What does 'aging gracefully' mean?

I was thinking of a discussion I had with one beauty therapist, and it resulted in this post. She said when you hit 30 years of age, you should start using anti-aging products to protect the skin from the effects of the ticking clock. So I was just reflecting on what else involves aging gracefully.

I want to age gracefully, and believe that the person I will become when I’m old and shriveled is dependent on the decisions I make now, how I live my life at this moment. I think aging gracefully involves being content about life, embracing the metamorphosis that my body will go through without kicking and screaming and competing with teenagers, and being an old woman that inspires younger people, making them realise that it’s not all doom and gloom in the twilight years.

I can’t be a gratified old woman if I don’t live my life to my full potential, because that is what would make me kick and scream against my age, always wish I could turn back the hands of time and fulfill my dreams. i want to be able to do the things that I set out to do and be able to crush the obstacles that I meet along the way. i want, when I hit 70, to feel that I was responsible for my life and not feel resentful of anyone for having snatched my blessings from me. Everybody is running their own race, and I want to be glorious in my own without allowing anyone to keep their lane and invade mine too.

"Lord make me absolutely honest and don’t let me be too poor or too rich. Give me just what I need. If I have too much to eat, I might forget about you; if I don’t have enough, I might steal and disgrace your name." Proverbs 30: 8-9

Being wealthy has never been one of my goals in life. I, however, do not want the burden of black tax being saddled on my children who also have to worry about their own lives. I’m not looking after them so that they can one day #paybackthemoney, no, I’m not a loan shark. I am their mother and want to set them up for a good life one day. I want to be comfortable without being filthy rich, without ever showing up at my children’s door every day reminding them “forget not those who raised you”, demanding eternal gratitude. I also don’t want my children showing up daily on my doorstep asking for money because I believe I’m making enough effort right now to ensure that I wean them off one day and have sufficiently prepared them to live independent lives. If they keep coming back to me, then I’ll probably be disappointed with them and myself, wondering where I went wrong raising them.  

You can’t age gracefully if you feel you spent your years serving other people, especially a spouse, and did nothing for yourself. For that reason, I strive to also live my life for me. I should love my children and spouse and must never allow life to get to a point where I feel I’ve been robbed of my life. Marriage is, regrettably, one life decision that makes a lot of people toss and turn in their graves with bitterness. It should be about sharing, give and take. The society that raised me believes women should give up their lives for their husbands through misrepresentation of culture and religion. I’ll keep my eye on the ball; I want to age gracefully so I will insist on taking as much as I give. I don’t want to end up biting my husband’s heads off and always chanting, “You idiot! I gave you 40 freaking years of my life!!” I should always remember that marriage is about companionship, sharing a life. It’s not glorified enslavement. I want to also walk away with something from the years, not feel I always gave and never received.

I don’t ever want to be a bitter old woman whose utterances people always put down to senility. I know a number of old people like that, who always put their foot in it and people want to vindicate them and end up saying aah varegererei kani vakura (leave them alone, can’t you see they’re old now?) after they have offended others. The kind of old people who are just nasty and people put it down to age when it’s just sheer wickedness, I’ve seen a number of them and each family has one or two. Age is not supposed to make people malicious. I think people are supposed to be mellower as they grow older, but I doubt that can happen when you have unfulfilled hopes and dreams and feel you have unfinished business and the world owes you a whole lot more before you are relegated to pushing daisies. You can’t believe nor stand how time has passed you by, and you look at younger people living their lives and you feel the bile rising up your throat. You want to throw up on what they have achieved because you didn’t get your chance.

Gym is painful and picking what food you put into your body isn’t too much fun either. But I’m going to persist in taking care of my body without aspiring to ever look like Naomi Campbell. I don’t want to be an obese grandma that looks at toned people my age and turn yellow, wishing I had jogged when my knees still permitted.

Like wine, I want to get better with age. I want to be a fountain on knowledge for the younger people around me. For that reason, I’ll read widely for my own gratification and to benefit those around me too. I would also not want to be the all work and no play kind of old woman. I would want to be the Mbuya Mlambo kind of woman, who kids can still come to for a bit of fun.

When my time comes, I hope I’ll be able to check out with a smile, knowing that I ran my race and accomplished everything that I set out to do.

Song – don’t stop thinking about tomorrow

As usual, I wanted to find out what my friends thought around aging:

Vision: ageing is a thing of the past. If Aids won’t kill me, a bomb somewhere might. Too much going on nowadays.

Tatenda: Aging gracefully means enjoying sex in my old age, looking good for my age, having achieved things on my life’s to-do list, travelling, and being able to enjoy and afford the finer things in life. 

Miriam: I will accept that I’m aging by wearing what’s suitable for my age and being as natural as possible, e.g. wouldn’t want to be seen wearing bright lipstick or something like that. I would like to tend a small garden at the back of my house just to do something, not be seen still employed especially in a foreign land. I would have invested for this time, of course.

Erica: Aging gracefully means accepting change, i.e. physical changes and finding meaningful activities to occupy myself with. I’m not going to worry over my sagging boobs, my hair turning grey or my period disappearing for good.

Milcah: Aging gracefully for me is still having my ideal weight, still enjoying hobbies, maintaining inner and outer beauty, and emptying my bucket list.

Susan: Aging gracefully involves saving for a house (preferably country/farm house) where I can have a garden, a dog or two, chickens. Pension in place, eating clean from my produce mostly, exercising and clean air in the country, travelling - close to nature, going to my natural hair, spending time with loved ones, minding my own business, wines, teas, fireplaces, having few but quality things – clothes, food, holidays, less stress especially on things I can’t change, connecting with my spiritual side, doing more good.

Sihle: Aging gracefully is an all-rounder. It takes all aspects of our lives like exercising and eating right, reading to stay abreast  with new happenings and to keep your mind sharp, doing what makes you happy, because when you are a happy person you are able to effectively help your family, making time to help other people, getting involved in community activities and so on. If you are fortunate to realise your purpose, you should run with it, not just be idle.   

Tadiwa: you age gracefully when you have no bitterness; you accomplished what you wished for like shelter and good education for the kids.

Bright: aging is a challenge or nightmare to most. In order to age well, you should have the right state of mind (less stress and/or knowing how to deal with stressful situations). I guess exercising, eating healthy and general fitness will get you there. Of course some people can get very old without enjoying their lives because they can’t afford the above. Imagine if at 60 you can’t afford varsity fees for your children. It will trouble you for the rest of your life.

Mirrie: The key is to enjoy and accept the age you are. For example, you don’t act too young when you are much older. An older man shouldn’t be seen chasing after little girls when he’s supposed to be concentrating on his family. I think for me it also means being well-provided for, looking good, and being happy.

Understanding mental illness in the African context

A mentally ill man at his "residence" in Manzini, Swaziland

On the 10^th of this month, the world commemorated Mental Health Day. I have decided to also add my little voice to raise awareness as I really don’t think enough noise is made in Africa regarding issues of mental health. They are among the least understood conditions on the continent. In the countries that I’ve resided in – Zimbabwe, South Africa and Swaziland, the trend is almost similar. People believe that mental illness is not a medical, but spiritual condition. Where there is mental illness, there has to be an enemy involved, a dark-hearted aunt who doesn’t want to see his brother’s children progress, a jealous neighbour or an ugly witching grandmother. Alternatively, the illness is attributed to avenging spirits. Sometimes there are tales of an ancestor that murdered someone whose spirit is not at peace and is now manifesting in the form of mental illness in the affected individual.

In my mother language, Shona, there is no distinction among different forms of mental health conditions. There are various ways of describing it, which are largely derogatory without being distinctive. While in English there are names for mental conditions such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and eating, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive and post-traumatic stress disorders as well as neurodevelopmental conditions such as autism and Down Syndrome, in Shona, anyone with a mental condition is simply called benzi (mad person) or “sascam”, (derived from Salisbury Association for the Care of the African Mentally Handicapped, an organisation in pre-independent Zimbabwe) if they have a mild disorder or learning difficulties. Those who throw such terms around might not realise how terrible they are, until someone in their circle is affected. Poking fun at mental conditions or any condition that afflicts other people for that matter, while targeted at demeaning those affected actually makes the offending person stand out for their ignorance. I’m really convinced that people are not educated enough on mental health, which results in people who might be mentally ill or depressed avoiding seeing psychiatrist because thereof the vile stigma attached to mental illnesses, with very adverse consequences sometimes.

The belief that mental illnesses are only spiritual attacks is what has resulted in many mentally ill people sometimes getting neglected and roaming around the streets because some people believe they cannot be helped in hospitals. In some cases, mentally ill people pose a danger to themselves and the community, which is why it is essential for them to get help. Dr Violet Mwanjali, a Psychiatrist and Mental Health Specialist, said the majority of mental illnesses, among them depression and suicide, could be totally treated if those affected consulted mental health professionals. Those illnesses that cannot be treated can be managed, the same way ailments like diabetes and hypertension can. People with mental illness can lead normal, fulfilling lives if they get the correct help and take their medication as prescribed. There is, however, a disturbing trend of people neglecting to take their medication whenever they feel better. They would hate to take the medication because once people know that you take medication for a mental illness, song and dance will be made out of it. Asthmatics and diabetics fall short of sticking their inhalers and insulin injections on their foreheads because they are not ashamed of their ailments. Mental illness, however, has to be hidden at all costs because it’s regarded as shameful and evil. My friend, Sihle, was telling me a nurse told her most people ended up not taking medication because pastors or spiritual healers encouraged them to do so believing they were healed by the holy spirit. I’ve seen that happen a lot.  Some people say if you believe in Jesus don’t take medication. But I believe it is God that leads me to the right places so that I can get the help I need. It would be folly to reject that help because doctors were created by Him so that they could help us.

I really pray that more is done to enlighten people on mental conditions so that they can be supportive to affected individuals, who with the right support, can also be contributing members of society. 

The Parent I would like to be

Headlines like this one are a common sight all over the world

Daily reports of violent crime show that we now live in a highly dysfunctional society full of angry people.  A lot of the aggression in the world is usually attributed to the background of the perpetrators. While I feel that a person should choose his own path, carve his own niche in life, without perpetually blaming his rough childhood, it’s probably easier said than done. David Holmes supported this theory while commenting on the case of William Bonin, the first man in California to bring execution by lethal injection after sexually abusing and killing 21 boys between the ages of 12 and 19. Holmes said a child’s dark side can flourish in an abusive environment. This essentially means that every child might have his good and bad sides, but his upbringing has the power to determine which side becomes more prominent.

I strive to be the best mother in the world. If they ever offer a medal for it on the world stage, I want people to feel they would have done the universe a disservice if they didn’t give it to me. My children didn’t choose me as their mother; I created them, with God’s blessings and a little help from their dad. I willfully brought them on this planet; they were not a mistake or an accident. For that reason, I should always be looking out for their best interest because they are my responsibility. For various reasons, our spouses or partners can walk away from us and get somebody else. Our kids, however, cannot replace us even if they wanted to. They are stuck with us for life, so I should make sure that my presence in my children’s lives is as painless as possible. As long as I’m here, my children should never have to turn to strangers for something that I can provide. I want to be the kind of parent that won’t give a snake to my children when they ask for fish.

My children should be free to create their own paths

God is our spiritual parent, and I’m the earthly one for my children. My deeds should clearly show that I’m His representative to my children. Before I react to anything they do, I should first ask myself how I would feel if God, being my father, reacted to me the same way.

In his book, Daddy, come home, actor Zane Meas laments the absence of fathers in their children’s lives and the impact that has on the latter. There is a line in the book that says, “Boys join gangs because they don’t belong to a gang called family led by a leader called a father.” As an avid viewer of the programme Khumbulekhaya on SABC 1, I’m always overcome with sadness upon realizing that there are also mothers that dump their babies in their infancy, never to come back for them again. This just makes me more determined to cushion my children from the pain in this world by always being present when they need me. Under no circumstances will they ever feel orphaned or rejected while I’m still alive.

I want to be exemplary to my children, when I’m wrong, I will apologise, even to them. I will teach them that being pig-headed especially when wrong, is in no way a sign of strength; it’s actually idiotic. I will not show any partiality to my children. None of them should ever be made to feel better or worse than the other based on their endeavors or gifts in life. I will do as I would be done by.

In the society I come from, if children point out the mistakes of their parents, they are threatened with all sorts of bad things like getting disowned or avenging spirits coming to haunt them once the parent dies. Some children, upon being charged and convicted of the crime of insulting their parents, are condemned to recompense their parents with an ox or goat; just for standing up for what they believe in. All this is simply because a parent won’t say sorry and is trying to teach his child a lesson never to accuse them of wrong-doing ever again. In other words, keep your pain to yourself. If I do wrong, don’t you dare speak about it or you’ll pay, literally! By refusing to just say sorry dysfunctional families are created and dysfunctional families make a dysfunctional society. Those children will also grow up to be spouses and parents who also do not apologise for their wrongdoing, because it was never part of their vocabulary. In this kind of scenario, from an early age, parent to child conversation is never fostered and children are taught to bottle up their pain and not speak out when they should. Putting a lid on emotions can be catastrophic because one day they will boil over. Asking a child not to speak out is blocking communication channels between him and the parent. And we act surprised when people commit suicide because they feel all alone in a burdensome world, and children zip their mouths about things they should speak about, like sexual abuse. I will keep communication channels open so that my kids never have to feel they are alone with no-one to turn to. . Home should be a safe haven, that place a child knows he’s cushioned from the big bad world. If we fail to make a child feel safe at home, then we have totally failed as parents.

Cool mummy by Michelle Mudekunye

I want to be a cool mummy, one that my children will be proud of. I think it is a misconception that if you get too close to them, your children will walk all over you. Children do need a firm hand, but there is a notoriously thin line between that and an iron fist. I want to be a pal, without ever letting them forget who’s boss. Most parents believe that to be a parent worth his salt is to always be ready to crack the whip at the drop of a hat and make your children quake in their boots all the time. I would like my children to fear irresponsible behaviour as it can irrevocably impact their lives, but under no circumstances should they fear me.  I’ll ensure that they know the door is always open if they want to discuss anything under the sun. I will teach them never to let things fester in their heart because that is corrosive to relationships, and consequently, life itself.

I would like to teach my kids to fear God, to respect themselves, and others so that they can also be worthy of respect. Our accomplishment as parents is measured by the deeds of our offspring, more often than not. For example, when a child behaves badly out there, people are known to ask whose child is that, didn’t your mother teach you to knock first before you enter? Didn’t your mother teach you not to stare? When people encounter my children, I want them to say, “Wow, your mother raised you well!” even if they have never met me. It would break my heart if anyone ever called my child, “son of a b&*$h!”

My favourite channels on TV are Investigation Discovery and Crime Investigation (CI). This afternoon I watched a documentary on CI about the murder of 12 year-old Autumn Pasquale in Clayton, New Jersey by 15 year-old Justin Robinson. Robinson, apparently had grown up seeing his father strangle his mother, and that was how he also killed Pasquale. After the conviction, Autumn’s father started a petition for Autumn’s Law. Under this law, abusive or neglectful parents were to be held accountable for their children’s wrongdoing. At the time of writing, more than 13 000 people had signed, but others didn’t agree with him, especially considering that Anita Saunders, the killer’s mother was the one that turned her son in after noticing his suspicious comment on Facebook. I agreed with one blogger who said,

 “Sadly, some kids are just psychopaths and sociopaths by nature. You can raise them right and if it is genetically in them, there’s no kind of parenting than can deprogram that.” 

Obviously some things will not be in my power to change, but where I can, I’ll show up.

I want to raise my children to be strong individuals who don’t run a mile with their tails between their legs and find unhealthy escape routes when problems come. They should sit down and work out solutions. It is also perfectly OK to ask for help from the right people when one is really stuck, but being self-sufficient is more ideal.

From my own conduct, my children will learn not to allow a person, particularly a spouse, to take over their whole life.  They should never lose their sense of self because they invited someone into their life. If their marriages or relationships fail, they should be aware that they always have a place in my house, beneath my protective wings if they want a place to lick their wounds from. I’ll also lick their wounds with them like Mother Dog.  They should never endure miserable marriages on my account, just to boost my street cred.  (There is a lot of street cred commanded from marrying off your kids in the society I come from.) I will tell my children that sometimes people make poor life choices, but it doesn’t mean they should be enslaved by them for the rest of their lives.  They can’t replace their parents, but they can definitely replace an abusive spouse.

Love should ooze in everything I do for my children

One day I will have to loosen the apron strings. I have no intention to sever them completely. When my children are older and have flown out of the nest, getting a call from me should be the highlight of their day. They must never tremble or wish to run into the wilderness in trepidation upon seeing my name on their phones, fearing I’ll make unreasonable demands and threats. I’ll never use emotional blackmail to guilt-trip my children.  Words like one day when I’m gone you’ll wish you had treated me better will never escape my lips. My children should never have to wonder if I love them or not. Love should be oozing from the words that I say to them and the things that I do to or for them.  Even if I spank them or lash out at their offences, they should know it’s coming from a place of love and it’s all for their own good and not my desire to inflict pain. And, yes, I will spank. I believe in not sparing the rod to spoil the child. I don’t care much for the hogwash that corporal punishment has been outlawed.  I didn’t turn out to be this awesome parent by getting away with murder haha!