Who surrounds you?

I know I wrote about late South African rapper, Jabulani Tsambo aka HHP before. While I didn’t count myself among his biggest fans, I found him to be very profound and sure-footed. It came as a shock to realise he had such serious personal battles that ended up taking his life. I used to pay attention when he spoke, and following his passing, I’ve also listened to what other people say about him.

Jabulani Tsambo aka HHP

I came across a video on YouTube where Kabomo, a South African artist, was speaking at HHP’s memorial service. He said many wonderful things about the late rapper who lost his life to suicide, but what touched my heart most was when he said HHP was a king, who in his dark times did not have enough people reminding him that he was a king. He asked, “Who surrounds you to remind you of your magic when you don’t remember that you’ve got some?” That blew me away.

Sometimes life deals us very huge blows. Blows that make us wonder if we will ever smile again. During such times, it helps to have someone in your corner. However, more often than not, we never really tell those close to us how much we are struggling. If we ever do, we downplay our agony and no-one really gets to know how heavy our burdens are. During our dark days, we are likely to focus more on the things that have gone wrong in our lives without paying attention to those that could make us smile and get us excited about life again. If we can’t remember how to be excited about anything, then that might be the time for our friends to chip in.

My experiences in life have taught me to take care of Number 1 before anyone else. My children are my world, and one would probably wonder why I don’t choose to place their needs before mine. The concept is pretty much similar to the instructions we get during flights. Wear your oxygen mask first before attempting to assist a weaker person. I cannot be a good mom to my children if I’m not in the right space emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, even physically. You have to be fully functional if you are to be effective. That brings me to how to the point of how to stay functional. We need to be careful about the people who surround us and whose voices we listen to with regards to our lives. The wrong people can drain the life out of you until you have no idea whether you are coming or going. They can make you feel you are a smithereen in the bigger scheme of things, most likely because they work hard to break you into one. The wrong voices in our ears can kill your zest for life and stun you into ineptitude.  It’s usually people with small personalities that feel their candles shine brighter when they blow out other people’s. Unfortunately, in our moments of vulnerability, even the weak seeking validity by trying to make others (us) look smaller start to sound very sensible.

We need to trust our own voices, believe in ourselves so that we don’t seek validation from other people. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. I have a friend that always says to me, “Take care of your heart.” I’m passing the same message to you. Look around you; Who surrounds you? Never underestimate the power of negative energy around you. Whose voice do you listen to regarding how important you are to the universe? Do they say things that make you praise God for their presence in your life? If not, step away! There is only one you.

14th Anniversary Conversation with a stranger

As I was shopping for a dress for myself and gift for my husband on the event of our 14^th wedding anniversary, I bumped into this woman at Pick ‘n Pay Clothing. We started chatting about the dresses available, until I eventually told her why I needed a new dress.

She asked, “Do you and your husband get along, or you’re just commemorating because it has to be done?”

She went on to tell me how, for many years, she pretended to celebrate her own anniversary with her now ex-husband. “Thirty-two years!” she said. This woman said stayed that long in the marriage because of cultural considerations. She is of Portuguese/Brazilian descent and said divorce is very much frowned upon. Her husband was a philanderer of note and would spend thousands of Rand wining and dining other women, while spending none on his wife. “I don’t remember him ever taking me on a date. He was emotionally, psychologically and physically abusive. 

One day he threw all her clothes outside the house and told her to leave. She sat outside the house as she waited for her sister to come and pick her. As soon as the sister arrived, the man sprinted towards them, pointed a gun to his sister-in-law’s head, and told her to drive back to her house and not interfere in other people’s relationships. She had no option but to drive off without her sister. The man with the gun has the final say. He then turned the gun on his wife, told her to pick up all her clothes from the yard and go back inside the house like a good wife. She complied.

She endured more years of abuse until her grown daughter sat her down and said, “Mum, I’m very ashamed of you. You are nothing but a doormat. Where is your pride as a woman and as a human being to allow yourself to be treated this way?” That was all the talk she needed to pack up and leave this man for good. She moved to a different suburb and got a peace order on him when he started threatening her life. Left all to himself with no-one to bully, the man just crumbled to pieces. His life just spiralled downwards until he decided to leave South Africa for Brazil. His ex-wife’s relatives in Brazil say he has fallen on hard times and is nothing but a shadow of his former self. Initially the family blamed her for the collapse of her marriage and thought she should have been more resilient. Now that they are closer to the man and see him for the loser he really is, they can’t pat her on the back enough for mustering the courage to leave him.

I couldn’t help marvelling at how almost similar our backgrounds are in terms of views on marriage and divorce, despite the racial difference. She told me she has had a very peaceful and enriching life since leaving him, her only regret being that she was hesitant to leave for far too long. She has been able to socialise and come and go as she pleases, which she couldn’t do under his thumb. He believed he was the only one in the union entitled to happiness, and hers was just to remember to keep her tail tucked neatly between her legs around him. When that power to dictate was taken away from him, he could not survive. We give abusers the power they think they have, and when we disallow it, we expose them for the cowards they really are. This probably applies to everybody that believes they are in positions of authority, such as political leaders, bosses in the workplace, and of course, abusive spouses. No-one can bully you without your acquiescence.

We had such an intense discussion on marriage, particularly the abusive side of it.  So intense that at the end of it all, we parted ways without having exchanged numbers, let alone names. We probably stood there talking for close to an hour. Pick ‘n Pay staff must have wondered what we were still doing there.

Of course, some will claim I didn’t get the husband’s side of the story, but I choose to believe everything she told me. It’s a story I’ve heard one time too many. I really wish I had taken her number so we could chat again. My 14^th anniversary celebrations were great, but I think I’ll remember the day for the conversation I had with this lady.  That is why I have decided to share it.