You never really know people

In his testimony before the parliamentary committee investigating allegations of corruption in the South Africa Police Service, former Police Minister Bheki Cele said murder was not ruled out in Anele Tembe's death, but prosecutors refused to take the case forward. Anele was popular rapper AKA's fiancée, and she died after 'falling' from the 10th floor of a Cape Town hotel in April 2021. Her death was believed to be a su!cide, which her family and those close to her still dispute. There had been counter-allegations of abuse on the relationship, but mostly against AKA, who was subsequently shot dead in Durban in February 2023, almost two weeks after his 35th birthday.

In the wake of Cele's comments, AKA's father, Tony Forbes, came out in defence of his son. He said he wasn't a killer, wasn't aggressive, loved Anele dearly, and had even asked for her hand in marriage two weeks before she 'jumped'. Tony said the ex-minister's comments were hurtful and unfair. I do feel for him because it's definitely not pleasant to have your dead son's name dragged in the mud. I don't know if AKA took his fiancée life or not. In fact, nobody does. The two people involved aren't here anymore to speak for themselves. What I know, however, is that you can never really vouch for your child or loved ones. Our sweet, obedient and God-fearing children can be absolute monsters in other circles, especially to their intimate partners. It would hurt to hear someone describe your sweet little prince as abusive, but people are capable of such ugliness despite the good side they choose to show to those they hoodwink. There was another case this week at a Cape Town school, where a group of teens ganged up on a schoolmate, flogging him with an assortment of objects such as belts, a hockey stick and I don't know what else because I couldn't bring myself to watch. I'm sure the parents of those evil little thugs are also horrified to see a side of their children they didn't know existed. So next time someone claims they are being abused or have been abused by someone you love or think you know well, don't be quick to dismiss them and say oh I've worked with him for 20 years and he's the most humble of people, he preaches at church every Sunday, he donates to the poor and has no mean bone in his body, or whatever else you think you know. Abusive people are actually two-faced and pick who to show their ugliness. That's why there will always be people who will put their heads on the chopping block for them, believing them to be incapable of cruelty. People, men especially, buy flowers and cars everyday for women they beat to a pulp behind closed doors. Serial killers and child abusers are mostly known in their communities as upstanding people who wouldn't hurt a fly. Even Adolf Hitler had a legion of supporters too!

Skye needs her beauty sleep

My father says Skye is the ugliest dog he's ever seen. I disagree, but because the bible in Exodus says we should honour our fathers and mothers so that our lives on earth can be lengthened, I chose not to argue and let him be. It's starting to get warmer now in Joburg, with Spring Day just hours away. It was bitterly cold in winter and Skye, who usually likes to sleep outside, was amenable to sleeping in the house. She would drag her bed to Rudairo's room, which is now pretty much hers too. Rudairo doesn't mind sharing her room, but Skye sometimes prances a lot and barks late at night, as dogs do. Tonight I heard Rudairo shouting at her saying, "This is why some people say you're ugly. How do you get cute when you hardly get any of your beauty sleep?😆😆

A year since #MarshalltownFire

Today is the first anniversary of an inferno that killed 76 people at a hijacked building in the Joburg CBD. Some of the people failed to escape owing to informal structures that had been built within that building which hampered their escape, while others jumped to their deaths. The remains of some of the victims are still in state mortuaries, unidentified. A very articulate man was interviewed by many media houses, and claimed to have woken up to find his room engulfed in smoke. During a commission of inquiry into the fire, chaired by Justice Sisi Khampepe, that same man, 31-year-old Sithembiso Lawrence Mdlalose , was called to testify as a witness.

Unprovoked,  he blurted out that he had caused the fire as he was trying to conceal a murder he had just committed while high on some drug. He was subsequently arrested and charged with arson, 76 counts of murder, and 86 of attempted murder. His case was repeatedly postponed as authorities tried to verify his details and conduct further investigations. In the last update I've seen, he was still in custody in March, but my colleague Ziniko Mhlaba, who's covering the story, says his lawyer successfully argued that the confession was inadmissible, following which Mdlalose was released. The commission of inquiry found the City of Joburg and Johannesburg Property Company liable for the disaster. No one has been held accountable. 76 people. Try counting to 76, that's how many people died in a horrific manner. They were staying in that building illegally,  but that doesn't mean they had to be incinerated alive. Their deaths could have been avoided, but someone slept on their job to avoid them getting into that building. They're clearly still sleeping because another fire killed four people in another hijacked building in the same CBD last week.

When a plan backfires

 

This former police officer, Lucky Mudau, went to the hospital where his partner, Lebo Monene, worked in February last year and pumped her body with several bullets before turning the gun on himself. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on where you're standing, he didn't die. He suffered spinal cord injury and became paralysed from the neck down. He was sentenced to 25 years in jail this week, but the court said he would not be imprisoned as there's no correctional facility that can accommodate a quadriplegic. He's unable to do anything for himself whatsoever, and now needs assistance to do even the most basic things.

The woman's family is upset with the judgment. They feel Mudau, by avoiding prison, has dodged the bullet, excuse the pun. They wanted him to be made to stand in court so they could be satisfied that he's indeed unable to do so. And who blames them for being suspicious? People who've been pardoned on their death beds have been seen walking, playing golf, and even dancing in some instances. What if Lucky Mudau is seen standing on his own two feet and shopping at Woolworths in a few months? What happens then? 

I wanted to say I hope he lives well into his 90s so that he can have sufficient time to carry his cross and reflect on the heinous crime he committed.  But because I strive to be a good Christian, I'll just keep quiet and pray for the children he orphaned.

It's just heartbreaking that he took a mother from her two children, a daughter from her parents and a contributing member of society. Now he's unemployed and helpless, and has essentially taken himself from his child, parents and other loved ones too. He's now a permanent burden to everyone around him. If life had rewinds and second takes, he would go back to that fateful moment and just walk away. Move on with his life and leave her breathing to move on with hers. Sometimes it's costly to always want to have the last say, as he knows fully well now, I presume.

Father's Day: My 2 Cents

I just remembered something yesterday on Father's Day, and I didn't want to  'preach' about it then, because I don't want to be one of "those women" accused of trying to steal the shine from men on their special day. My colleague Tondani actually commented that Mother's Day is always a very peaceful occasion, with people showing their love to the women in their lives.

Come Father's Day, the mood becomes very combative and there's blood on the streets, especially when the mom-dads hijack the day to vent about deadbeat dads and pat themselves on the back for stepping up to the plate and wearing both mom and dad hats for their offspring. I'll reserve my comments on this, at least for now, because my real issue is about how most men aren't equipped or don't equip themselves to be parents in the absence of their children's mothers. They can only parent effectively in the presence of a woman. Boggles the mind how they're then touted as the heads of the house. This obviously doesn't apply to every man. I was raised by a very hands-on father who would sweep the house, cook, do the dishes, nurse me back to health during my asthma crises, and am aware there are many such dads. But the majority 👐🏾.

Tragedy befell a young family very close to mine and the outcome caused us all so much distress. The mother died in her prime and left two very young children. After her funeral, the children were split between two relatives that live very far from each other, because it would have been burdensome for both of them to go to one family. Of bigger concern was the consensus that the father couldn't look after his children by himself without his wife. So not only had the poor kids lost their mom, but they also ended up losing their dad and each other. They'll grow up without a bond and probably won't even remember each other's faces anymore. If it were up to me, I'd have preferred for another plan that didn't involve separating the children from each other and their father to be made. If the tables were turned, people would never take the children away from their mother to be raised by other relatives because the father had passed away. Regardless of the circumstances - whether the mom has a full-time job or is unemployed, the children would stay with her, unless of course there are exceptional circumstances. In most instances. The removal of a mother from a household strongly mirrors the death of the queen bee in a hive.

In her absence, the hive goes into total chaos. But we're not bees. We're human beings and both parents must be capable of independently steering the ship should need arise.

Some men do fight to keep their children following their wives' demise, but there's usually a lot of pressure or expectation for them to quickly bounce back and find another mother for their children, because of the general belief that they won't cope on their own. Some families even donate the wife's sister to the widowed man so that she can help raise the children. Excuses are created for men to find new companions as soon as possible - "for the children and for stability".  If a woman loses her husband, however, the general expectation is for her to not rush back to the dating scene. They'll say chimbomira zvechibhishu ucheme murume nekuchengeta vana. Hello, how about finding a dad for the kids🤷🏾‍♀️? Who said women don't also need to he stabilised? 

Men really have it much easier than women.
I remember Tsitsi Dangarembga referring to the burden of womanhood, in Nervous Conditions. At that time these were just empty words, but as I grow older I actually see it all around me and even feel it. At funerals, everyone is watching the wife intently to see if she's grieving properly, that means wailing like a good heartbroken African woman who's sad to lose her husband, refusing to eat even if your stomach is gnawing from hunger, and fainting if possible. It's actually quite easy to faint when you're hungry. Even if the deceased husband was abusive and the wife's tears got depleted from weeping due to his indiscretions while he was still alive, she still has to cry for optics, and as they say, apunyaira haashai misodzi. If you try hard enough the tears will come. And your aunts won't be sitting very far from you, encouraging you to cry visibly for the world to see. Men don't have to. Even if they don't have a single tear, people will still feel sorry for them and say, shame his heartbreak is written all over his face, but he's being brave. Zviri kutongooneka kuti ari kushinga semunhu wemurume. Where is the bravery when the children need to be raised? Friends even ensure there's enough booze flowing in the bereaved man's direction. Try drinking at the funeral of your husband and see what a stink that would raise!  But I know of one incident when a colleague of a friend lost his wife and was quite inconsolable and sobbing hard. That man's drunk friend came and started yelling at him not to cry so hard. He said uri kubva wachema kudai asi wanga usina girlfriend here?

Aha! Now we have the answer to why some men don't cry at their spouses' funerals. The support system would already be waiting in the wings. They don't even have to go back to scour the streets "for a mother for their children". Please🙄, we're not stupid. All that has nothing to do with the children.

Almost everything I've said here is a sideshow. The one thing I wanted to say was that men need to grow a pair and be present in their children's lives. You can't wish your children away. Whether there's divorce, death, anything, as long as you're not incapacitated, look after your children. Be hands on. Even if you think the mother is strong enough, kana dai ari Chihera, she's not a dad. She's a mom and you need to be the dad. If you don't occupy your space as a dad, there will always be a void that will manifest in your children's lives, especially when they have their own families.

Who needs enemies? Nomia's conviction

Former police officer Rosemary Nomia Ndlovu has been convicted of the six murders of her sister, nephew, nieces, cousin and boyfriend.

She took out life  insurance policies on them, then organised hits and benefitted about R1.4 million in payouts. 

Ndlovu was arrested while attempting to order another hit on her sister and the sister's 5 kids. She's also been found guilty of the attempted murder of her mom.

The hitman sent to take out the mom and a 5-month-old baby actually arrived at the mom's house,  but developed cold feet or grew a conscience upon seeing how old she was. He asked for water to drink and left. Rosemary wanted her own mother dead! How twisted does it get? 

One's head spins trying to keep track of the people she killed or wanted dead.  She has no contrition whatsoever.

That's her posing for cameras in court, with her ridiculous eyebrows and hairstyles that she changed on every appearance like panties, flashing signs and pouting throughout her trial. What a nutcase! Her sentencing is on the 5th of November, then off to jail she goes. But good Lord, who needs enemies with a relative like Nomia! She's the face of evil on wheels.

Life's little lessons

File Photo 

Trust life to slap you in the face and make you think of the things that really matter. This past week I visited a friend in Lyndhurst, and on my way back my navigator indicated that there would be an about 45-minute delay on the N1 highway due to a crash. I was running late home and, needless to say, very frustrated with the congestion. I just wished people would be more careful on the roads to avoid impacting the lives of others.

As I sat there grinding my teeth, a part of me even regretted visiting the friend, seeing how inconvenienced I was now.

As a creature of habit I'm always home at a specific time, and on the day that I decided to go against my routine, this happens! 

Everyone who has ever sat in traffic most likely relates. It's the most tedious way to spend one's time. We have lives and things to do, and can't just be sitting on a highway in the sweltering heat, not progressing. 

People have drawn their guns and shot others in rage after sitting in traffic for too long. During my protracted sit on the N1 that day - while not condoning violence - I somehow understood the driving force of road rage. 

At a snail's pace I eventually got to the cause of the delay. There had been a horrific crash, and two bodies were still at the scene covered with the silver foil we all know too well. 

Suddenly my anger over the delay wholly dissipated. I was instead flooded by a mixture of emotions. I felt sad for the deceased. They were obviously also headed somewhere, as we all were, on that highway when their lives were suddenly cut short. Somebody somewhere, probably their children, parents, or spouses, was waiting for them at home but would get bad news instead. Their families would never see them walk through the door, nor hear their voices ever again. 

File Photo

Such morbid and depressing reflections, but also other people's reality. I felt bad for being cross that I was delayed, yet I was still alive and still had time to do the things I wanted to do. At the same time, I also felt there was there wasn't much time for nonsense, and no time like the present to do everything our hearts desire because you just never know… 

When I eventually got home, almost an hour later than I would have if the crash had not happened, it was with a sense of gratitude that I hugged my children. I was here and still able to do that. 

The people I saw lying on the road and their children would never be able to experience this. I just felt all these emotions but never really vocalised them for fear of looking like a depressed and depressing weirdo, with a penchant to over-dramatise things. But here I am. I just needed to say it. 

We really shouldn't sweat the small stuff, like traffic delays. There are worse things happening around us, even on the roads we are on, like traffic accidents. We could be late, but should definitely be grateful we are not 'the late'.