In a recent episode of one of my
favourite South African soapies, Ashes to Ashes, a young man, Tsietsi was about
to get married. The father, Sello and his friend, Mickey were standing with him
in an office and the father asked Mickey to help him counsel Tsietsi on how to
handle marriage. Together they said if you ever have a girlfriend and her bed
is warmer, always ensure you sleep at home every day. If the other woman is a
good cook, eat her food but make sure you eat again at home. If your wife
catches you out, lie! Remember your lie and stick to it. BOOM! Marriage
counselling was done in less than two minutes. They were convinced they had equipped
the young man for his upcoming marriage. I just thought to myself, what a load
of BS.
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| Picture sourced from Internet |
But this is not just drama. My own
research with men in my circle showed that most men never really got premarital
counselling. They just bumble through marriage with no clue whether they are
coming or going. People just assume, “Oh he’s a man. He’ll figure things out.”
This is hardly fair on the man and the wife he marries. Not giving your son
guidance on marriage is setting him up for disaster. Even if he got an angel
for a wife, it would still not work because it takes two to tango.
I went to my friends and asked
them what advice they would give to their sons and I got what I thought were
very enlightening answers. I do hope all of them follow their own advice. My
input is at the very bottom. Enjoy reading, share with your spouse if you are
already married, do some self-introspection, and most of all, communicate with
your significant other to find out what would make them happier.
FARIKANAI : This is a piece
of advice I just gave to one of my sons in the Lord. 1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye
husband, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife,
as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life;
that your prayers be not hindered. Most married men struggle in life because
they live contrary to this scripture. If you check all men who abuse their
wives, they haven’t achieved much in their lives and they have no peace. It’s
like they reach a dead end. I like the part that says that your prayers may not
be hindered. Yes the basis of a strong and great marriage is God. You need God
in totally every aspect of your marriage. Know that the woman is a weaker
vessel and needs to be taken care of and do not be offended by her weaknesses.
I’d also advise him that he is the head of the family and should provide for
his family. His wife is there to help him and not to fend for the family.
Remember your wife is not your mother to feed you and provide for you. Love
your wife.
CHIZ: I take it this is advice to a son who is ready for marriage,
meaning one who is in a serious relationship and is really considering it! in
which case I would have to repeat the values I have been instilling in him all
along, because for me this topic shouldn’t just pop u at this critical moment
like it did in my own case with my dad. To be honest I don’t remember half the
things he said in that discussion because I brought it up, received the talk,
and in two weeks I was married. This marriage advice should really start from
the time this lad starts noticing girls, at these stages though, it would be
mostly about how he should treat women, what the bible teaches on the subject
etc. be involved in his life, creating an atmosphere where the lad would rather
talk to you about relationships rather than his peers (sounds strange, I know,
but it can be done). So when it comes to the real deal…it’s a matter of
highlighting a few reminders and bringing to his attention some of the
responsibilities that are associated with this life-changing decision and of
course supporting him all the way.
DANIEL: firstly marriage is about giving and receiving. It must be balanced.
If you find yourself just giving or just receiving, there’s something not
right. Secondly never say or do things you don’t want said or done to you. Last
but not least, don’t take someone’s child into marriage if you’re not ready to
love and respect them. They could be happy with someone else so make sure you
make her happy always.
RUTH: what I always tell my son is, “don’t be like your
father,” because he knows all about his father’s cheating ways. He caught him
in the act so he’s been saying he doesn’t want to get married.
SUSAN: would ask him to remember karma, golden rule. And to go out
and experience the world, to know about condoms and safe sex- not to rush to
settle. Have fun, get a profession, travel before you settle and only settle
with one who is your friend – don’t settle
because of societal pressure, and have a bit of time to bond with your
wife before babies. If after two years or so you see that you’re still good,
then procreate – otherwise be free to move on. When you settle dear boy – spoil
her rotten, tell her you love her, appreciate her make-up, her dressing, her
cooking – buy her flowers. Kana mari isipo maputi (When the money isn’t there he can buy maputi.) Kiss and hug her,
hold hands, be her lawyer, her critic (who you criticize with love), be her
best friend, her better half and helper. She isn’t your slave or subordinate –
she is your equal whom you should love and adore. Ndapedza hangu (I’m done here).
TADIWA: I will tell my son that ideally a man should work and
provide for family. The wife is his helper and kubatsira hakumanikidzwi (help
should not be compulsory). He should love his wife and everything else will
fall into place. He should appreciate it when he argues with his wife…the
moment she stops arguing or correcting or ask about his whereabouts…he is SINGLE
again.
MANDY: Work hard for the family. Knowing that family comes before
all else. Respect the wife, support her dreams. No belittling or verbal,
emotional, physical or financial abuse.
- Help the extended family from
afar rather than bringing then into the home. Empirical evidence has proved
that it strains or even ruins the marriage.
- Incorporate wife’s suggestions
and make decisions together rather than being wayward and headstrong.
- Take care of the in-laws who
brought up his wife, or at least allow the wife to do so if she has the
capacity.
- Be a good role model for the kids
through good character, work habits, relationship with wife.
- Strive to keep wife and kids
happy. Spend quality time with them, teaching them to fix plugs, gadgets, going
for holidays, fishing, taking walks in the hood, watching movies t
home/cinemas.
- Invest for the family. Having
trust funds, school accounts, rainy day accounts, houses, etc.
- Go to church, love God, pray. It
usually helps somehow.
- Help around the house even if you
become rich – mowing lawns, unblocking drains etc.
- Instill and maintain healthy
habits and fit body.
- Cut the repressive traditional
crap such as kugezeswa maoko(having the
wife kneeling before him with a dish of water so he can wash his hands before
meals), leaving clothes on the floor etc kungoti ndezvemukadzi come what
may.
ZA: I would advise him to choose wisely, not to look at the outward
beauty only but to take time to know her and see if she is also beautiful on
the inside. I will tell him that he should take good care of his woman so that he won’t be
ashamed of her kwete kuzochiva vari kuchengetwa nevamwe (not covet women that other men look after). When he’s looking, I’d
advise him to pray for a God-fearing wife…and never to expect miracles from a
wife he would have met at clubs and pubs. I’d tell him that it’s not always
about finding Mrs Right but the question is if he is the right guy. And he
should get to know the girl’s family first because in our tradition, you don’t
marry one person but the whole clan. And look at how well the mother has aged
so that he can picture her 40 years down the line ha-ha *tongue out*. Not
forgetting one important aspect, he should find someone with at least a basic
level of education; even form 4 to begin with. An illiterate wife can be too
costly and a constant source of embarrassment, which will tempt him into extra
marital affairs with educated ones. And no matter the circumstances, he should
never raise his hand to a woman, NEVER! We should be good examples as parents because
no matter how much we talk, if we do the opposite they are bound to copy that, especially
the fathers. They should be positive role models to their boys. And moms, be an
example of an ideal wife of course because when boys search for a wife, they
look for a woman who resembles their mothers as much as possible in most cases.
CHIDO: My son, here is what I’ve learnt about marriage. Marriage is about friendship. Your spouse is your go-to person. You do not go behind her back or go over her, you go with her. Marriage is about trust and every day you are building that trust. One day you will need to withdraw from this trust bank, so deposit as much trust as you can in your spouse. Lastly marriage is about forgiveness. Marriage is made up of two great forgivers.
CHIEDZA: I would advise my son to not let anyone come between him
and his wife and to treat his wife as his best friend – no secrets. Be very
open about anything no matter how bad it is. He has to share his happiness and
sadness with his wife and she should come first. Children are an added blessing
to the marriage, but wife comes first because he came to know wife first before
the kids. Plan everything together with
her and not make decisions alone. He has to consult her in everything.
TSITSI: Marriage is a lifetime commitment thus you need to settle
with someone you really love. Take time to know your partner so that you will
not discover some traits you don’t like when married. If there are things you
don’t like, it’s best solved before marriage. Be faithful and honest.
Everything should be transparent. Most marriages are failing because people are
not faithful and honest. If there are any traits you don’t like in your partner
be open and say it. Never pretend because eventually this might affect your
marriage. Always respect your partner. Marriage is a mixed bag of everything
thus you need someone who you will respect and love even in difficult
situations.
GREATMAN: I would advise him to perceive marriage as a lifetime
commitment that requires special attention from both parties, an arrangement
where one gets what they give. Really would love him to perceive marriage as a
process not an event. To get the best out of your partner, view them as a partner
and friend instead of object to be bossed around. Most importantly, I would
advise him to learn to be humble and apologise in case of a mistake and never
tell a lie.
NGONI: I would tell him that I raised him to be able to treat
people well, particularly women. Since marriage is meant for life he must take
his time to choose a life partner and not bow to social pressure. There will be
challenges in marriage and he must face them head on. He should not involve
people in his affairs unless necessary. Treat his partner as the other half
meant to complete him. Involve her in decision making but must also be firm as
the head of the house (not be put under petticoat government). He should
remember to make a balance between the two families in terms of social and
financial support. Above all, treat your wife as you would want your daughter
or sister to be treated by a man.
ERNEST: I will advise him on being content with his wife and always
pray to God to protect their marriage, to love, forgive, be happy and have lots
of sex. I will give him Psalm 91. It’s the verse we were given by our late
friend who was a priest.
VITALIS: I suggest your article could be in two parts, courtship
and staying together in marriage (!!!Vitalis was my O' Level English teacher y'all hehe). During courtship
- Pray hard. It
needs holy guidance.
- Befriend first
to see habits.
- Go check how
they live.
- Should be a
Christian.
Plus, my son, look for someone who’s
loving, who is beautiful in your eyes. Find a people’s person who will love
your relatives or else you will be isolated in the family. She should be well-behaved.
She needs to be smart and a good cook. If it’s about marriage, you need to have
cardinal principles to guide you: transparency, honesty, accountability etc.
the truth is most good men are led astray by women and vice versa.
CEBI: My take would be to find out if he knows what marriage is.
Knowing that marriage is a commitment not a feeling will make the union a happy
one. Feelings change, so marriage should not be built on them. When you
disagree on something you may feel unhappy but that doesn’t mean you’re not
committed to each other. Beyond being a commitment, marriage is a covenant
between two people. Proverbs 3:19-20… it takes wisdom, knowledge and
understanding to build a marriage.
REJOICE: I would advise him to pray for his marriage, respect his
wife, not to keep secrets, not to cheat, love his wife’s relatives. Stand by
his wife always. He should communicate and to have fun.
PAIDA: Know her HIV status. Investigate sexual history; know her
relatives, religious background. Level of education should not be the
foundation of your marriage. Your choice should not be influenced by what you
see on social media.
SEKURU MILTON: Ngaatsvage musikana ane chimiro chaanofarira kuti
asazobhoekane naye mangwana. Azive kuti anogona kumuwana ari or asiri mhandara
(kana amuda asiri mhandara ngaabve agutsikana naye asazozvidya mwoyo nazvo till amen). Mukadzi haasi wekudzvanyirira
pazvose. Asamhanyire bonde naye vasati vaitwa HIV test. Changamukawo kutsvaga
nzira dzekufadza mukadzi wako pabonde. Ukapusa unotorerwa netwakachangamuka. Musikana
ngaavewo mudiki ne4 years or more please. (He
should find a girl with a physique that pleases him to avoid future frustration.
He should know that she will probably not be a virgin, and if he loves her
regardless of that fact, he should forever hold his peace till amen. Women are
not to be oppressed all the time. He shouldn’t rush into sex before getting
tested for HIV. Be sure to satisfy your wife in bed because someone might snap
her away from you. The girl should be younger than him by 4 years or more.)
ANGELINE: I’d advise my son
to be an honest, loving and faithful man. To appreciate and treasure his wife,
to be her best friend and stand by her no matter what, to respect and protect
her and their kids whole-heartedly.
FARAI: when he’s old enough, I’ll tell him that marriage will be
one relationship where he doesn’t have to win every fight, compromise is the
name of the game.
NYARADZO: I will tell my son to love his wife but still
asambunyikidzwe nemukadzi (he should not
be oppressed by the wife) because at times madzimai tinotonga (women are control freaks). All I
want is to see my son happy saka ndikaona asina mufaro or kana kandiudza kuti
ari kutongwa ndinotopindira munyaya dzavo chete (if I see him miserable or if he tells me he’s being oppressed, I’ll
definitely be involved in their affairs).
ERICA: conflicts are inevitable in every marriage. You will be
married to a person, and every person is unique. In marriage learn to resolve
conflicts and to work in harmony not fight over petty things. Marriage is a
team of two, from a Christian perspective, to process life together for the
Glory of God. Respect your spouse’s ideas even when you disagree with them.
OTTILIA: Follow your heart, your instinct. Marriage is successful
if you are equal partners giving as much as you receive, and willingness to
compromise. There is no head or tail in that sense. Knowing that the head would
be useless on its own allows you to appreciate the importance of the tail (this
is in a metaphorical sense.)
MHONDA: the wedding ring is the smallest but toughest handcuff ever
made. Think twice before you decide to lock yourself in. Don’t get into
marriage so that you can fall in love.
KUDA: I guess I would tell him to follow his heart and seek a
friend, companion first before all glitz and glamour. The lady should be your
best friend.
CLARA: Go for HIV testing and stick to the one you have chosen.
DORCAS: to put it simply – be a good husband and find someone who
values him and values family.
MYSELF: Your marriage is not
likely to survive or at least be happy if you’re not friends. Friends might
butt heads a few times, but they look out for each other, they like spending
time together, they don’t do things that they know would hurt the other. Be the reason why your wife would want to go
around telling people that marriage is a blessing. Don’t be the reason why she
goes on her knees every day with tears in her eyes and says to God, “You say
you neither sleep nor slumber, where were you when I married this person?” Your
presence in her life should add value, not take away anything from it. Marriage
is about companionship and loyalty. It’s not about the woman worshiping the
ground that the man walks on while he doesn’t make an effort to make her happy –
to every king there must be a queen. It’s not about flowers that wither,
clothes, or a car that she could very well buy for herself. Yes the material
things count too, to augment the love you have for her, but they should never
replace it. They’re not the most important; otherwise you’ll just be the cash
cow while she continues to look around for other things that she’s not getting
in the marriage. Do as you would be done by – if you don’t like to be cheated
on, don’t cheat, if you like to be respected, show some respect, if you want
transparency, be transparent, if you like being shady in the relationship,
accept it when she does it too. You’re
getting married because you chose this woman. Don’t allow anyone, not me, not
your father, or your sisters to influence how you relate to her. If she’s
nasty, you’ll see it. Don’t let someone else be your eyes. A family that prays
together stays together. It’s a tried and tested concept.
