipes to wow my guests one day. 

  

Marimba wings

Ingredients

Wings

2 cloves garlic, crushed

2 tablespoons Portuguese chicken spice

1 tablespoon lemon juice

2 tablespoons tomato sauce

1 tot white wine

Chilli, optional

Sweet potatoes (for the chips)

Spicing the wings

Method

• Coat chicken in spice
• Brown in hot oil
• *oil must be hot so as not to wash the spice off the chicken
• Add garlic
• Add lemon juice
• You can add chilli at this stage
• Add tomato sauce, then ginger
• Remove from the stove and finish off in the microwave.

Dessert ingredients

1 cup fresh cream

Sweet Potato Dessert

Half cup raisins

Half cup condensed milk

3 medium sweet potatoes

Method

• Boil sweet potatoes
• Mash them until smooth and lump-free
• Blend the cream to ensure that it sets
• Mix cream, sweet potatoes and condensed milk
• Add raisins, leaving a few for garnishing, and mix again until they are evenly distributed in the mixture
• Put the mixture in individual bowls and garnish with raisins, strawberries and mint.

 About the Chef

Chef Master Mtsetfwa

Chef Master Mtsetfwa has been cooking at Asante Guesthouse for the past two years even though he has been cooking for about three and half years now. He said his love for cooking came from performing chores for his mother in the kitchen. When he discovered that he could actually cook, he decided to take up cooking as a profession. Chef Master is juggling many balls all at once: he is working, studying Hospitality Management, and teaching part-time at Stan Catering. He’s available at Asante Guesthouse, Manzini on +268 2505 3556.

*Published in Times of Swaziland May 22, 2015

The wonder that is childbirth...

 My friend Zanele is in the maternity ward right now, waiting to be induced before she welcomes her second baby to the world. She is in Harare and I’m keeping her company from Manzini via whatsapp. Lucky fish! When I was waiting to be induced in 2006, there was no whatsapp. I was, however, fortunate to have my mother and husband sitting with me in the ward, waiting for my gynaecologist, Dr Nyaumwe to come.

The labour ward is a traumatic place to find oneself. Women were screaming their heads off and it really scared the living daylights out of me. I wondered if I would also scream in the same way or if I would be braver when my turn came. My mother, while sitting next to my husband, made the grave mistake of telling one of the screamers to be brave. In very colourful language, the woman told mum how sex was beautiful yet its rewards were painful. That was a very awkward moment.

Zanele has been giving me blow by blow accounts of what she’s witnessing in the ward:

The noise which is here from other women is so traumatising. God help me.

 Sha the people who are in labour now were induced in the morning. One has justdelivered amidst ear-deafening screams, the other has just been wheeled off to the delivery room. There’s one left and she’s performing like nobody’s business. 

It’s funny, people scream and wail but no tears come out. I got here while pain free so I’m taking in everything around me.

 There is one woman opening her legs so much that I don’t know where to look. I pray I don’t do that. I understand why some people opt for C-section now …to maintain dignity.

 A nurse has come to see the woman opening her legs and said, “iii vasikana, regai kushamisa shamisa zvinhu zvenyu” 

That woman who was opening her legs is now hitting everything she can lay her hands on and throwing herself on the floor, kicking things…the nurses are not amused 

When I went to deliver my son, I carried my bible with me and when the women were screaming their heads off, I read them bible verses that I thought would help them bear the pain better. I also offered to make tea for them and had to stop when one of them snapped at me and told me to mind my own business. What a meanie, I thought.  I had no idea what kind of pain it was because I had never been through it and the doctor hadn’t induced me yet. When it eventually came, I literally lost my mind. I actually don’t even remember anything that happened during the time that I was in pain, but I know I did not scream. So I was sharing this with Zanele and she said she also didn’t scream. Some people just aren’t screamers and choose to keep it gangsta, like me J.

At some point during the chat I started to feel very emotional, knowing that while I was watching Robbie Williams and The Lighthouse Family on VH1, someplace else there were people in agony giving birth to future ministers, teachers, musicians, prostitutes or thieves. Unfortunately you can never tell how your child will turn out when you give birth. All you can do is bath in the glory of having brought someone into the world. It took me back to the time when I was doing court-reporting in Joburg. Sometimes there would be this thug standing accused of incredibly atrocious crimes. The mother, who never missed any of his appearances, would be sitting in the gallery, teary-eyed and blowing kisses to her beloved son. Some mothers would bring cigarettes for their sons who committed gruesome murders so that they could use them to buy favours in jail and stay safe. It didn’t matter what they had done, they would still be someone’s precious baby. Zanele remarked how some mothers actually got angry at the offended for having their children arrested.

Motherhood is precious, but can also be heartbreaking. Everybody who gives birth to a loved baby has high hopes for it; visitors come and say prayers for the baby to have a blessed life. But in some cases, the babies will disappoint as they grow, whether by choice or inadvertently. Some do make their parents proud and make them cry for joy, like Chad Le Clos, Beyoncé and other less celebrated former babies that do well in life. And then there the opposites, but they won’t show their true colours at birth, so they allow you to rejoice too. At that priceless moment when you hold your fragile bundle of joy, flooded with tenderness, you never think you will have to deal with looking for bail money, or negotiate with aggrieved women whose husbands your daughter would have “snatched”, or the heartbreak of sitting in a doctor’s room and be told that your child is autistic L. At that moment when you hold a newborn baby, there’s no tomorrow, or day after tomorrow. You just live in the moment, praising the Lord for a wonderful gift that many yearn for and might never receive. You never imagine that one day you could be on your knees asking the Lord, “Why, Lord, oh why….?”