My ordeal at the hands of low Swazi officers of the law

Freshlyground at the MTN Bushfire, Swaziland

My husband very nearly got me arrested on Saturday night. At midnight, after a day of good and bad music and a bit of dancing at the MTN Bushfire music festival, I took the wheel as he had been drinking since afternoon. I hate driving at night, and it was my first time driving that late. I was feeling very tense as cases of abduction, murder and robbery have been escalating. Driving a South African registered car puts you at a higher risk as robbers assume people coming from South Africa have a lot of money, particularly at the end of the month. When I realised many other people were also leaving after the Freshly Ground set, it gave me a sense of comfort, security in numbers.

I’m one person who sticks to the speed limits, regardless of how clear the road might look. Swazi roads are notorious for having domestic animals that mushroom from nowhere and many people have died on the roads as a result of this. That’s why I prefer to be on the side of caution. He seemed annoyed that we were the ones being overtaken by speed demons all the time, never doing our own overtaking.

Driving with my husband in the car is a nightmarish, hellish experience. It feels like cooking with a cruel mother-in-law in the kitchen, watching you like a hawk, asking you if that’s not too much salt you’re putting in the pot, peering in the pots and asking, “Won’t we die of hypertension or heart attack or both with that much cooking oil?” As she distracts you like that, you have a nagging feeling she’s secretly praying that you burn the meat so that she can have one more thing against you. That’s exactly how I feel driving my husband.

“Don’t do that! Do this! Stop! You will damage the rim at the rate you’re going.”

I tried to thaw the tension by talking about the duet between Oliver Mtukudzi and Ringo Madlingozi. Big mistake. I should have just kept my thoughts to myself. As I was doing so, I followed a car off a ramp I wasn’t supposed to take. I only realised it when my husband, in an annoyed tone said, “Where are you going?”  What made me follow that car? I don’t know. I had used that road on countless occasions and knew I wasn’t supposed to turn anywhere, but I did. I have a few suspicions why that could have happened.

1. Even though I felt alert, I must have been really exhausted.
2. The fear of being robbed I spoke about above must have been alive and well, and I absently continued following the car ahead of me for the security it provided.
3. The Bushfire event attracted a bunch of the arty farty types who smoked like chimneys. There was a great deal of weed in the air and I did a lot of passive smoking. It’s possible that I could have been high as a kite.
4. The atmosphere in the car was cold and that made me extremely nervous and distracted.

Back to the real story. When I was notified that I had made a wrong turn, I felt stupid but was all for proceeding as I was sure I’d find another way to get home, which wasn’t too far away then. My husband told me to reverse, which I did without question as the environment wasn’t conducive for a debate. I reversed, and no sooner was I back on the freeway did I see the evil blue lights on my tail. The police signaled me to stop, and as I was about to do so, my husband was giving another command, “Don’t stop, keep driving!” What, and risk being shot at? Many people travel from neighbouring South Africa into the kingdom to buy weed, and police sometimes open fire on people who refuse to stop. So I stopped, against my husband’s well-intended advice. A uniformed man came to my window and said, “Licence please,” upon which my husband hissed, “Don’t give him your license!” How do I refuse when I have clearly flouted road regulations? I gave the officer the license, and he asked me to step out of the car. My husband again said, “Don’t go out, just open the window!” I got out and he did too. “Come here!” said the officer, and we joined him and his colleague at their vehicle. He asked why I had reversed into the freeway, and I said I had taken a wrong turn and was sorry. He said that was a danger zone and we could easily have died. I said I was keeping an eye on the rear and ensured there was no car coming before me. By then everyone, the two officers and my husband were speaking at the same time. My husband was saying, “She panicked after taking the wrong turn”. But I didn’t panic. I just followed bad advice.

“We’re detaining you tonight and will take you to see the magistrate tomorrow. What you did was very dangerous!” said the other officer. My husband and I apologised profusely and then an indication of what was expected of us came.

OFFICER: What can we do to solve this problem here and now, so that you won’t have to be        detained?”
Anybody could have told he was asking for a bribe. And what was I supposed to say to that?  I had no idea as I had never had a police officer ask me for a bribe before. 
ME: What are you suggesting that I do?
OFFICER: I don't know. What do you suggest?
ME: You could give a ticket and fine me.
OFFICER: Fining is for the magistrate, my sister. You will see him tomorrow.
HUSBAND: Officers, she's breastfeeding and the baby can't sleep without her.
OFFICER: She'll stay in the holding cells while you go home to fetch the baby so she can sleep with the mother. 

They appeared to be getting really agitated now because their radio was going, and they said there was an accident they needed to rush off too, so we needed to be straight with them. Whenever I tried to put a word in, my husband would say, “Be quiet! Let me do the talking.” One of the officers said, “We are trying to be very lenient with you, but you’re not hearing us.” I had heard them loud and clear, but I didn’t know how exactly to handle what I had heard. When we couldn’t come up with a satisfactory plan, they said we should follow them to the police station so that I could be booked in, and they sped off – with my license. So we had no choice but to follow. As we followed, my husband was on my case again. “You should have kept quiet when I was talking to the officers! I told you to be quiet but you were not listening to me,” he said. I asked how I could just keep quiet when I was the one at the risk of getting charged with an offence and have a drunk person speak for me. “I’m not drunk!” he lashed. Right, which drunkard ever admitted to being drunk? He said, “You should keep quiet. I’m trying to teach you how to survive around cops because I have more driving experience than you!” Somebody please shoot me now.

Now wonder why they call alcohol the “wise waters”. Here was a man with the wisdom to get me into trouble and get me out of it too! Wow!

We found the cops parked along the way to their station. They gave us the licence and said they had to rush to an accident where people were injured.  “Drive carefully,” one of them said, and off they drove into the night.

By then it was almost 1 am, May 31. The episode left me rattled and put me off attending the day’s show featuring bands that I love so much, The Parlotones and The Soil.  Would I have paid the bribe if they had been upfront with me? No, because I didn’t even have 2 cents to rub together. We had finished all the money we had on food and the booze that made my husband drunk. If I had the money on me, would I have paid them if they had been straight with me? Most likely I would have. Rogue policeman have the power to make your life pretty miserable. I know many people who got into trouble for absolutely no reason at all. One was stopped at a road block in Johannesburg and they flagrantly asked him for money if he wanted to go free. He protested that he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Oh really?” they said before producing a stash of drugs from their car. “We’ll say we found these on you,” they said. He had to drive to the ATM with one of them to withdraw some money to pay for his non-existent sins. Here is a story I wrote about a taxi driver who is now doing time after he retaliated at cops who he said stole his money by shooting at them, with fatal results.  If I had money, and the cops had continued being vague about the bribery, would I have offered? Certainly not! I don’t advise anyone to either. What if they are pursuing promotion at their charge office and are looking to present themselves as being against corruption. Flouting road regulations remains a lesser offence than corruption, thank you very much.

Avoid secondary drunk driving

I, however, took a few lessons from this sordid experience:

• Don’t ever take driving instructions from a drunk person, even if he’s the one who paid for the car you’re driving. There’s a valid reason why people shouldn’t drive when drunk. It impairs judgment. Can’t drive, can’t give advice, period. Taking counsel on safe driving from a drunk person amounts to secondary drunk driving.
• Stand your ground if you believe you’re doing the right thing. Don’t ever be pressured into doing wrong, it’s your life that could end up in jeopardy.
• Don’t be absent minded on the road. Many have lost their lives due to absent-minded drivers.
• If you have a nagging husband, take measures to protect yourself from the nagging. Stuff your panties in his mouth and seal it with duct tape, drug him so he sleeps through the whole journey, or if he’s portable, shove him into the boot and close it!