The pain of childlessness

In most African cultures, for a marriage to subsist, children have to be produced. No sooner has a young couple said I do, than immense pressure begins to mount for them to start procreating. This pressure usually comes from the family the woman married into, but can also stem from the woman’s desire to have children. While some women have no qualms strangling their newborns and flushing them down toilets, millions have sleepless nights yearning for the joy that a baby brings. Susan** finds herself in this desperate situation 12 years into her marriage. Some of the things she shared were very heartbreaking. People are too quick to pass judgement on matters they don’t know about. In her own words, here is the story of her more-than-a-decade long journey trying to conceive: 

“Two and a half years into our marriage and trying hard to conceive, doctors discovered we could never ever have children. According to medical tests, I could fall pregnant, but an urologist dropped the bomb when he declared my husband sterile. There was no sperm whatsoever in his semen and we were told that it would take a miracle for us to have children in our marriage naturally or medically. Regardless of what the urologist said, we have been trying for 12 years, visiting gynaecologists, urologists and homeopathic doctors.

Fortunately, the family has not been a problem. My husband lost his mother long before we got married. Mothers-in-law are known for not being understanding when it comes to these issues. However, his father was very understanding and never had a problem at all. My family has always been supportive and encourages us to continue loving each other and live life. They also encourage us to seek more medical assistance in order to have children one day. They do not even want to hear about divorce or separation over this. 

There are many problems associated with childlessness, such as how you are treated in society and insensitive remarks being thrown at you. When you are childless, the family thinks you have lots of money stashed somewhere in the house or bank. They even say, "What do you use your money for when you do not have children?"  It seems to them those who have children are the only ones with expenses and plans while the childless don't.

Here and there you meet people who think it's your fault as a woman that you do not have children. At some point a lady asked if I had aborted many pregnancies before. According to her, those who abort are always punished by barrenness later in life! She thought she was being sincere, but it broke my heart! Some Christians ask if I pray fervently. According to them no one must suffer such misfortune if they REALLY pray. To them it means the longer we stayed childless, the more it showed we did not pray enough. That is one of the challenges we face when we come face to face with Christians. People say a lot of ignorant stuff. I just answer them, as politely as possible, that the situation is not what they think it is without even going into detail. To my fellow Christians I say, “Let the will of God happen”. You can't really change a made up mind of a person. If a person chooses to judge a situation just five minutes into a conversation, sometimes it's a waste of time to explain the situation. The best is to give a short answer and change the subject very fast. People have a problem of wanting to throw their beliefs and experiences into other people's problems without taking time to understand what is really going on, which in most cases does not help but creates a divide! 

There is an element of being looked down upon when one has no children. You are judged for not having child-rearing experience, so your opinion or feelings on matters relating to children is totally disregarded. Those who have been blessed enough with this gift think it's not your area so stay out!

My relationship with my husband, for the most part, has been wonderful but sometimes we have verbally fought about our situation. Since my husband is the one who is sterile, I have felt he sometimes does not understand my pain of not being a mother. Though I understand he feels the same way also about not being a father, he has made peace with his condition, and I haven’t, and that causes and increases my frustration. Because of the hidden pain and frustration of failing to have our own children, we have resorted to not talking about the situation. We rather carry on as if nothing is happening in order to cope. So we hardly talk about our situation, we have chosen to put a plaster bandage to cover a boil hoping all will be ok. We have suffered moments of resentment towards each other too. We have our fair share of highs and lows because of this problem. I do love my husband so much but there are moments I resent him much. I silently blame him for this entire problem. I wish he could do more to make the pain I feel sometimes go away! I know he feels the pain too but somehow I concentrate on my own pain!

Some cultures encourage secretly conceiving with the husband’s brother. Given that option, I would not agree at all. It would give me a child, yes, but no peace, so I would rather choose peace over a selfish desire. I don't think the brother solution will make things easier at all. It may hurt a lot of people down the road.

Social media makes the situation difficult. We have friends and family giving birth left, right and centre. And rightly so, share their happy moments with us. We are happy for them but it also makes us relive our pain and longing.  It's tough but we pull through. What hurts most more than a new baby picture is that photo showing the joy on my friends’ and family's faces as they take their children to their first day at school. Why? Because you start thinking that if you had conceived around that time (in our 20s) when most of your friends did, you could be enjoying the moment with them too. It's like watching life slip away and have no control whatsoever of what is going on. It feels like you have really lost out in life, a great loss. That hurts! 

Unfortunately we haven't sought counselling because my husband does not believe in bringing outside help into our marriage. Pushing for it makes him shut down so I do not bring family or any professional help. I tried suggesting counselling in order to cope but my husband has some African men traits – they do not believe in counseling, so one tends to suffer in silence.

Currently we are at a deadlock when it comes to artificial insemination and adoption. He does not believe in it and feels taking care of another person’s child is not proper or easy. Even if I desperately want a baby, I have no choice but to continue to live childless for the rest of my life. My husband has told me many times that he no longer wants to try for a baby. He says he does not see a future with children and we must close the chapter and live life but that's too painful to me, I haven't quite actually accepted this whole unfortunate situation. There is also pressure from our tradition; a woman cannot leave her husband because he’s sterile. Women are not even given as much understanding as given to men who marry infertile women and are encouraged to plant their seeds somewhere and not die without children. That can never happen when it comes to women. So most times we "accept" the situation, bury ourselves in prayer or religion in order to cope – well, that is if you do not have the courage like some women to let someone out there be secretly the father of your children. But if discovered, it then becomes a scandal. 

I suffer from depression because of this. I have never been diagnosed but there are those moments when I do not want to do anything, I'm down, sad, not motivated to do anything. I have moments that I close my door and cry till I'm tired. I have moments when I have lost hope and faith. I just slip into a sad depression. It takes everything I have to come out of it. Most times I can't share it with my husband nor show him that I'm going through a tough time. I deal with these moments on my own. I found out that my husband is incapable of compassion, not because that is what he prefers, but it's just not in his nature. He thinks just saying "rest" or "it's the blues, it will get better soon" will make everything alright. 

This situation is not easy at all. It takes everything from you. Sometimes when I really go through my sad moments, I think of having a child with someone else out there, hoping it will finally make me a mother. But having a child with someone out there means cheating on my husband, which is bad on its own.  It also means I have to invest in another relationship apart from this one, maintain them so that they do not cross each other's paths, and that will give me so much work, work I'm not ready to go through at the moment. But truly speaking, that idea comes to my mind sometimes. The fear of being judged as a loose woman, should I choose that route, also comes to mind. Some of these ideas come out of pain but I have managed to stay grounded despite all the craziness.

I'm glad I'm sharing my story in its rawness. I keep on praying for a miracle, if it’s not to be, I pray for peace. Thinking a lot and stressing a lot leads to trouble, so peace within the storm is what I pray for most. When people abort, all I feel is sadness. Coming from a Christian background, of course I look at it as really evil. I wish they could not take that path but at the end of the day it's their choice. But I feel hurt and ask God why he gives to those who do not even want the blessing while I fail to get it.

When one goes through an adversity, a lot of things happen. You do not know how to cope, there is no manual on how to live the situation, all you have is everyday reality that is supposed to be lived and experienced. Sometimes you can't cope and start thinking of ways (good or bad) to numb the pain. Ninety percent of the time I do not tell people that my husband is the one who has the problem. I feel if I tell the whole world the truth, I will emasculate him. I mostly just say nothing or lean towards myself as the one who has the problem.

*Name changed