The Blame Game Gets Us Nowhere

* This is my friend's take on cheating. He told me, in another conversation, that he decided to hang on to his innocence until he left university. I want to clone him :)

By Peace

I have purposed it in my heart to take up the challenge of being faithful. Cheating and sleeping around are the easiest things to do. Men who never cheated or played around in their teen years are vulnerable. I know I am.

It’s just like a kid who grew up without toys and played with bricks. When a bit grown up, toys still are fascinating. I guess it’s just that fallacy that to be a straight man you must have played the field, especially during college years or after. Also, wrong company corrupts! Temptation, on the other hand, is thrown at our faces every day! So much are the allurements such that to be triumphant one ought to have had purposed it in their heart for a long time.

After all is said and done, everything we do is by choice, even under the jaws of the most seductive woman, one still makes a choice. Truly, however one may go to the moon and back, sex is sex and even more fulfilling under the confines of marriage. The stolen cookie oft times presents pseudo euphoria and this is what many go for. I like the Shona adage akarumwa nechekuchera (the English equivalent would be “he dug his own grave”), sad that is what claims the lives of many. The blame game never gets us anywhere! I had wayward friends and you would know I never clubbed or slept around. I made a choice. I had to run away. I became an extremist in the eyes of my friends, but I told them that it’s a choice an individual takes. Yes, in your eyes I’m an extremist, but in my eyes I’ve just taken a decision just as I want pizza today. Many people blame the morals of other people for their own folly instead of crafting their own rules. Being Christian also made me cement what I purpose in my heart.  Being faithful is an empowerment to love and a sure way to developing a legacy that would transcend many generations.

Western Christian marriage is not for Africans

* The views below belong to the Guest Blogger. My response is in italics

By Vitalis

 My unconventional view of the Western Christian marriage is foreign to African men. Looks like men are forced to make vows while intrinsically, their desires go beyond the one “lucky” lady. A very warped view, heh?

In addition to our cultural socialization, men’s sexuality is in the eyes. We see too much and then desire to touch. Now what is the world full of? Beautiful women other than our ladies at home. It doesn’t really matter if the beauty is fake or genuine. I am convinced that some men cheat because their sexual needs are half met at home. Communication on sexual inadequacies is poor. Men want sex and most women are dead wood in these matters.

Men think of sex most of the time. And that sexual desire, coupled with our lustful eyes, make us crave for it every day.  My major accusations on women are:

1.       Women are sexually rude, culturally and religiously rigid and abhor any new sexual escapades

2.       Women carry family burdens into bedrooms, e.g. when men fail to provide, they pout and close their zips.

3.       Openly deny men sex as punishment for a, b, c.

4.       Women are unromantic

5.       Women fail to understand their husbands’ sexual needs.

6.       Women neglect their husbands and focus on kids.

7.       Women are poor communicators

8.      Women relax too much after marriage, telling themselves they are there to stay and nothing can push them away.

9.       Women nag.

10.   Some women are just dirty and don’t groom themselves.

Most couples aren’t taken through sexual orientation and possible challenges. Rather, the young couple is taken through moral uprightness. Perhaps proper sexual teaching must be carried out even at college. Marriage isn’t about sex only, but a good sex life is grease in a marriage. A sexually dysfunctional marriage is a brewing storm and like a festering wound. While sexuality is very sensual and physical, we just have to include spirituality to make it work. Unfortunately, our churches, especially the Roman Catholic Church, have failed dismally in guiding couples to sexual bliss.

Editor’s note: The allegations leveled against women by Vitalis really rubbed me the wrong way as I felt they were generalized and unfair. I felt I needed to respond and add other points that I think are valid:

1.       The problem is men simply go out to look for better without even telling their wives that there is a problem. Sometimes the problem is actually the men themselves, and sexual rigidity might actually be as a result of the husband being a lousy lover, to a point where the wife hates going to bed to endure bad sex. do you know how many women are disgruntled about their sex lives? You would be horrified if you did. Most men are said to be actually clueless. Making love is not like straddling a bike. One minute you’re walking, the next minute you’re sitting on it. Sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. How you treat the woman outside the bedroom determines the quality of sex. Sex is also a far cry from going to the toilet. You know, just go, relieve yourself and that’s it.

2.       Carrying family problems to the bedroom: There would be no need to carry the problems to bed if men were interested in solving problems. Let’s iron out things so that everyone is at ease by the time we go to bed. Sex isn’t just for the man’s enjoyment, and you can’t enjoy it if you have things bugging you at the back of your mind. Sex isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too, and problems, especially those caused by the man, will cause emotional and consequently sexual detachment.

3.       Punishment – no one would feel the need to punish anyone if men learned to apologise for their wrongdoings. This thing of just wanting to carry on like nothing has happened doesn’t work. The attitude that if you don’t give it up, I’ll go and look elsewhere has to stop.

4.       Neglecting husbands in favour of children: Once we have kids, we have to take care of them, we can’t wish them away. Women are overwhelmed with having to juggle being a mom, wife, employee somewhere, and I find that complaint by husbands to be rather inconsequential. Men should help with the kids too so that their wives can breathe and be able to entertain the husbands too.

5.       Being scruffy: if the husband provides money for makeup, hairstyles, good clothes and grooming, or isn’t overly controlling of the wife’s finances and the wife prefers to be scruffy, then there’s major reason for concern.  Good communication translates to good sex. A marriage that has no sex is in serious trouble. There’s obviously someone in that marriage who feels unappreciated and there’s no telling what they might do to feel better about themselves.

6.       Most men don’t seem to know the benefits of being friends with their wives. When they have free time, they would rather look for their friends and go out drinking or for a braai. The wives are only are taken to the in-laws’ homes where they work like flogged horses. They last went for movies or to eat out when they dated other guys before marrying their husbands.

7.       It’s actually true that women get tired. When a woman is too tired for sex, her husband should understand. It is unfair to force your partner to have sex when she doesn’t feel like it. There’s actually a name for it. It’s called rape. Of course, it would be concerning if someone claimed to be tired every day.

8.       A lot of men are bad communicators. Without good communication, sex is poor. Women are usually afraid to be vocal about their sexual needs because men are uptight and will think it’s their prowess that’s being knocked, or they are being compared with somebody else. It’s always about them, what they want, how they feel, never about the woman.

9.       Taking sides with in-laws when wife is being harassed.  A lot of men are not objective where their relatives are concerned. They don’t protect their wives, yet expect the sex to be good. Interference from extended family can kill the sex life.  A sad wife can’t be a good lover.

10.   A lot of women don’t remember the last time they got a random kiss or hug from their husbands. That’s probably the reason why a lot of women are so excited at weddings when it’s time for the groom to kiss the bride. Kissing has become a marvel for most of these women, if they don’t pay their utmost attention at this crucial time, they will never see any kissing until the next wedding. Except on TV of course. A lot of husbands don’t like holding their wives’ hands in public. They think holding hands is a display of white tendencies. Small things count.

My Favourite Reads

I remember attending a function where ANC Deputy President, Cyril Ramaphosa, mentioned that at some point in his life, he used to read about 60 books a year. Because of his busy life, he had cut down to 30. I was so awe-inspired that one of my resolutions for 2014 was to also try to read at least 30 of my own. I’m already an avid reader and it won’t be like I’m starting from scratch, so how hard can it be, right?

 Eleven months down the line, I’ve only managed to read about five books and that’s shameful, considering how high had pegged. Between now and December 31^st, I don’t see myself reading 25 books, maybe just two or three more.   I’ve been so busy trying to juggle many balls, like most women, and haven’t really had time to even visit the library. Every time I pass by the Manzini Library, I make a mental note to visit it, but never really get round to it. I do, however, plan to carry the resolution over to 2015.

There’s a lot to be benefitted from reading. For those of us who have English as their second language, it helps with expanding vocabulary.  With every book, even the boring ones, there’s always a new word to be learned. Reading is also good for escapism. While you are engrossed in a book, you have an opportunity to remove your thoughts from stressful situations in your life, it is very therapeutic. I’m not a social butterfly and sometimes I wonder if I should start building a friend base. With lots of books around me, I doubt that thought would ever cross my mind again, and herein lies the risk of being anti-social and probably turning into a complete egghead.

Being a closet fiction writer, reading provides a view of how authors present their work, what’s to be emulated and what’s to be treated with disdain. I have read some really trashy books that made me feel I should run to the nearest publishing house to get my stories published so that I can save the world from bad books. But when I read impeccable works, like those of my favourite author, John Grisham, I suddenly feel really inadequate as a writer. Speaking of John Grisham, I think it’s time I gave other writers a chance. Every time I get into the library, I start looking for his books that I haven’t read yet. Now I don’t even know how to start reading books by a different author. I realise that I can’t, in all honesty, call myself a reader if I only read books written by one author.

When I tried to compile a list of my favourite books, I discovered that it was full of John Grisham books, even though I have read many other authors. I decided to just put one of his books, so that I can, like I said, give other writers a chance. In the end the list comprised a good number of set books I studied in high school and at university. These are books I read a long time ago but still have very vivid recollection of the storylines. Of course, there are some that I don’t even want to think about because they made me miserable back then, like Shakespeare’s As You Like It and  Virginia Woolf’s To The Lighthouse.

Here are my most memorable reads and favourite magazines. I hope to gradually grow the list and update it with newer books written by fresher authors. I also hope to read more non-fiction books.  There are times when we have to be serious about life:

  1. A Painted House – John Grisham 

   2. Time of the Butcherbird

   3. A Chain of Voices – André Brink 

   4.  A House for Mr Biswas – VS Naipaul 

   5. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte 

   6. Great Expectations – Charles Dickens 

   7. Kane and Abel – Jeffrey Archer

   8. The 39 Steps – John Buchanan 

   9. Your Family Magazine 

   10.Women and Health Magazine 

   11. A Twist in The Tale – Jeffrey Archer 

   12. Animal Farm – George Orwell

Being the bigger person...

There are moments in life when you come face to face with people who just don’t get it. There you are, trying to mind your own business and BOOM! There they are; in your face, in your hair, treading on your toes and just all over the place trying to run your life like it’s their show. You are left with one of two choices – getting into a shouting match with them until you are blue in the face (maybe dark black if you are black like me), or just shake your head and move along with your life to preserve your dignity.

Some people just believe that s/he who shouts loudest, or has nastier words, wins the argument regardless of whether they are right or wrong or whether  their argument is coherent or not. Sometimes we have to be bigger than our bosses at work, our parents, spouses or our children throwing a tantrum. As we go through life, there are circumstances that make us see that we don’t necessarily have to win every argument to feel good about ourselves. Losing an argument is worth nothing in comparison to losing self-respect after being drawn into a stupid confrontation. I believe in standing my ground, but what’s the point of wasting our lung power on a quarrel we can’t win because of the level of understanding of the other party? It’s perfectly OK to sometimes let go and let God.

Sometimes we might argue to prove to our opponent that we are right and they are wrong, that we also have an assortment of bad things to say to them, but after the argument is done, we see that we emerged much smaller by allowing ourselves to stoop to their level. We don’t always have to put in the last word. Occasionally you have to let the other unreasonable person think they have won, just so that their evidently very troubled soul can rest, and so you can also enjoy some peace in your life. At times it’s essential to keep quiet in the face of onslaught from toxic people. Not because you respect them, but because you respect yourself too much to allow them to drag you to their level. But the problem with toxic people like that is they hate to be ignored, they are itching for a fight and when they don’t get that fight, they relentlessly try to rattle your cage so that you can entertain their fatuous nonsense. And that is why you should keep a level head and a shut mouth, difficult as it is, and continue to mind your business while shoving them and their antics in the dust bin of your mind where they belong. You just have to let them find another place to unleash their demons.  As you struggle to not retaliate, you just have to keep the voice in your head chanting, “Be the bigger person, be the bigger person!” Life is too beautiful to waste it trying to understand why some people seem to have been made with the sole purpose in life to pop others’ bubbles.

My 2 Cents on the life and death of Senzo Meyiwa

Just as disgraced top athlete Oscar Pistorius has started his new life as a jail bird for the shooting death of his girlfriend ReevaSteenkamp, and while ShrienDewani is still singing the blues in court for allegedly hiring hit men to shoot his bride Annie Dewani, Orlando Pirates goalkeeper and BafanaBafana skipper is gunned down, purportedly in a robbery.

It’s tear-jerking even for someone like me who doesn’t follow South African soccer. A young, healthy sportsman in the prime of his career and life itself smoked out of the planet just like that. Senzo had a lot to contribute to his nation, his soccer team, his community, and last but not least, his family. His death reminded me of reggae star, LuckyDube’s equally senseless death at the hands of thugs who wanted his car. I wish there was some dungeon somewhere so we could just throw away criminals, somewhere they can never come back from. Hearing horrendous tales like that puts people in a very vulnerable position. It’s outrageous that people have to constantly look over their shoulders on the roads to see if they are going to be accosted by some lunatic. Now they have to also look over their shoulders while having dinner in the comfort of their homes.  What kind of life is that? You start thinking of booby-traps for your doors when you go to bed, check and recheck if everything is secure, and contemplate security upgrades. You are ready to jump out of your skin at the faintest bump in the night.

Senzo’s family, sports people, soccer fans, politicians, and people from all walks of life are dismayed by his death.  True to what happens when someone popular has died, everybody has lovely things to say about Senzo. Wonderful guy, infectious smile, very helpful to his family and community, great team player and captain.

Senzo was a married man who died at his girlfriend, Kelly Khumalo’s house. His wife, Mandisa, and children never got to see him in his last moments of his life. It was a known fact that he wasn’t a faithful person as he openly posed for magazine pictures with Kelly while still married to his wife.The two women in his life once fought on a street somewhere, which resulted in Kelly being charged with assault. Senzo notably took his mistress’ side and said his wife was the one that started the altercation. No, Senzo, you started it by bringing a third person into your marriage. I hold no moral high ground to lambast him for how he lived his life, I have my own blemishes. But I also have an opinion which I’m entitled to express.

As if the court story hadn’t humiliated Mandisa enough, now she has to deal with the public knowledge that her husband met his death while at his girlfriend’s house, that he spent his last moments with the other woman. The humiliation will persist for some time. I foresee Kelly belting one or two songs, or writing a book about her life with Senzo, how he loved her so much, how she treasures their last few hours he spent with her, probably how he took a bullet for her and died in her arms. She wrote a book about her convicted killer ex-boyfriend, JubJub. She could be writing another now.

This story also exposes the double standards that society employs when dealing with men and women. If a married woman of as much high standing as Senzo had died at her boyfriend’s house, her transgressions would have overshadowed whatever good deeds she performed in her living years. The scandal would have stunk like a skunk. 

I won’t go to town about Kelly as a home wrecker, she didn’t have a contract with Mandisa. The one to blame for Mandisa’s humiliation is Senzo. He made a choice to be with another woman while his marriage still subsisted. I’ve heard many sisters accuse other women of taking their husbands, and I don’t subscribe to that line of thinking. No one abducts another’s husband, maybe at knife or gun point, but certainly not at vagina point. Men make a decision to walk – one, two,three – towards another woman. But I digress. My issue here is that a lot is left unsaid when someone like Senzo Meyiwa dies.

I won’t get a lot of love from Buccaneers, but that’s OK. I’m not writing this to get some love. Senzo Meyiwa’s death is a tragic and senseless robbery of a person who had a lot to contribute to the lives of many people. It’s shameful and depressing for South Africa to have such high crime levels, especially gun-related ones. It’s just too sad and words fail me.

Senzo was evidently a very good person to a lot of people. But Senzo was quite rough around the edges. Senzo Meyiwa was an audacious philanderer who juggle women off the field as he juggled balls on the field. It emerged after his death that he had three or four other children with as many women.He cheated on his wife, and by default his children, and broke their hearts.  In one of his last pictures on earth, he’s with his mistress and her sister, having fun. Those pictures are the ones his children with see when they are old enough to look up things online. They will see that he left their mom and spent his last moments with the other woman. In my opinion, that kind of desecrates his memory. A number of women in my circle also had a few words to say about this married man who died at his lover’s house. One friend said if she were confronted with a similar situation, she would just heal her heart with the money that he left, with a little help from a Ben 10. My sister said she just wouldn’t bother to shed her precious tears. And what would I do? I would probably sit in a corner, on the blanket meant for the widow, and request that they dim the lights in that corner. Dim the lights so that I could discreetly dig into a bag of my comfort food, mild Nandos chicken.

How Senzo lived his life, however, won’t change how I feel about the manner in which he died. At the end of the day it is between him and God.  I remain revolted and enraged that his life was taken prematurely. How did human life become so cheap?”

I pray for Senzo’s soul to rest in peace. May the good Lord take care of his loved ones at this very sorrowful time, especially those that depended on him financially. I will be praying that the perpetrators of this atrocity are brought to book and get life imprisonment, since South Africa does not subscribe to the death penalty, so that they never know freedom in their lives ever again. I pray for his wife to find strength to go on, toeventually show her face in public after suffering the humiliation of her husband dying at his girlfriend’s house.