This little diary in my head...

Forgive everyone for everything

Forget issues of the past

I got a chain message from my sister with the above recommendations. Sometimes I wish I could lose the diary in my head. Wouldn’t that be lovely? A bad experience comes your way, you deal with it and immediately tear out the page out of your diary and POOF, and it’s gone. Never to be remembered again.  It’s so hard to forgive everyone for everything. Some people hurt us in ways that turns us into monsters that forget the values we held before. As for forgetting the past, we can’t really help what we remember, can we?

Having a sharp memory ought to be a blessing but sometimes it can work against us. There are things that I remember that are like a dagger to my soul. When I think about them, all I want to do is retrace my steps to the moment it happened and handle things differently, by maybe poking someone in the eye with a toothpick.  There are things you just wish to forget but can’t.

Many sermons have been delivered with regards to the subject of forgiveness, but I doubt that having it drummed into you over and over again changes your pace of walking towards forgiving those that hurt you. People should be allowed the space to forgive in their own time. You don’t flog someone like a horse and chant “forgive, forgive!” until they relent. It doesn’t really work that way. Forgiving is a process, not an event. I just find it strange that it’s the offenders that usually want to push those they offended into the forgiving corner. You offend me when it suits you and you also dictate when I should forgive you?

They will come brandishing bibles, chanting verses on forgiving and shoving our faith into our faces. “You’re a Christian, so you should forgive.” You’re spiritually blackmailed with words such as, “God forgives you when you err. Why don’t you forgive too? Where was your bible when you set out to offend others? Yes, I’m a Christian. A struggling Christian. The devil can, indeed, cite scripture for his purpose, as Shakespeare said. There are also verses about not offending others.

Some things are easy to forgive, like accidentally breaking someone’s china or stepping on their foot. But acts of deliberate cruelty, like breaking a heart or spirit sometimes can take a lifetime before the slate is wiped clean again. People always say: “Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to forget how you were hurt.” what does that even mean? They say a burnt child dreads fire. Meaning if a child was burnt at some point, next time he sees a fire, he immediately knows that’s the enemy. The child is cautious around the fire, not wanting to get too close. That’s exactly what happens when people get hurt. The victim is wary of the ones that hurt him and might want to keep them at arm’s length. But that’ not what people want. They want to see that you’ve forgiven them by allowing them back into your space again like nothing ever happened. Once you remember something negative that was done to you, you can’t help the emotions that flow with the memory. You feel angry or hurt all over again. It’s like a dormant volcano. The anger or sadness is not always visible but it’s there somewhere, waiting for a trigger for it to resurface.

Also funny how some people think they should be forgiven because a long time has passed since they offended, not even because they apologised. I’ve heard people say, “Don’t tell me you’re still angry about that! That happened so long ago!” So what if it happened a long time ago? Hurt doesn’t melt like ice. Asking for forgiveness also doesn’t mean you will automatically be forgiven, so don’t go and pester someone whose feelings you hurt asking, “How come you haven’t forgiven me? Didn’t I say sorry?” I wish there was a magic wand to wave all bad memories away. When you keep remembering bad things that were done to you in the past, sometimes it takes away from present happiness. I don’t think anyone wants to be tormented by the past, but forgiving is difficult because we remember how someone’s actions or words made us feel. The best way to avoid unhappy memories is by not creating them in the first place.

Back in the day I used to note every significant incident in my diary just so that at the end of the year I would reflect on what happened over the 12 months. Now I don’t always do that because some things are quite insignificant and you actually forget them. Then when you read the diary, you go, “What! But how could s/he?” And then with other things, you don’t even need a diary, the offense is right there at the back of your mind, always rearing its ugly head on occasion.

People can always be counted on to tread on your toes and stab you in the back. Keeping the diary in your head isn’t entirely a bad thing. There are people whose presence in your life requires that you always remember to sleep with one eye open because of what you know they are capable of.