The Parent I would like to be

Headlines like this one are a common sight all over the world

Daily reports of violent crime show that we now live in a highly dysfunctional society full of angry people.  A lot of the aggression in the world is usually attributed to the background of the perpetrators. While I feel that a person should choose his own path, carve his own niche in life, without perpetually blaming his rough childhood, it’s probably easier said than done. David Holmes supported this theory while commenting on the case of William Bonin, the first man in California to bring execution by lethal injection after sexually abusing and killing 21 boys between the ages of 12 and 19. Holmes said a child’s dark side can flourish in an abusive environment. This essentially means that every child might have his good and bad sides, but his upbringing has the power to determine which side becomes more prominent.

I strive to be the best mother in the world. If they ever offer a medal for it on the world stage, I want people to feel they would have done the universe a disservice if they didn’t give it to me. My children didn’t choose me as their mother; I created them, with God’s blessings and a little help from their dad. I willfully brought them on this planet; they were not a mistake or an accident. For that reason, I should always be looking out for their best interest because they are my responsibility. For various reasons, our spouses or partners can walk away from us and get somebody else. Our kids, however, cannot replace us even if they wanted to. They are stuck with us for life, so I should make sure that my presence in my children’s lives is as painless as possible. As long as I’m here, my children should never have to turn to strangers for something that I can provide. I want to be the kind of parent that won’t give a snake to my children when they ask for fish.

My children should be free to create their own paths

God is our spiritual parent, and I’m the earthly one for my children. My deeds should clearly show that I’m His representative to my children. Before I react to anything they do, I should first ask myself how I would feel if God, being my father, reacted to me the same way.

In his book, Daddy, come home, actor Zane Meas laments the absence of fathers in their children’s lives and the impact that has on the latter. There is a line in the book that says, “Boys join gangs because they don’t belong to a gang called family led by a leader called a father.” As an avid viewer of the programme Khumbulekhaya on SABC 1, I’m always overcome with sadness upon realizing that there are also mothers that dump their babies in their infancy, never to come back for them again. This just makes me more determined to cushion my children from the pain in this world by always being present when they need me. Under no circumstances will they ever feel orphaned or rejected while I’m still alive.

I want to be exemplary to my children, when I’m wrong, I will apologise, even to them. I will teach them that being pig-headed especially when wrong, is in no way a sign of strength; it’s actually idiotic. I will not show any partiality to my children. None of them should ever be made to feel better or worse than the other based on their endeavors or gifts in life. I will do as I would be done by.

In the society I come from, if children point out the mistakes of their parents, they are threatened with all sorts of bad things like getting disowned or avenging spirits coming to haunt them once the parent dies. Some children, upon being charged and convicted of the crime of insulting their parents, are condemned to recompense their parents with an ox or goat; just for standing up for what they believe in. All this is simply because a parent won’t say sorry and is trying to teach his child a lesson never to accuse them of wrong-doing ever again. In other words, keep your pain to yourself. If I do wrong, don’t you dare speak about it or you’ll pay, literally! By refusing to just say sorry dysfunctional families are created and dysfunctional families make a dysfunctional society. Those children will also grow up to be spouses and parents who also do not apologise for their wrongdoing, because it was never part of their vocabulary. In this kind of scenario, from an early age, parent to child conversation is never fostered and children are taught to bottle up their pain and not speak out when they should. Putting a lid on emotions can be catastrophic because one day they will boil over. Asking a child not to speak out is blocking communication channels between him and the parent. And we act surprised when people commit suicide because they feel all alone in a burdensome world, and children zip their mouths about things they should speak about, like sexual abuse. I will keep communication channels open so that my kids never have to feel they are alone with no-one to turn to. . Home should be a safe haven, that place a child knows he’s cushioned from the big bad world. If we fail to make a child feel safe at home, then we have totally failed as parents.

Cool mummy by Michelle Mudekunye

I want to be a cool mummy, one that my children will be proud of. I think it is a misconception that if you get too close to them, your children will walk all over you. Children do need a firm hand, but there is a notoriously thin line between that and an iron fist. I want to be a pal, without ever letting them forget who’s boss. Most parents believe that to be a parent worth his salt is to always be ready to crack the whip at the drop of a hat and make your children quake in their boots all the time. I would like my children to fear irresponsible behaviour as it can irrevocably impact their lives, but under no circumstances should they fear me.  I’ll ensure that they know the door is always open if they want to discuss anything under the sun. I will teach them never to let things fester in their heart because that is corrosive to relationships, and consequently, life itself.

I would like to teach my kids to fear God, to respect themselves, and others so that they can also be worthy of respect. Our accomplishment as parents is measured by the deeds of our offspring, more often than not. For example, when a child behaves badly out there, people are known to ask whose child is that, didn’t your mother teach you to knock first before you enter? Didn’t your mother teach you not to stare? When people encounter my children, I want them to say, “Wow, your mother raised you well!” even if they have never met me. It would break my heart if anyone ever called my child, “son of a b&*$h!”

My favourite channels on TV are Investigation Discovery and Crime Investigation (CI). This afternoon I watched a documentary on CI about the murder of 12 year-old Autumn Pasquale in Clayton, New Jersey by 15 year-old Justin Robinson. Robinson, apparently had grown up seeing his father strangle his mother, and that was how he also killed Pasquale. After the conviction, Autumn’s father started a petition for Autumn’s Law. Under this law, abusive or neglectful parents were to be held accountable for their children’s wrongdoing. At the time of writing, more than 13 000 people had signed, but others didn’t agree with him, especially considering that Anita Saunders, the killer’s mother was the one that turned her son in after noticing his suspicious comment on Facebook. I agreed with one blogger who said,

 “Sadly, some kids are just psychopaths and sociopaths by nature. You can raise them right and if it is genetically in them, there’s no kind of parenting than can deprogram that.” 

Obviously some things will not be in my power to change, but where I can, I’ll show up.

I want to raise my children to be strong individuals who don’t run a mile with their tails between their legs and find unhealthy escape routes when problems come. They should sit down and work out solutions. It is also perfectly OK to ask for help from the right people when one is really stuck, but being self-sufficient is more ideal.

From my own conduct, my children will learn not to allow a person, particularly a spouse, to take over their whole life.  They should never lose their sense of self because they invited someone into their life. If their marriages or relationships fail, they should be aware that they always have a place in my house, beneath my protective wings if they want a place to lick their wounds from. I’ll also lick their wounds with them like Mother Dog.  They should never endure miserable marriages on my account, just to boost my street cred.  (There is a lot of street cred commanded from marrying off your kids in the society I come from.) I will tell my children that sometimes people make poor life choices, but it doesn’t mean they should be enslaved by them for the rest of their lives.  They can’t replace their parents, but they can definitely replace an abusive spouse.

Love should ooze in everything I do for my children

One day I will have to loosen the apron strings. I have no intention to sever them completely. When my children are older and have flown out of the nest, getting a call from me should be the highlight of their day. They must never tremble or wish to run into the wilderness in trepidation upon seeing my name on their phones, fearing I’ll make unreasonable demands and threats. I’ll never use emotional blackmail to guilt-trip my children.  Words like one day when I’m gone you’ll wish you had treated me better will never escape my lips. My children should never have to wonder if I love them or not. Love should be oozing from the words that I say to them and the things that I do to or for them.  Even if I spank them or lash out at their offences, they should know it’s coming from a place of love and it’s all for their own good and not my desire to inflict pain. And, yes, I will spank. I believe in not sparing the rod to spoil the child. I don’t care much for the hogwash that corporal punishment has been outlawed.  I didn’t turn out to be this awesome parent by getting away with murder haha!