Why most married women are reluctant to report rape

Pic by Mishy Mudekunye

As I was writing an opinion piece on rape (Read it here), I was curious to find out women’s preparedness to disclose rape to their partners, particularly if they were married. It was disturbing to note that not many are keen to report rape either to their husbands or to the police. It scares me to think how many rapists are walking scot-free because of this reluctance to report. I kind of understand where these women are coming from, even though I wish to change that mindset. I also spoke to three gents, who I must say, were incredibly sweet in their approach, but things are easier said than done. When you’re not in a situation, you think and react differently than when you are in it.

All rape should be reported, regardless of the aftermaths. Rapists belong in jail, not on our streets. If a woman doesn’t report rape, she exposes another to the same violation. Let’s speak out ladies (and gents! Increasingly men are getting raped too and choose silence for their own sets of reasons).

This is the question I asked them: If you got raped, would you tell your husband and report to the police?

Za – Yes and no…it all depends on how the rape occurred. Normally I don’t think I’d have a problem with reporting to the police, whichever way it happened, but with a spouse it can be tricky because I will risk being made the author of my ordeal. For example, I might be raped by a boss whom I was close to, maybe to my husband’s disapproval. In that case it’s difficult to tell him. As a person who deals with offenders on a daily basis, with some being perpetrators of sexual offences, I have come to understand that rape occurs under different circumstances. The easiest to report is when a minor is sexually abused by an older person. Then there are instances where one is raped by robbers or waylaid by strangers; that is also easy to report. But when it’s done by someone you know and trust, it’s difficult to report especially if married, because you risk being accused of lying and having had an affair. Husbands feel stripped when the whole community gets to know of the rape, and this in turn leads to the collapse of the marriage. In a case where one has an understanding and supportive husband, when the issue comes out, the man’s relatives tend to persecute the woman, you’ll be regarded as a prostitute when you are just an innocent victim.

Ngoni – Hmmm tricky stuff. As informed as I am, I think I would tell because I would need to seek treatment for prevention of HIV. If I didn’t inform him and he saw me taking the tablets, how would I explain it? I know it’s easier said than done because men are highly unpredictable. As for police, isn’t it automatic that they get involved before you get treatment?  If it isn’t the case, I don’t think I would report. It’s so humiliating and I’ve attended rape court cases. Hmmm you need to be a strong character to be in that dock? I felt sorry for the victims as they were torn apart in the presence of their husbands. Haaa even if he loves you, he won’t get an erection at home after witnessing that. I know a couple who were robbed here in South Africa and the woman was raped in the presence of the husband. Initially he was supportive, though he never touched her again and eventually they separated. So it’s like it was the woman’s fault.

Susan – I think telling him depends on what type of person he is, so to me it would be about knowing his character first. I know men that would blame and accuse the woman for going out to seek the rape. Instead of comforting and seeking the best possible way to assist her go through it, they’ll probably hit and rape you too as punishment. I think if it is someone with whom you have always had a good relationship, it might be possible, but I think I would keep it inside.

Leslie – Yes I would, without thinking twice. First port of call will be a hospital for ARVs. If you hide it, then it comes out like you consented. The risk of issues is higher if you hide it. I know a lot of people would prefer not to say anything, but what if the same rapist comes back for you or goes after your daughter or relative? How would you feel then?

Sandra – many people don’t want to tell their hubby because they want to avoid future problems like divorce. Also, they might not report because they are afraid of the shame that rape brings to a woman. Not reporting might result in the woman suffering from depression. As for me, I would rather tell my husband and report to the police. It’s good for the husband to know, just in case you contracted HIV or any other STI, and can protect him.

Dulile – It leaves a lot of unanswered questions. No man wants to sleep with a woman who has been raped. The thought of knowing that someone was eating your cake is a complete turn-off, especially for men. Their tool is very sensitive.

Namatayi – I’d definitely inform the police.  I would not tell husband unless there was risk, i.e. if tests revealed an STI or worse. Men are unpredictable. He may torture me with that in the near future as if it was my fault to have been raped.

Rejoice – I would tell my husband, just in case I’d have contracted a disease, but not the police because they are not reliable. I’d, however, ask the husband to keep it to himself. But if the husband is not the caring type, I will not tell him.

Bubu – Eish, tough one. He needs to know but you would have to kiss him goodbye.

Kholiwe – Rape is very traumatic incident, so I believe I would tell him to help me deal with it.

Faith – Yes, I would tell hubby and report the case, but it depends on how caring your hubby is. If he’s good, he’ll help you pull yourself together during that time and make sure the rapist is behind bars. But if he’s uncaring, you would be in trouble. You’d probably just need to stay quiet and not report to the police.

Chinga – I would tell him and report to the police as well. If I don’t tell him, it would appear as if I’m hiding something, that I did something and then decided to call it rape.

Fortunate – It depends with the situation – how did you get raped, but for health purposes, you will tell hubby and report to the police for you to get prophylaxis drug.

Nyaradzo – yes I would tell my husband and make sure that the culprit goes behind. If you don’t report, the stress will kill you.

Sihle – Yes I would because that issue will eat you alive if you don’t talk about it.

For the men: How would you react if your wife told you she had been raped?

Ernest – I would want to know and would go for counseling on how to handle the situation so that my love for her would not change. A cheating wife, if raped, would not report.

Tavonga – I would shoot the mother@$% that did it! It’s hard. The thing she would need from me more than anything is support and understanding because she will not be the same person emotionally and mentally. I would not reject her because a person doesn’t choose to be raped.

Greatman – that’s a tough one, but I honestly wouldn’t want my wife to suffer the effects of such a tragic incident alone. If it is genuine rape, I really would love to support her. A man knows when his wife is lying or not. Besides, intimate details around the rape will give a clue as to what really happened. The culture you cultivate with your partner will, however, determine if she will be free to tell you or not. I believe it’s easier to deal with the pain associated with the truth than the pain associated with lies and secrets.

Reporting rape will reduce more cases

While sentencing a rapist recently, Chief Justice Bheki Maphalala lamented how the courts were overflowing with rape cases. A report released in July indicated that there were 124 cases of rape between the months of April and June, an increase of 11,7 percent in comparison to the same period last year. It is disturbing to live in a violent society where you have to look over your shoulder all the time. What should disturb us even more is the reality of many rape cases going unreported, which might be exacerbating the situation as the criminals continue to roam freely, preying on more women.

People don’t report rape for reasons varying from fear of being shunned by the family if the assailant is a member of that family, promises of recompense, lack of faith in the justice system, fear of being judged by society, and where married women are concerned, fear of being rejected by husbands.  The society we live in is not always sympathetic to rape victims, unless if it happened during a home invasion or the woman got waylaid. If the aggressor is known to the woman, she is usually made to feel like the architect of her ordeal – “What was she doing there in the first place? What was she wearing? She must have seduced him. They must have been in a relationship.” It suddenly stops being about the dastardly crime that has been committed but justification of why it was done and how the woman could have avoided it if she didn’t want it. The rapist becomes the victim: poor man, what could he have done with the woman delivering herself to him on a silver platter like that? Men who rape don’t do so because they were provoked in some way. They do so because they are criminals, and criminals belong in jail. Rape can happen to anyone. Even men are not immune to it. If it was your mother or daughter that got raped, would you try to justify why it could have happened to them and exonerate the attacker?

It made sad reading when the woman that was allegedly raped at the Manzini Wanderers Clubhouse, and initially chose not to press charges against her alleged assailants, was flogged via social media. One person said she brought the rape on herself by dancing seductively. Dancing in a certain way or drinking at a certain hour is not an invitation to violation. Others questioned why she was drinking at night with men. A reader even misdirected his sympathy by saying, “Poor husband!” I refuse to believe the cliché that men are dogs which can’t control themselves. Rape is not really about irrepressible urges. It’s an expression of power by cowards who target those that they presume are vulnerable to them.

Senelisiwe Zwane, a social worker who deals with offenders, said in about eight out of 10 cases, rapists never own up to their offence. The few who do admit twist the facts in ridiculous ways to make themselves look less guilty. She gave the example of an 80 year-old convicted of rape who blatantly claimed that he was asleep under a guava tree which his granddaughter climbed with no panties and unfortunately fell and landed on his manhood. Zwane said most of those who admitted claimed to be in relationships with the victims.

In a random survey, out of 12 married women, only five said they would definitely tell their husbands and report to the police in the event of rape. (Read their exact responses here.) The others were wary of telling “uncaring” husbands for fear of the blame being laid squarely at their feet, preferring to just report to the police. There were many “hmm, aaahs, we’ll have to see”. There are horrific tales of men whose wives got raped and the men became so repulsed that they did not want to touch their wives again, resulting in the collapse of marriages. One woman, Rejoice, said she would tell her husband but would not bother to tell the police because she had no faith in them. It’s hard to blame her, considering what happened to Cebsile Khumalo of Nhlangano (Swazi News September 19). She bravely fought off an aspiring rapist and reported him to the police, but the case never saw the light of day after the police reportedly concluded that there was no witness hence struck the matter off the court roll. Rapists don’t usually rape people at a crowded market place. Usually the victim is the only witness and should get her day in court, which makes the way this case was handled quite perplexing. If allegations that the attacker had raped before are true, then it is a much bigger problem.

Regardless of cases like Khumalo’s falling through the cracks, there is reason to have faith in our justice system. Rapists are getting convicted almost on a daily basis, although more continue to commit the same crime. It’s now time to roll in the big guns on this scourge, no more treating it as a hush-hush affair. What probably needs to be done is to sensitize the public a lot more about rape: that it is a revolting and violent crime that everyone should fight against, all cases must be reported, and victims need support and sympathy, not verbal abuse on top of the psychological torment they already have. There needs to be even more discussion with younger children too, and listen carefully to what they say. Gone are the days of “children should be seen and not heard”. We should tell them over and over to report anyone who touches them in any sexual way or abuses them, even if they are threatened.

McolisiColani Vilakati was jailed 30 years in July for raping two children under the age of 10 (Times of Swaziland July 28). The children told their grandmother, but she sat on that intelligence and thought they meant he proposed love to them. What a letdown! It is important to report rape timeously in order to get access to a prophylactic within the stipulated time to avoid sexually transmitted infections, and emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy. There might also be need to collect evidence before it gets tainted and for the rapist to be caught before he gets time to spin his web of lies. Reporting rape is not easy because of the delicate details involved, but in the interest of justice, it has to be done. One has to consider the repercussions of not reporting. You will always know that the maniac is out there, ready to pounce on his next victim or even come back for you. Maybe you will even see him every day if he’s known to you, gloating and walking scot-free with an extra spring in his step while you’re crumbling inside. Not getting reported makes the attacker more brazen and the attacks may escalate to serial status or even murder. You don’t want it to get to that; it has to be nipped in the bud.  

It's not always easy to be a practicing Christian

On Monday I learned once more how difficult it is to practice Christianity to a tee. There is a Tuberculosis Hospital near my son’s school. On my way from picking him, I saw a woman coming from the hospital who appeared to be drunk as she was not very stable on her feet. At close inspection, it was clear that she was quite ill and needed a lift.  I was at a busy junction, monitoring traffic from my left and right so that I could get onto the highway, and had a long queue of cars behind me. I got so overwhelmed and drove off. Apart from the fact that I was keeping my eyes on the road, a lot of thoughts were whizzing in my head. I feared that she could have been so ill that she could have got into the car and died, and then I would have had a really messy situation on my hands. I would probably still be at the police station getting my fingerprints taken and “assisting with investigations”. Maybe the woman’s family would have been there too, baying for my blood and claiming that she hadn’t been that sick when she left home and demanding that I shame the devil and tell the truth about what really happened. Weird things can happen when someone dies.

The bible, however, doesn’t teach us to justify our transgressions. It encourages us to help whenever it’s within our capacity to help. I even have the verses on giving at the tips of my fingers:

Proverbs 3:27 – Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do it. 

Proverbs 28:27 – He that gives to the poor shall not lack: but he that hides his eyes shall have many a curse. 

Luke 3:11 – He answered and said to them, He that has two coats, let him impart to him that has none; and he that has meat, let him do likewise.

But that’s just what this accursed world has come to; reading the bible from cover to cover without putting what it says into practice.

When I got home, I wished I had stopped and picked her even if the ensuing delay would have annoyed other drivers. On the other hand, that would probably not have been wise. I don’t really know much about TB, which I know, at certain stages, can be highly contagious. Maybe there are precautions I needed to take before having her in the car. But what made me feel so bad was that she was someone’s mom and she was vulnerable. I would have wanted my mom to be helped if she ever found herself in such a position. Then I also thought, if I can feel bad about this, it probably means I don’t really have an evil little heart. If I were cruel, I would have had no contrition whatsoever. Deep down, though, I know that a good heart is useless if it is not put to good use. Matthew 5:16 says, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” The goodness of my heart shouldn’t reflect from what I say but from what I do. I should have just called the police. The Royal Swazi Police have their moments of amazing grace. I’ve heard of drunkards that call the police to take them home when they can’t drive anymore, and they’re chauffeured home!

As I was busy beating myself up, I thought of a story I heard at church a long time ago. A woman was told that Jesus was going to visit her. She cleaned the house and yard from top to bottom.  A dirty old man walked into her yard asking for food. She chased him away and hit him with a broomstick. She waited and waited, but Jesus did not show up. The angel that had notified her of the visit came back, and before he could say anything, the woman complained that Jesus had stood her up. The angel told her that the old man she had shooed away had been Jesus. The moral of the story was that if you claim to be a Christian, treat everyone as you would Jesus. And I failed dismallyL.

Spaghetti alla Carbonara with Chef Abraham

Chef Abraham Nhlabatsi welcomed us into his kitchen in the ambient environment of The Terrace Grill, where he made the decadent Spaghetti alla Carbonara. He chose egg noodles over spaghetti. The preparation method for either choice is the same. There is not much difference between the two, but as the name implies, egg noodles contain a higher proportion of eggs to wheat than regular pasta.  Pasta offers slightly more fibre and protein per serving compared to egg noodles. A healthier option would be to cook wholegrain pasta.

Ingredients:

Egg noodles

15 ml olive oil

1 teaspoon crushed garlic

2 rashers bacon

4 button mushrooms

2 slices of ham

Pinch of salt

Pinch of sugar

Aromat

Thickening agent

Half cup cream

5 ml parmesan cheese

The garnish should have a contrasting colour with th e food being served

Method

·         Cook the spaghetti and set aside.

·         Fry the garlic in hot oil.

·         Add bacon to the saucepan.

·         Add the button mushrooms.

·         When the mushrooms are soft, add the ham slices.

·         Season with aromat and salt.

·         Add the flour, or thickening agent of your choice.

·         Add the cream.

         Add a pinch of sugar to balance the seasoning.

·         Sprinkle parmesan cheese to the mixture and stir.  

About the chef

Chef Abraham Nhlabatsi, from Mbabane, has been cooking for a quarter of a century, the last four of which he has been with The Terrace Grill. He received his training at SCOT. Regarding how he chose cooking over other careers, Abraham sighed and said it was a long story. The short of it, however, is that he grew up in a family of boys and used to cook for the family from a tender age.  When he got to Form 4, he made his decision to be a chef after falling in love with the art. “Back then, choosing a cooking career as a man was regarded as a shame, but after cooking for a number of special people over the years, I’m convinced it’s a career that men should support,” said Abraham. He regards cooking at King Mswati 111’s birthday in 1996 as one of the major highlights of his career. 

The pain of childlessness

In most African cultures, for a marriage to subsist, children have to be produced. No sooner has a young couple said I do, than immense pressure begins to mount for them to start procreating. This pressure usually comes from the family the woman married into, but can also stem from the woman’s desire to have children. While some women have no qualms strangling their newborns and flushing them down toilets, millions have sleepless nights yearning for the joy that a baby brings. Susan** finds herself in this desperate situation 12 years into her marriage. Some of the things she shared were very heartbreaking. People are too quick to pass judgement on matters they don’t know about. In her own words, here is the story of her more-than-a-decade long journey trying to conceive: 

“Two and a half years into our marriage and trying hard to conceive, doctors discovered we could never ever have children. According to medical tests, I could fall pregnant, but an urologist dropped the bomb when he declared my husband sterile. There was no sperm whatsoever in his semen and we were told that it would take a miracle for us to have children in our marriage naturally or medically. Regardless of what the urologist said, we have been trying for 12 years, visiting gynaecologists, urologists and homeopathic doctors.

Fortunately, the family has not been a problem. My husband lost his mother long before we got married. Mothers-in-law are known for not being understanding when it comes to these issues. However, his father was very understanding and never had a problem at all. My family has always been supportive and encourages us to continue loving each other and live life. They also encourage us to seek more medical assistance in order to have children one day. They do not even want to hear about divorce or separation over this. 

There are many problems associated with childlessness, such as how you are treated in society and insensitive remarks being thrown at you. When you are childless, the family thinks you have lots of money stashed somewhere in the house or bank. They even say, "What do you use your money for when you do not have children?"  It seems to them those who have children are the only ones with expenses and plans while the childless don't.

Here and there you meet people who think it's your fault as a woman that you do not have children. At some point a lady asked if I had aborted many pregnancies before. According to her, those who abort are always punished by barrenness later in life! She thought she was being sincere, but it broke my heart! Some Christians ask if I pray fervently. According to them no one must suffer such misfortune if they REALLY pray. To them it means the longer we stayed childless, the more it showed we did not pray enough. That is one of the challenges we face when we come face to face with Christians. People say a lot of ignorant stuff. I just answer them, as politely as possible, that the situation is not what they think it is without even going into detail. To my fellow Christians I say, “Let the will of God happen”. You can't really change a made up mind of a person. If a person chooses to judge a situation just five minutes into a conversation, sometimes it's a waste of time to explain the situation. The best is to give a short answer and change the subject very fast. People have a problem of wanting to throw their beliefs and experiences into other people's problems without taking time to understand what is really going on, which in most cases does not help but creates a divide! 

There is an element of being looked down upon when one has no children. You are judged for not having child-rearing experience, so your opinion or feelings on matters relating to children is totally disregarded. Those who have been blessed enough with this gift think it's not your area so stay out!

My relationship with my husband, for the most part, has been wonderful but sometimes we have verbally fought about our situation. Since my husband is the one who is sterile, I have felt he sometimes does not understand my pain of not being a mother. Though I understand he feels the same way also about not being a father, he has made peace with his condition, and I haven’t, and that causes and increases my frustration. Because of the hidden pain and frustration of failing to have our own children, we have resorted to not talking about the situation. We rather carry on as if nothing is happening in order to cope. So we hardly talk about our situation, we have chosen to put a plaster bandage to cover a boil hoping all will be ok. We have suffered moments of resentment towards each other too. We have our fair share of highs and lows because of this problem. I do love my husband so much but there are moments I resent him much. I silently blame him for this entire problem. I wish he could do more to make the pain I feel sometimes go away! I know he feels the pain too but somehow I concentrate on my own pain!

Some cultures encourage secretly conceiving with the husband’s brother. Given that option, I would not agree at all. It would give me a child, yes, but no peace, so I would rather choose peace over a selfish desire. I don't think the brother solution will make things easier at all. It may hurt a lot of people down the road.

Social media makes the situation difficult. We have friends and family giving birth left, right and centre. And rightly so, share their happy moments with us. We are happy for them but it also makes us relive our pain and longing.  It's tough but we pull through. What hurts most more than a new baby picture is that photo showing the joy on my friends’ and family's faces as they take their children to their first day at school. Why? Because you start thinking that if you had conceived around that time (in our 20s) when most of your friends did, you could be enjoying the moment with them too. It's like watching life slip away and have no control whatsoever of what is going on. It feels like you have really lost out in life, a great loss. That hurts! 

Unfortunately we haven't sought counselling because my husband does not believe in bringing outside help into our marriage. Pushing for it makes him shut down so I do not bring family or any professional help. I tried suggesting counselling in order to cope but my husband has some African men traits – they do not believe in counseling, so one tends to suffer in silence.

Currently we are at a deadlock when it comes to artificial insemination and adoption. He does not believe in it and feels taking care of another person’s child is not proper or easy. Even if I desperately want a baby, I have no choice but to continue to live childless for the rest of my life. My husband has told me many times that he no longer wants to try for a baby. He says he does not see a future with children and we must close the chapter and live life but that's too painful to me, I haven't quite actually accepted this whole unfortunate situation. There is also pressure from our tradition; a woman cannot leave her husband because he’s sterile. Women are not even given as much understanding as given to men who marry infertile women and are encouraged to plant their seeds somewhere and not die without children. That can never happen when it comes to women. So most times we "accept" the situation, bury ourselves in prayer or religion in order to cope – well, that is if you do not have the courage like some women to let someone out there be secretly the father of your children. But if discovered, it then becomes a scandal. 

I suffer from depression because of this. I have never been diagnosed but there are those moments when I do not want to do anything, I'm down, sad, not motivated to do anything. I have moments that I close my door and cry till I'm tired. I have moments when I have lost hope and faith. I just slip into a sad depression. It takes everything I have to come out of it. Most times I can't share it with my husband nor show him that I'm going through a tough time. I deal with these moments on my own. I found out that my husband is incapable of compassion, not because that is what he prefers, but it's just not in his nature. He thinks just saying "rest" or "it's the blues, it will get better soon" will make everything alright. 

This situation is not easy at all. It takes everything from you. Sometimes when I really go through my sad moments, I think of having a child with someone else out there, hoping it will finally make me a mother. But having a child with someone out there means cheating on my husband, which is bad on its own.  It also means I have to invest in another relationship apart from this one, maintain them so that they do not cross each other's paths, and that will give me so much work, work I'm not ready to go through at the moment. But truly speaking, that idea comes to my mind sometimes. The fear of being judged as a loose woman, should I choose that route, also comes to mind. Some of these ideas come out of pain but I have managed to stay grounded despite all the craziness.

I'm glad I'm sharing my story in its rawness. I keep on praying for a miracle, if it’s not to be, I pray for peace. Thinking a lot and stressing a lot leads to trouble, so peace within the storm is what I pray for most. When people abort, all I feel is sadness. Coming from a Christian background, of course I look at it as really evil. I wish they could not take that path but at the end of the day it's their choice. But I feel hurt and ask God why he gives to those who do not even want the blessing while I fail to get it.

When one goes through an adversity, a lot of things happen. You do not know how to cope, there is no manual on how to live the situation, all you have is everyday reality that is supposed to be lived and experienced. Sometimes you can't cope and start thinking of ways (good or bad) to numb the pain. Ninety percent of the time I do not tell people that my husband is the one who has the problem. I feel if I tell the whole world the truth, I will emasculate him. I mostly just say nothing or lean towards myself as the one who has the problem.

*Name changed